To find this H comment annoying

I had this dynamic with a close family member and it’s only after a few years of no contact that I realise how much it wore me down, I just thought it was banter.

It’s so so difficult. But the “don’t undermine me” will always be over an issue where he has pre-picked an insane position.
He is force feeding your child to punish you- and it is a test.
the worst thing of course is that if you try to discuss afterwards that he is making you complicit in the abuse of your own children you will get complete denials. But it is the sort of issue that you need to divorce over.

I just wanted to send you a hug and tell you I know exactly what you mean. I stayed because I couldn't bear the thought of the children being alone with him. My youngest is nearly 18 and I am planning my escape. But it's no easier and I wish I had been brave enough to do it sooner.
When he is alone with your children he won't treat them in the way he does when you are there, because he is using them to get at you. I have been told I am too soft countless times, it's just another power struggle with your children caught in the crossfire. It's despicable.
I really do sympathise, it's not easy and will take all the courage you have, but you deserve a better life and so do your children.

Your friend who said "you'll be screwed" if you divorce has a point. As the higher earner, you could end up getting less out of the equity/pension pot etc.

However, the longer you leave divorce the more screwed you'll be.

Unless you think he's going to become a multimillionaire through work or inheritance etc, literally every penny you are ploughing into the mortgage, pension, savings etc could be split 60/40 in his favour upon divorce (obviously the % split is a guesstimate).

The quicker you leave home, the less he gets and more of your future earnings will go into building your brighter future life.

Don't suffer another decade of this, only to find out you've been putting up with his horrendous treatment of you, and having bad sex (or no sex) just to end up with even less financially than if you left today.

He is appalling. He’s insecure, he’s substandard, he’s cruel, he’s frightening and he is oh-so-abusive. I am so repulsed by him and his behaviour OP I can’t even say.

Fuck, I hope you’re free of this freeloading lazy piece of shit soon.

I love the disappointment saying - will be thinking of that now.

Another saying I find powerful is: easy decisions lead to a hard life, and hard decisions lead to an easy life.

It feels like a huge hurdle and upheaval to contemplate leaving him right now, but in the end putting it to the back of your mind and not taking the plunge will make you (and the kids) more miserable.

@Ginge88 It's a lot to get your head round learning that who you thought was an irritating twat is actually an abusive irritating twat and that their behaviour is deliberate. It's especially a lot to get your head round when they are still in your life, filling your head with their shit, and your busy life with all that that entails isn't allowing you the headspace you need to start putting your thoughts in order.

You'll have days when it all seems too much, just go with it, we need to get the emotions out, but please don't blame yourself for the situation you are now in.

And you will have days when you feel like an absolute WARRIOR 💪 - go with that too and use that energy while you've got it so that you can nurture yourself on the not so good days

You can turn this around.
40 is no age believe me, at nearly 60.
You have so much living and happiness ahead of you if you reach out for help to leave a highly abusive relationship.
Your life can only get better.

Oh OP, this sounds AWFUL, and my heart goes out to you.

Could you find some time to have some individual counselling, to help you get your head in order and provide a bit of an outlet? I found it very helpful when my marriage was having a rocky time.

I wouldn’t presume to tell someone they would definitively be better off leaving, but I would encourage you to ask yourself a) can you be the parent you want to be in this atmosphere? Maybe you can fake it now, but how about when they’re older and infinitely more perceptive? b) do you really want your kids to grow up thinking this is how men treat women?

I left my ex-h five years ago and I am now the parent I always wanted to be, and the results have been dramatic in terms of their resilience, happiness and well-being.

@Ginge88 sorry to hear you're feeling down. This is a lot to process and it's completely understandable you might feel that way. You've already made the first steps where you've been looking at separation/divorce. Recognising the abuse seems to have been difficult for you, but you're coming to that realisation too. I hope you'll feel able to access support from a DV organisation as a next step.

