To find this H comment annoying

@Ginge88 oh, and well done for calling them. That was a huge step. Are you feeling more able to plan your escape now?

His human right? I'm not sure that's the correct way round - it's actually a child's right to see a parent and the court will start by looking at what is in the best interests of the child. They will start with the presumption that it's best for the child to have contact with both parents, but it has nothing to do with his rights.

This law blog is pretty useful and explains things well. https://www.familylawpartners.co.uk/blog/can-i-stop-my-ex-partner-having-contact

Reply loudly BORE OFF, or SNORE OFF or 'CHANGE THE BLOODY RECORD TREVOR YOU BORING BASTARD'

That should do it.

You are correct about the shame . https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/202204/5-harsh-truths-about-narcissistic-love#:~:text=When%20narcissists%20say%20%22I%20love,confused%2C%20exhausted%2C%20and%20heartbroken.

Refuge is right. These guys are most dangerous when they find out you are leaving. There are a lot of dead wives could attest to that and I’m sorry to sound so dramatic but it’s true. I’ve said it before, plan in secret and leave if you can while he is away those 4 days. Don’t tell him where you are going . With children , he will have to find out but don’t see him alone after you’ve gone. Handover children for visits in a public place or try to have someone with you.

https://www.businessinsider.com/how-to-leave-a-narcissist-in-14-steps-2018-10#dont-believe-they-will-change-2

Don’t waste your pity. He makes a choice to be a monster. They get inside your head…why most women take them back at least once usually more, because we try to attribute normal emotions and feelings to them. They cry, we pity…the tears are crocodile tears, manipulative, switched on at will. They learn when they first meet you and seem to be so caring and interested, what buttons to push to get you back on side, to feel sorry for them . They play on your humanity , but they are truly monsters…and some are very dangerous when they think they are losing control of their victim. So keep your wits about you and don’t ever think of him as human. He means every word of nastiness..the bits he doesn’t mean are the soft words that drew you in, in the first place. That is the act, make no mistake. The honey to keep you in the trap

The reason he upped the abuse is because you didn’t have sex with him. He’s deeply unpleasant- he’s damaging your children emotionally and he’s not a healthy man. He must really resent your abilities - to earn more than him, to be patient with the children and look after them lovingly.

Do you have real life support - it’s tough being a single working parent AND it’s better than what you’re putting up with. Yes you had a poor role model as a father and that has understandably impacted your relationship choices with men. He’s an abusive passive aggressive bully. It is not you - it’s HIM 🌺🌺keep posting for support - can you contact womens aid? He knows what he’s doing - he’s very jealous of you - yes he’s insecure AND there is no need to belittle and bully someone you are meant to Love - what would he do if you said “it’s not working for me?”

do not hesitate to call the police if he threatens you. Can you afford some counselling as that helped me feel stronger and gave me the strength to end the relationship - your May cry - may threaten suicide - promise to change etc - usual bullshit!!! There’s also a free book by Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that - about abusive controlling men,
I wish you well.

I had to read your posts back a few times to double check this isn't my thread that I also have running here about a very similar situation.

I'm so sorry you're going through this too. I have come to accept my husband probably loves me very much AND it is also true that his own insecurities and neurodiversity cause him to behave in unacceptable and unsafe ways that cause the same abusive impact on me as traditional abuse. Thinking that both are true at the same time has helped me to make a plan for my future. I am someone that needs to acknowledge it isn't black or white or I get stuck and feel trapped. So I am slowly moving forward.

I dread the idea of 50:50 but ultimately hold hope it won't last long as he'd soon find it too triggering. He wouldn't want to be in situations that he can't handle appropriately 50% of the week, if nothing else it would cause huge inner shame, which he does anything (verbally attack me especially) to avoid.

He cares about them..not so sure about that. Not in the usual parental way.

He enjoys the manipulation and conditioning. He is abusing , gently but with the shouting , and I saw about him and them eating rice? alternating with times of affection with them as he does/ did with you. Abuse will escalate as they age into pre teen and teens and they’ll get shouted at, because that’s where he gets his kicks and the fun times to keep them on side and make them keep trying to please him, so they think the abuse is their fault and if they try harder, he will love them more and the fun will be all the time…which it never will. It’s a mind fuck and very damaging. They could grow up to just like him, because to them, it is normal. And he’s grooming them to treat others the same way. Not that they necessarily will. 2 of mine turned out well. Disliked him, saw through him eventually, but are still scarred
But it is how mine escalated with our boys.

If you can find and arrange secretly for somewhere to go while he is away, that would be the time to leave. No confrontation as you’re going out the door then, because he won’t like you taking control.
You need a lawyer asap. A rental for short term any way till you can sort something else out.

I hope everything goes as well as possible with the split. I know sometimes people try to work it out but for that to work, there has to be some respect and willingness to treat each other properly left. It sounds like he has given up and he’s being as cruel as he likes.

They are too young to realise but it is bad for your kids to see their mother being treated like this. There will be a positive in showing them that women should not just take abuse. If this was my sister telling me she was being treated like this I would want her to get out.

Please use the 4 days he is away to get organised.
Reach out to family, friends, work, to help you during this time to see what your options are.

Could you get an au pair to live with you to help with the children if you can get him out.

You can do this.
Ring Women's aid for advice and look for good recommendations for legal representation.

You can do this.
You and your children can be free.

misogyny…that’s a sign . Don’t take it personally. He just hates women and it’s contempt, too. He would be the same with any woman he ends up with.

As well as swapping between the person you want him to be and the person he is.
Shame you can’t have a camera, like they have nanny cams with SD card in the living room or somewhere to keep an eye on how he is with the children, if you are away. If he does his abusive stuff, it might be good evidence for the court. I’d certainly be recording his abusive times when I was home , if it were me. I had a recording flash drive under the couch ..wasn’t good if the tv was on but other times it caught enough sound to prove I was not lying and he was. Or I’d have my phone recording.

Please be careful and work on getting your ducks in a row before telling him your plans.
In the meantime grey rock his shitty comments, leave the room if he tries to insult you, pretend you haven't heard him. Practice quiet quitting, don't do those nice things you might have done for him before the scales fell from your eyes. Keep doing the things that make you happy, hold your boys close and show them all the love you have for them.
Good luck and take your time. There are some inspiring threads on here about life after divorce and stories from brave women who are thriving after leaving abusive relationships.

Keep posting for support when you need it Ginge. There's a great group of women on here who'll keep you right ❤️

I'd have sat on his fucking legs... but I suspect you're the better person for not doing so.
What a cunt.

@Ginge88 I think the advice to tell work you're planning to leave an abusive situation is good as it sounds like going away will not be the best thing to do at this point. Have you been able to contact WA or Refuge? If not, I think you need to prioritise that so they can help you.

@Ginge88 lots of hugs. It's actually quite frightening once you open your eyes and look at your relationship honestly, and I suspect that's why we keep them shut for as long as possible. To think that someone who supposedly loved us once could treat us like this.

If you can get out of the trip without impacting your work prospects then do so as you need to leave as soon as you can, otherwise go on it but don't tell him you are leaving until afterwards. Good luck - you've got this

You never noticed how bad it was before because it just became the norm, I was exactly the same with my soon to be ex husband. Ironically he left me after 25 years and it's only been since he's gone I realised how bad it actually had been at times.

I'd cancel the work trip, unless you think it will affect your career, and focus on getting out of the relationship. He sounds awful.