To find this H comment annoying

When you leave it has to be for good. This guy won’t behave because he had a scare. If he thinks he’s losing control he will get angry . You won’t like him when he’s angry …and I mean angry. You can’t let him know you are thinking of leaving until you are safely out for good.
I am serious. These guys can be dangerous.
Nothing wrong with saying you’re going to visit mother for a few days, but don’t use it as a threat of permanence depending on his behaving better.
it might seem impossible but your children need protecting from this. Their view of women and marriage is being created, the longer it goes on.

OP, what does your mum know about this? Does she know you are trapped in an abusive marriage? Can you confide in her? Can you go stay with her even for a week? I re-post something I said earlier to someone else on another thread:

"OP, every poster on here who is mistreated by their husband says the same thing. 'oh the kids adore him!', 'oh the kids will HATE ME if I leave him'. Please don't gaslight yourself. Kids will still adore both parents whether living with them full time or not. And many of us will attest that kids will appreciate seeing their mother happier. Happy mummy, happier life. Staying 'for the sake of the children' never, and I mean NEVER works. Kids know when something is up. You owe it to yourself to be happy so you can be an effective mother. Please leave. At least pack your bags and go stay with your parents (or relative) for a few days - 'give him a scare'. See what he says then when he comes back home and sees you've left him, and he has to explain to his mummy. Time for ULTIMATUM."

I do worry when we split the two boys will end up with him somehow
He won't want them. He will fight for 50/50 but only so he won't have to pay cms or to mess with your head, but he won't want to do the school runs, or clean the uniforms or to do bathtime. The drudgery will soon turn him off.

I'm trying really hard to plan leaving but it's so hard.
Get a notebook and start writing things down. Make a list of what you need to do. Hide it somewhere he doesn't go, maybe with the hoover or amongst the decorating sheets or under the mattress your side. Don't start on the first five pages (maybe make a list of decorating projects or boring things on those so if he sees it he puts it back). Seeing things in black and white (and crossed off) is helpful imo.

You don't have to find your anger, I never did. I did start to find him ridiculously stupid and I ended up internally laughing at him like pp. I also made bets with myself as to what he would say over any given flash point, ie you bought wonky carrots (due to them being cheaper), so start thinking how you think he might react. When he reacts exactly how you thought you tend to giggle inside. This takes away his power and your fear. Try it next time.

Oh Ginge, love. He's an absolute bell end!!

Tell him to shut the fuck up or you'll stick the wonky carrots up his arse.

So many people will be affected by this if you stay. Imagine your beautiful sons treating their future partners like this, their children seeing this thinking it's normal.

But please, do this for yourself, be strong and leave this sorry excuse for a man. Imagine the peace when you don't have to listen to the drivel he spouts or feel him in bed next to you.

I used to live with someone who got angry over stupid shit and I grey-rocked their shit but I learnt to have a silent chuckle to myself 'you are angry at a carrot you twat, imagine getting that worked up over a wonky carrot'. This sort of helped to rebalance how those times would affect me until I was able to escape. It was water off a duck's back at the end, I had not an ounce of respect left after the ridiculousness of him. I hope you are able to get away from him soon.

He might be the "Disney dad" who buys sweets and lets them stay up late but that'll soon wear off. When he actually has to parent them, you won't be there to do it for him, to calm the waters.

The kids will quickly realise that Dad is a short tempered arsehole with no patience. And they'll come to appreciate reliable, calm, loving Mum.

What a bastard. The only positive thing that comes to mind reading your posts is that often people who behave horribly feel like shit because of it, let’s hope that’s true in his case.

I do not have your patience.

“…and the billionth time twatfeatures has made that same laboured shitty comment”

Couldn't agree more! You are very strong Op.

Would you consider telling your manager or HR? It would be good if you could, to get their support especially if you need time off at short notice or extra flexibility with your workload / hours etc.

Good luck!

