To find this H comment annoying

I think that possibly he has 'trained' you to not say anything, because he will be so unpleasant if you do. You don't have to do anything right now, but I would certainly be exploring what you'd need to do in order to divorce him.

"And that's the 4th time this week I've meant to look up the number of a divorce lawyer and STILL forgotten."

He's an arse of a man.

How are you doing today @Ginge88? It's good you've written all this down and seen that it's not you being a 'nag like your mum' or oversensitive, but rather that we support you and are on your side.

Have you talked to anyone in real life about it - do any of your friends or family know what he's really like?

I thought at first this could be him not realising his joke is a joke. Reading further he is abusive and seems you realise you need out. Best of luck

You wrote about the bins in the "positive things about him" bit.
then you put this:
"I included putting out the bins as made me smile as he always announces it after he's done and makes some weird joke about me not doing it because I don't do the mucky stuff or don't want to ruin my nails. Which is weird as thats some weird stereotype in his head as ive never given my nails a 2nd thought. "

So it's not a positive thing about him.
He uses it as a weapon.

I bet the cooking is similar: that he says he cooks because you might poison them all or because they want to eat something edible.

It's death by a thousand cuts.

Regarding the house etc. As you earn more, you can prove to a court that you put more money in financially, and it's most likely that you'd get to keep the house as the children's residence. And his pattern of behaviour will be taken into account regarding childcare.

But, in order for this to happen, you need to seek help from Women's Aid or a similar organisation that are experienced and experts in this field.

It's a weird feeling describing things that feel like they must have happened to someone else as the home feels happy and calm

Abuse is such a headfuck for the victim. I thought I was going out of my mind towards the end of my marriage but I couldn't articulate why. It's only now that I have the headspace to think without him constantly demanding my every waking thought that I can see his behaviour for what it was. And what I was enduring.

Things have moved on apace since your OP, I hope you're as okay as you can be

Abusers are super sensitive to their victims mood.
He can sense that you are distracted and are probably finally joining the dots to what a nasty prick he is.

So he quickly realises that he has gone too far.
Time to be pleasant.
Time for the mask to lull you into a false sense of security.
Tim to pull back from the nastiness for a bit.

He knows EXACTLY what he is doing, like all abusive men.

The being nice is deliberate. The real him is the abuser. Think Jekyll and Hyde. When he thinks you are getting twitchy and might consider leaving, he will throw a few breadcrumbs of being the person you thought you married, lull you into thinking it was a normal marital blip , before the next round of abuse . The nice him is a mask, a pretend, to hide the real him, the abuser. This is affecting your children. You need to think what sort of marriage are they going to grow up thinking is normal. How to treat their spouses or be treated. This is serious. Abusers usually grew up in an abusive home.
You need to get out. Read up on Narcissism, because it looks as though you have one. Marriage counselling won’t work.mthey never think they are in the wrong and they lie and deflect and projecting .
For your sake and your children’s , plan to leave.

If you had children it would get a lot worse. He sounds like a bully tbh

The unknown is always a bit scary, but the known in this case seems scarier. I'm glad to read that you're going to access some professional support. They will help without judgement or pressure.

@Ginge88 Ive read more of your updates now and really feel you need support from a specialist organisation. Your fear of 5050 is very much justified - a colleague of mine recently went through some awful hell after finally leaving her abusive ex husband, and he did all he could to manipulate the courts. That said, and with no judgement from me, please please please call Refuge or Women's Aid to talk all this through with them. Maybe this small step will help to steady you a little and empower you to start seriously considering leaving this horrible situation.

He sounds like an absolute cunt. He sounded like one with the 'banter' in the OP and gets progressively worse with everything you've written about him. He doesn't sound like he likes or respects you and all of his behaviour is trying to bring you down, because you sound pretty awesome. He is a pathetic little man who needs to point out imaginary flaws in your behaviour, or how you've done your make up to try to cover up how shit a person he is. I understand why you're hesitant to consider leaving but fuck me this is no life, is it??
While you're thinking through what happens next, please listen to yourself on this point especially.

'I definitely definitely don't enjoy having sex with him. I haven't for weeks and am dreading it. I need to say no.'
Yes you need to say no. You NEVER need to have sex with someone you don't want to have sex with.

You're right to be scared for DC, but not for the reasons you think. This man is abusive. It WILL affect your children and cause them harm. They will see and hear his behaviour even if you pretend not to.

Please call the DV helpline, at least to talk to them if nothing else.
www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/how-we-can-support-you/

Abusive men always say they want 50/50, but in reality they often quickly look for another victim.

Your children will be able to verbalise their treatment by him.
You do know that if they speak about his behaviour in school, they will trigger a report being made.

This isn't about judgement, it's about encouraging you to find the strength to do what you can do.

You are financially stable, which is such a blessing.

If they are happy and peaceful with you minimum 50% of time, THAT is a win.

If he is unkind, you encourag them to talk to their teacher, they will report.

Courts are listening to children more and more.

You can do this.
You just need to reach out and get the best legal advice and support from Women's aid.
You can do this for your children.
At least starting thinking about what leaving would look like.

You say you know it's bad, but do you realise just HOW bad this is?? You and your children will be so much happier when you leave him.

The reason your marriage counselling failed is because you cannot counsel an abusive relationship.

Next time he says it, turn round and say 'and this is the 367th (add one to his number) way my dh has used the same joke'

There is a real judgement in your post.

I agree.

Your poor children, what an ugly environment.
Your children will not forget such instances, no matter how much you hope they do.

I remember reading about a woman who left an awful man like yours, with no money and no job.
She was asked how did she find the bravery when she was so frightened.

She answered, "I realised my love for my children and my desire for them to have a good childhood was greater than my fear for myself and of leaving".

What a woman. That's what it comes down to for me.
Having greater love for your children than for yourself and the fear of change.

This is a really house terrorist who is emotionally abusing those poor children and you.

Women's Aid will be able to talk through your worries and advise you on so much @Ginge88 . They really are a great support, they understand

He can sense that you are building resistance to his shit @Ginge88 , that's why he's on a 'good' spell just now. Once he's relaxed enough that you're not going to do anything about him he'll start again, and perhaps punish you that little bit extra for him having to behave for a while.

But things like me cancelling my birthday because he wouldn't stop shouting at me.

They hate our birthdays. Why should the attention be on someone other than the all important them. Twats.

I would not tell him the way he behaves towards you makes you feel like shit, that is only boosting his ego. There is no point in trying to work this out with him, he's not going to change. The details in your latest post are even more worrying. The children are running under the table? Please, please speak to someone like Women's Aid, just for a chat, you don't need to make any decisions you're not ready to, they won't force you to leave but I do think you need to get this out of your house in real life. Behaviour like his thrives in secrecy. And escalates.