To find this H comment annoying

This is where you say I have 99 problems and all of them are you!

@Ginge88 you're not an idiot. This is another side-effect of the abuse. Hold on to how good you felt while he wasn't there as it's very telling. You felt good because he wasn't there, not because he's not so bad after all.

Op, my husband was twatty like that. It killed some of my feelings to him. I built up my walls to protect myself. And I do regular therapy.

I’ve only just seen the thread and have read it all the way through.

Oh my goodness, OP! I can’t tell you how much admiration I have for you, to be holding down a demanding job, maintaining your home, and being (what sounds like a thoroughly excellent) mum to young children. And to do that despite the undermining, the verbal abuse, the shouting, the fear for your children and yourself.

It’s horrible that you are being treated like this. I’d love for you and your boys to have a better life; one where you all feel secure, valued, loved. It’s what you and they deserve.

You’ve already achieved so much. You can do this too.

Hugs

Oh yeah, these guys can’t feel the emotions or empathy but over their lives, they learn about the right responses to make. They can act the empathy and make the right noises, say the right things to fool others. They can’t keep it going but it gets them by.

It makes sense to me. He’d treat me like crap, then be nice or be away for a few days , maybe a couple of weeks and I’d think, it’s only a blip. Every marriage has them, doesn’t it? Ups and downs? It will be ok now and we are back to normal. It wasn’t so bad. After all, he doesn’t hit me, it’s just he gets wound up a bit. I can do this. I just need to ….be calmer, not react and upset him, try harder at the relationship.
Except normal was the roller coaster. The ups never lasted long. The downs got more and more frequent and nasty.
After I left, the bad was buried under new experiences and when he made sweet approaches and apologies, the bad seemed to have faded to nothings….and I went back…to hell as the reality very soon hit me again and I realised why I had left.
Abused women go back to their abuser as many as 7 times before the leave for the last time, or he kills them…and it does often escalate to that. The hope that the man they married will come back is hard to lose.

The man they married did not exist. He was a fake. A mask that cannot be maintained.
These guys are brain damaged. Cannot be cured. Won’t accept there’s a problem …or if there is, it’s not them. The part of their brain that deals with emotion, empathy is undeveloped. They cannot love as you know it. They can only think of what they want for themselves and they need to feel superior and in control.
But
do not feel like an idiot. It’s perfectly normal. But do resist it lol. I find I need to try and save others from making my mistakes and I learned so much in the past 7 years about these guys . Be strong. You can do this .

Makes total sense. Leaving is a big change, change is always scary and it takes effort, your mind will be seeking ways to avoid all that disruption. Plus, being in a crappy situation or relationship saps your confidence and optimism, which makes your subconscious even more afraid of change. Small steps. If you aren’t sure about leaving, just do things so that you could leave easily, in case it feels really bad one day. Create that option for yourself, but you don’t have to commit to taking it yet if you need more time.

I think it's a normal impact of domestic abuse, until you get out of the situation. If you subconsciously believe you're trapped in a situation, your brain won't process how bad things are because you need to be able to cope, and also you need to be able to behave in a way that doesn't provoke more abuse. In fact your brain will do an amazing job of "protecting" you by forgetting and minimising the abuse.

But what your subconscious doesn't know is that you can leave. Once you get out, thinking will become easier.

He’s complacent that he can treat you like absolute dirt and nothing will happen as a consequence. He can insult you, belittle you, embarrass you, challenge you nastily - whatever he feels in the mood to do. Well, he can’t now because thankfully your eyes are open to it and you’ve realised that you are not right for each other. There’s no point flogging a dead horse. You said you felt bad at being nearly 40 in this situation. Well, don’t. 40 is going to be the marker of confidence and independence to go into your forties free of him - it will be a positive turning point for you. He’s clearly unhappy but hasn’t got the balls to do anything but alternate between being passive aggressive and miserable. Let him grump about and snap and be critical and and grumpy on his own. He can’t keep dragging you down. He doesn’t deserve a nice partner! He treats you appallingly.

You can do this.

You've had the strength to put up with all this for years. My theory is that in many cases of abuse, these men are drawn to self-sufficient and capable women but then start to resent them because they are self sufficient and capable and they are jealous of that. They begin to erode your self confidence to make themselves feel superior. They are cruel.

So remember you were strong before this relationship. You are strong during it, and you'll also draw on that strength during the separation and beyond. Nobody here will tell you it'll be easy, but it will be worth it.

Your boys have learned a bit from him yes, but they are young enough to unlearn it if you leave.

In a home of your own, you can show them that women are deserving of respect and create a peaceful loving and joyful environment for them - and a safe haven away from the anger and outbursts. Even when it's not directed at them, it's terrifying for them on some level. As they grow and go to their dad's they'll begin to see the failure of a man who blames everyone but himself for his failings. But you'll have shown them a better way to be men.

Worth repeating OP. You have the second guy so be very careful and learn how to grey rock quickly. He will use your emotions against you. Keep a journal of all his goadings (mainly for you so you don't feel as though you are going insane if you have proof).

Get yourself checked out, your GP might be able to put you on anti anxiety meds until you are out the other side, which will help you enormously.

If you start to waver remember this:
You can continue in this hell for the next ten or twenty years or you can have a deeper hell for a year but peace and happiness for the remainder of your life. Dig deep, the rewards will be amazing

I know he's ground you down, but honestly when he said this bit, 'he started telling me the other lads are talking about strip bars.' I'd have laughed out loud.

And then said, 'The idea of YOU in a strip bar' and refused to say any more.

He must know he's shit in bed. I would react to anything he says with an amused look and an 'okaaaay' or just a snigger, to be honest.

Please tell me you are actually filing for divorce.

It is really hard to grey rock when they come out with such a pile of shite all the time, but you will thank yourself you didn't stoop to his level. I managed to grey rock my ex when we were getting divorced, even though frankly there were a million things I felt like telling him. I look back at that time with satisfaction, not all the horribleness of it of course, but the fact that I never said a thing when I was being called all sorts of things. It made me stronger at the time, and stronger now. All good wishes to you ginge x

I truly hope you manage to get away from that horrible excuse for a man. You and your boys deserve some peace and normality 💐

Yes yes yes to talking to solicitors, well done!
You won't be losing your kids, and you will reclaim their respect.

I know its hard (actually no, I don't know how hard it is) but you can be massively proud, what you're about to do is huge ♥️

Just say " And the first time I tucked up was marrying you"

I agree @Ginge88 , it would be wise to get it checked out to put your mind at ease but also to have on your medical notes the basics of what you're going through

I hope you enjoy the peace while he's away and make good progress with all that you have to do.

You should get checked out though.

I used to reply ‘yes, dear’ to every snide insult, and otherwise ignore..going grey rock is what they call it now . There are guys to blow up at, and it’s effective, and there are narcissists who goad you to make you blow up so they can tell everyone how crazy you are.
edited to add apostrophe

Lost my shit earlier cos something fell out the car when l opened the door and dd and dh said it was my fault. Even though l hadn't put it in the effing car.
Think l made my point.
Lose your shit next time op.