Ignore my first comment, I've now read all your comments. I'm so sorry you're living with such a horrible bastard. Don't doubt yourself, leaving him is the best decision despite worries you may have about sharing care of the kids. It's more important for them to have a happy mum, than to live with a man who belittles their mum constantly. You need to split for their sakes, so they don't learn his behaviour and think that's how you treat women. Do you have proof that you have been paying the mortgage by yourself? If you earn more than him could you afford to buy him out so you don't have to leave the kids home? It's a lot to think about and process but I truly believe you need to leave him as soon as you can. I'd even go so far as so create a case with the police and record all the abusive behaviour so that it's on file for when you come to splitting care of the kids.

I have read all your posts OP and I’m absolutely horrified that you are stuck with this monster. You sound so rational and reasonable in the face of such deep provocation. I really hope you manage to get away and I hope that he will realise he’s a shit parent and leave you to it for a while. What a sad little man.

Do it back to him. I'm sure he'll soon stop.

Re co-parenting - about clubs /activities- if they are exclusively on “your days” you don’t need his consent nor do you need to inform him. You need his agreement for things like which school to attend etc.
xx

When they are all he has got to try to hurt you with then sadly he might well do that. Just try to fight each battle as it comes and get as much as possible written into the order as it is the only thing you can do.

I’m the mother of someone who has exactly this problem and everything literally everything had to be thrashed out in court in repeated sessions and right now he is breaking the order with seeming impunity. It’s mentally and financially exhausting because yet again he will have to be taken back to court.

Sorry don’t mean to hijack your thread. Best wishes, OP xxx
try not to let him steal all your joy.
These men are pathetic.

I wholeheartedly agree with pp. You felt good that week because he wasn't there. You were allowed to be you, the real you, and I bet that felt amazing. You could feel that way 24/7 for the rest of your life.

he just said "ah - you're prioritising that over family time on the last weekend of the summer then I guess?"
Look up DAVRO. Abusive, manipulative people use this technique to attack and confuse their victim.

Please start planning to leave before he breaks you too much.

Well done for seeing it all so clearly. I think keep taking steps to get out. Can you go part time temporarily in your job then back up to full if needed later on? I’d look at all options in terms of what would be best when you split.

In the meantime, see friends, take the kids out by yourself, dream of the future and do whatever you can to boost your confidence and remember whatever he says is just him trying to tear you down. It’s in no way an accurate reflection of reality! You’re a capable and loving mother and woman and you’ve got this.

Coparenting with a nasty person is really hideous- they use the kids to get at you- not returning favourite clothes, forgetting / refusing to administer meds etc.

I would suggest that all communication regarding the children be kept to one email account set aside for that purpose. Do not engage in any other discussion.

If you go to court to arrange the times when they will be with him/ with you/ where they will mostly live etc then you can get the drop off/ pick up arrangements written into the order. Same with arrangements for holidays / Christmas or anything you feel will be important down the line.

Send a “handover” email every time he picks them up with any info he needs to know about them. Expect the same from him, but don’t be surprised if he doesn’t bother.

Best wishes, and be prepared to have to go back to court if he decides to act unilaterally. xx

I'm seriously thinking I need to work out away to step back from my career. I've always been ambitious but the boys are with him a fair bit without me and they always talk about missing me and they cling to me.

do think very long and hard before deciding to step back from your career. You will need it even more to ensure you have independence, and don't underestimate the self esteem that can be gained from being in a job, where you are valued for your contributions and getting paid for it! It gives you freedom. Your children will rise to the occasion and adapt to the fact you have to work. They will mature very quickly, as children do when confronted with a 'grown-up' situation like this.

he does make me feel small a lot of the time. he is deeply insecure about everything so i don't feel anger towards him really

he sounds insufferable and passive aggressive. I wouldn't be able to stand that earache for the rest of my life.

Funny is once when you both can roll your eyes and laugh.
Carrying it on especially after you've asked him to stop is rude and disrespectful.