Don't underestimate the influence your DH will have had over your choices, and as @hildabaker said, none of us know what the future will bring. Please don't be so hard on yourself. It's undeserved and is likely a symptom of the abuse you've been enduring.

OP, don't feel down. We all make the best choices we can at the time, none of us can see into the future. People and relationships can change. You are still a young woman with plenty of years ahead of you and children grow up very quickly. Take the long term view. Maybe start planning to leave in a couple of years?

"Jokes are funny, dearest. Am I laughing?"

Your husband sounds like a bastard. A chronically online one.

my husband has never once spoken to me like that. It is not normal.

Divorce might be a tough process but a better life is on the other side...
Ime.

Well done.
Next move should be to move out of the shared bedroom.
Physical distance will help you to emotionally detach further.
This is a really BAD man.
Make no mistake on that score.
You deserve so much better, as do your children.

You were trained and conditioned by him from day one. Things you would not have accepted then, you accept now. It’s the boiling frog. Put a frog in a pan of hot water, it will jump out. Put it in cold water over a heat and it sits, not noticing the water getting hotter till it’s too late. He treated you perfectly, dream man. Then threw in a few teasing abuses. Just little things. Break through a boundary here and there while still being mostly nice so his asks, remarks, seemed irrelevant and not unreasonable. Then he ups the ante , getting you to take more and more, but remembering to be mr nice guy just enough so you think , ‘it must be me. If I just try harder, it will be like it was in the beginning. ‘ But the beginning was an act. It will never come back because he was acting. That male character does not exist. The actor when not in character is the cruel abusive,snide, AH who pretends to be a victim. He is real and gets worse with age.

Every dig, every barb is deliberate to lower your self esteem. Make you feel useless and that you need him.He needs to boost his ego and self worth by diminishing yours.

He’s an emotional vampire, feeding off the misery he causes you

Divorce is never easy, and this type of guy makes it worse. Document everything, not that it really matters in this country of no fault divorces. Might help to get him out of the house . I don’t know. I left with my son and rented a flat. OH found out the day I left.

You’ll need a family law lawyer. The more you can agree re parenting in advance, the better. If you can agree finances, too. Then you have something to take to court. They might not uphold your agreement and alter something, but they might just accept it. Speeds things up. But speak to domestic abuse people first too.

Well done @Ginge88 💪

Be prepared for his attempts at getting things back to his normal, whether that is sulking or other dickish behaviours, or being nice - they're all just manipulation to get you where he wants you.

well, it will be very very hard going through divorce

It'll be harder staying

"well, it will be very very hard going through divorce"
Well yes... of course it's going to be hard, in places it will be extremely hard, but as long as you accept that it will, accept that some times you are going to have to dig really deep, you will get out the other side. But he's not exactly making your life easy right now anyway, is he?

When it starts to get difficult you have to go back to this place in time and think whether you want to go back to it, on the understanding this would be the good part. Abusers will always make your life miserable, they will always find a way to punish and retrain you. So you have to make a decision - stay in this hellhole for the next twenty years or accept the journey is gonna be worse but the reward will be so, so worth it, for you and the children. The peace, the lack of resentment, the happiness, no more foreboding or having to check your words or your actions.

That's such a great thing to prioritise yourself and realise how important you are. Stay strong, you are amazing

I sometimes think maybe I just accept stuff other wives wouldn't.

You've been groomed to accept this type of behaviour and to lower your expectations of him. They all do it. They start off with little things and when they get away with them they up their game and you end up where you are. Have you heard of the boiling frog analogy?

People who have been through abusive relationships will understand what you're going through and how you are feeling. Those fortunate people who haven't might not be as supportive, that's why Women's Aid or a similar organisation is invaluable - you will get understanding and unbiased support. They will be able to tell you whether you will be truly screwed in a divorce with a bit more authority than someone who doesn't know all the details. Yes it will be hard going through it, any divorce is hard, but some hard things in life are necessary and very, very worth it.