To find this H comment annoying

It's basically bullying, and he's being a total arse 😀

@pikkumyy77 consistently speaks wisdom on such matters.

The men who will kill their entire families and themselves, just to maintain control of their wives.

I'm not suggesting this, but I do believe that he is capable of claiming primary carer.

It is little understood but people like your husband, ginge, will absolutely destroy everything including themselves in order to keep control over their families or rather over their wives.

Such men are dangerous—dangerous to you and to themselves and again to you and the children.

They can collapse and drink and drug themselves into incompetence in order to activate your pity and prevent you leaving. And they can lurch into a destructive rage and annihilate the family.

Get out as fast as you can. Even if you have to go into debt to do it. Please don’t think you can lie flat enough for this man. He is very unstable and very, very, dangerous.

Where are you up to with your solicitor lovely? Are you ready to start proceedings?

Honestly OP please realise this is a possibility.
Please move on getting you and the boys away.
It is highly likely his colleagues see him for the nasty prick he is.
I know its hard but you really do not want to be kicking yourself that you didn't move on this when you had the chance.

Your marriage is over.
Nothing to be gained for your children by dragging it out.

We are here for you.

This would really annoy me.

He’s just ramping up the emotional manipulation. It’s a very clever tactic to make you feel sorry for him, nothing more. This is no different to him crying and screaming back in January, telling you how exhausted he was.

So fucking what?! You are not responsible for his emotional wellbeing @Ginge88. I know you’ve spent years smoothing the way but it’s time to focus on the needs of you and your sons now. Don’t follow in the path of your mother, pandering to a man who only thinks of himself. He’ll be fine after the split, despite all his hysterical behaviour now.

You saved enough money for a solicitor. Have you made an appointment yet? Juggling work pressures and everything else can wait. This really has to be your top priority.

Did you go to a solicitor? What did they say?

I'm not surprised that his colleagues don't like him. He is a deeply unlikeable man. No matter how he is behaving, whether he is cockily insulting you to your children, whether he is breaking down in tears or behaving like teacher's pet to your awful therapist, it is all performative and attention seeking. He never gives you a moment's peace.

I've read about some terrible men on Mumsnet over the years, but he is up there with the worst of the worst. That terrible combination of cockiness and glee when he mocks you and puts you down in tandem with his utterly soul destroying neediness and sheer inadequacy make him unbearable to live with. He hates you but he knows that he would be absolutely nothing without you.

Where else do you expect her to go? She has to keep a roof over her children’s heads. That’s not something most people can fund as an extra on top of paying for the actual family home that they all live in. She can’t leave the kids in his sole care. And if she moves out she jeopardises her claim on the actual house. She needs to force him out, or at least force a sale to split the money.

I agree! He's such a manipulative arsehole, that it wouldn't surprise me in the least if he did this OP. So I honestly think it's time for you to put an end to this charade. Did you stop the counselling, and if so, how did he react to that?

This was my first thought too. Good luck Op

Good point. Well made.

Gently, why on earth are you still there?

Rant away, that’s what a bunch of random strangers on the internet are for!

I’m so sorry you’re still stuck in this awful situation. Don’t let him guilt trip you. Could you just file for divorce now? Just serve him with the papers and refuse to discuss it. He’s going to drag it out for as long as possible, you’re going to have to be forceful.

And to be honest, it’s hardly surprising his colleagues don’t like him. Horrible people aren’t just horrible in one area of their life and lovely everywhere else. They might wear a mask a lot of the time, but people do see through it eventually if they spend enough time with them.

OP you have a vested interest in separating before he quits his job and presents himself as the ‘main carer’ of your children or tries to request maintenance because he ‘can’t work due to stress’. It feels like he knows his gig is up and is setting a favourable scene.

@Ginge88You know deep down what you have to do. The fear of what the future holds for you and your boys isn’t a good enough reason to put it off any longer.

You’ve got money. You’ve got a plan. You want to be free of him. Now make it happen. Don’t listen to his hysterical manipulation. Just leave him.

Please don’t get to August (a year after you first posted) and still be in this abusive relationship. We’re all rooting for you. xx

How can we help you figure out what you need to leave safely?

So now he can say, come cuddle on the couch all evening because the therapist says so. 😳😖 Can see why he chose this therapist and doubtless primed her. Never ever go back.

If you stay , he will still turn your children against you. At least if you leave, you get 50% of counteracting him and they don’t get to see him belittle and abuse you. He will still do it, talk about your deficiencies, but it’s not as powerful a message as watching him do it with you taking it. Visually watching abuse is seriously damaging

I get the paralysed bit. It’s a big change but he is narcissistic. There’s no living with these guys that ever turns out well and staying will damage your children more than leaving.

Wait, so the therapy is (in his and the therapist's eyes) aimed at working on your marriage and staying together?

Putting a stop to it needs to be a priority. It is just compounding the damage. You owe no one an explanation. You dont need to inform the therapist. Just refuse to go. Wishing you all the best, plus strength and fortitude.

Her 'homework' for you to spend three evenings a week on the sofa having a cuddle with your abusive DH has made me go cold all over. Does your therapist genuinely believe that you (singular) are having therapy because you want to stay with your DH and to make your marriage work? Your DH found this therapist. Is that what he told her? I find this quite distressing so goodness knows how you feel.