To find this H comment annoying

Yes he does ( been there, next will be him ‘accidentally’ kicking you as he moves his legs if you insist)

Why since I posted this does it seem so much more obvious and constant??

Because you're seeing it for what it is; your eyes have been opened; his cloud is weakening and he will up his game for that reason alone.

How can he not see that I don't want to respond or argue if front of the kids. When he gets like that - it's like he doesnt' care what they hear or see. His anger or displeasure is more important than anything.

Precisely. He is the only important one. Everyone else is just someone to be used and abused.

I agree that asking WA about your work thing would be a very good idea. I think that leaving the children with him is risky, especially if you tell him you want to end the relationship before you go. I don't say that lightly.

Follow your gut instinct regarding work. Use this time to plan. You will need plans a, b, c, d etc so make sure all bases are covered. Use this time to watch him carefully so you will know for certain it is over even if he cries, threatens suicide, promises to change blah blah, you will know the real him.

Quick question. If you were working and he was looking after the kids how is it your fault the toys/mess was everywhere? Have you ever turned it round and say "well, why didn't you tidy it up, they are your children too?"

I think on the grounds that he might go for 50/50 to threaten you, it might be wise to not go.

Better to check with Women's aid what they think, get legal advice.

Perhaps then the advice would be to tell work that due to domestic abuse you are trying to end your marriage and are afraid of leaving the children with him.

You need advice to help you make the best decision.

Hard to argue against 50/50 if you have left them with him for work.

Get the work thing out of the way.

Sort out what you need to sort out.

Ask him to fuck off, tell him its over, he needs to leave etc.

Yes he will go for 50/50, he might even attempt to go for full custody but he won't get it particularly as he is going to need to sort himself somewhere to live.

I doubt that with them being so young, he will manage the 'all the boys together Mummy is an arse' behaviour because it doesn't sound like he can maintain the disney dad thing long enough, they may not have a brilliant time with him but at least they will NOT get to see him being vile to you, shouting at you etc etc.

It’s very narcissistic behaviour. There is healthy narcissism….then there are people like your husband …and mine.
He will damage your child, but at the same time, turn the child against you. You need to get out and protect the child, too. Grey rock is good. He feeds off your reaction , delights in upsetting you. He is sick and cannot be helped because he will always feel he is right.
Jokes are only jokes when everyone finds them funny. He knows he’s not joking , but means every word. He’ll only say you have no sense of humour to put you in the wrong. He has no sense of humour. He is deliberately cruel. A basic link.

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/am-i-dating-a-narcissist

O my goodness, my ex used to do this - say provocative and insulting things when the children were around, knowing that I wouldn't respond because I didn't want the children upset. I had actually forgotten this! What total bastards some people are.

Please note the 'ex', ginge.

Do you want this in 5 years time, 10 years… 20 years…

It’s not jokes, he just sounds like a bastard, op.

Behaviour like this his towards your son, one minute terrorising him over food, next minute cuddling him is designed to absolutely fxxk your child up emotionally.

Make no mistake about that.
Your child is being damaged.
He may not understand the words he uses to you, but he will absorb that tense atmosphere.
It's when he is older he will fully understand, when the damage has long been done.

Womans aid can help, they understand abuse in all it's forms.

Could you have a separate conversation with him about the rice? Children usually eat intuitively and my attitude has always been that they don’t have to finish their food if they’re full. It’s only rice - it could have gone into the bin without any fuss. I still remember my friend’s Mum making me sit at the table until I’d eaten everything on my plate and that was about 45 years ago. It’s a horrible situation for a child to be put in and your husband needs to know that this can lead to all sorts of issues around food. If a lunchtime supervisor at school did this to your child it would rightly be cause for a complaint. It’s nothing to do with you undermining him and everything to do with him being unreasonable.

@MillyCentTap let's hope her eyes have been opened for ds sake? My dm let us suffer.

It can be very difficult to see abusive behaviour for what it is when you are in the relationship.The abuser keeps your mind constantly filled with their shit intentionally so you don't have the headspace to see their behaviour for what it is. Once you are out from under their cloud things become clearer and you realise what you have been enduring. Fortunate are those who don't understand.

You should document all of these instances for evidence.

Definitely using ds to wind you up. Why can't you see this?

I agree with PPs that he is using the rice and your DS to get at you @Ginge88

I also agree with @AutumnFroglets that greyrock will see you through some tough times until you are free.

I very strongly disagree with @HFJ that you need an honest discussion with him. He knows what he's doing and he doesn't want it pointing out to him, it would only result in more pain and distress for you. As would joint counselling which is never a good idea with an abuser. Unless the counsellor is very up on the matter he will get them on side and use it as yet another stick to beat you with and you would come out of it much worse off.

As for him feeding off your mood - just no.

I find it hard to understand what is happening ... And actually he's not doing anything so to speak. He's not shouting. There is just this mood. And I find it so hard to navigate.

That's abuse for you. Mine was the same. You are on eggshells, trying to work out what is wrong and trying to work out what you can do to fix it. There is nothing wrong and there is nothing you can do to fix it. He doesn't want it fixed, he wants you to be feeling the way you do. To be doubting yourself and unhappy. To an outsider looking in they might well be wondering what your problem is because he's not doing anythiing. But you know, it's all for you, you can feel it because you're supposed to. This is why WA or similar would be such a help to you @Ginge88 , they get it, they will help to give you the strength you need to get through this

Oh absolutely he is abusing his child to upset you.
That poor little boy.
Men like him are the absolute worst.
He wants to keep you in line that is why he does this.

You do realise that H was most likely punishing you via DC/rice? Once you are split there is a good chance he won't care if DC eats all his rice because you won't be witnessing DCs tears or upset. He's enjoying your distress not DCs.

Get rid asap, and in the meantime learn the art of greyrock. Keep walking out the room if you feel upset so he can't read your face. Next mealtime go upstairs and put headphones on - you will be doing this anyway when it's Hs 50% parenting time during the separation process, assuming he will want 50% (of washing up, laundry, shopping, breakfast times, school runs, bathtimes etc, all the chores and drudge of real parenting).

Does he ever praise you, thank you or tell you that you look beautiful?

Reason I ask is that I was just trying to think about what he is thinking when he makes those ‘joke’ comments or gets lairy and in-ur-face, frightening the kids in the process. If the answer to the above question is no, then I suspect he has contempt for you. Contempt is the death knell of marriage.

It’s not unusual for contempt to creep in, particularly during the first years of parenthood. Life is just one endless emptying ofthe dishwasher, putting the bins out, cutting up tiny sandwiches and paying the bills. People forget that love, like a flower, will just wither and die unless it is watered and cared for. So, perhaps you both have got out of the habit of saying and doing nice things for each other, and have not created a positive feedback loop where you look forward to seeing each other.

This is where marriage counselling can help.

The other thing I’d like to mention is the very tiresome phenomenon, noticed by myself and other older women in my life, whereby the woman seems to have responsibility for generating the mood of the house. As if we didn’t have enough to sort out already! It’s the reason why, when you get PMT, instead of giving us a hug and a chocolate bar, men get all grumpy and try to grump us into cheering up. It is possible that because you’re feeling down, he’s feeding off that. Not an excuse, of course, but a possible explanation.

Next steps? Probably an honest discussion with him.