To find this H comment annoying

He is just so disgusting. And such a disappointment. I can’t wait until you’re free of him.

I have read your entire thread here. I just wanted to say I think you are focusing on your children as a coping mechanism. Also using them as an excuse not to push yourself into doing what needs doing. I know it is hard. I have been exactly where you are but with three kids and pregnant. I got my children and walked away from everything. I did it. So can you. Do not allow him to insult you in front of the children. Fight back. You are allowed. I am not saying to shout. You look him dead in the eye and tell him enough is enough. That you are done with his mind games and will not tolerate his behavior any longer. Dig deep. I wish you well.

I hear you, I really do. I'm still in the process of leaving as I am financially stuck until the house sale has completed. For the past six months my evenings have been spent in my bedroom while he wanders around the rest of the house. It's how I cope. You need to start thinking how you will cope too once you've told him. Is there a spare bedroom, or can the children be moved together into the master so you both have the smaller rooms? If so can you put a TV in that room etc. Unless of course you have the funds to get a rental in which case whoohoo!

Oh..he doesn’t love them. In his head, he owns them as he owns you. If you can record his treatment of them when he’s making them cry or shouting at them or at you when they are there, it shows you aren’t being vindictive or lying to use children as pawns, as many do.
You have record on your phone. You can get voice activated digital recorders to hide under a couch or something. Even recorders in a ballpoint pen, that also works as a pen. Be pro active for your children.

You have to document the abuse for the judge. Get social services involved so they back you for custody. It’s not always 50/50 if there’s abuse. My OH never saw his kids after ages 9 and 10. They won’t talk to him now except to tell him to F off. You have to get them away. Judges talk to children too.

Sometimes you can worry too much and you become frozen with fear of the unknown. Usually the unknown is actually not that bad in the end once we've taken that first step.

Take a deep breath and take that first step. Hundreds of women before you have been in your exact same position regarding children and horrible fathers - and the children end up flourishing because they are away from the permanent toxic atmosphere. Remember, most men don't end up doing 50% it's usually far, far less.

my aunt says the same kind of thing as your mum but she has been putting up with horrible behaviour from her husband and they are well into their 70s now. I do not listen to her when it comes to relationship advice.

it sounds like your kids are already being impacted by his behaviour even though they’re so small. I hope you are alright.

You are teasing things out in your head, that is ok.

But honestly what your 3 year old has spelled straight out, is really shocking.
This is not normal at all.
This is a child absolutely absorbing the toxicity of his family life, seeing 100% clearly that his father is a nasty prick.

Believe me when I tell you that a child so verbal will be soon telling those outside of your home how nasty Daddy is to mummy and him.

If that is a mandated person, they will be obliged to tell the authorities.
You are a good mum, you mean well.
Take this seriously.

Call your GP and ask for advice.
Tell the GP exactly what your child is witnessing and saying, and how he is being treated.

Could you self report to SS and ask for advice?
Call Womens aid and ask for advice.
Speak openly about what your child is saying.
He is being exposed to absolute toxicity in the home.

You can do this.

The reality is, he is NOT going to do 50/50, because it will be too much work.

The time he does have the kids he is going to give them screens to look at and games to play, feed them on freezer foods and takeaways and whatever else necessary to avoid argument and confrontation.

Whilst it won't be the best parenting, from a small childs point of view it is likely to be far less conflict filled and scary than the current situation.

Contact is also likely to tail off as your ex finds it harder work to do, and as the kids get older they'll be able to have a say as to wether they actually go or not.

AND on top of that, at LEAST half of the time probably more, you'll be able to provide good parenting and proper love and support.

That has to be better than the current situation.

He's v loving and hands on with kids.

i say he's a good dad because he is in lots of ways. he loves them a lot and they love him.

Your words OP. The two sections are not compatible with each other and I think you are now minimising the effect he is having on the children.

screamed in front of kids so they run under table

He just told DS he has to "finish all his rice" at dinner and DS started crying saying "please only half"

DS scattered some toys and he shouted at youngest DS. He then started explaining to me how was this level of mess acceptable and when I said 'ok, let's not do this now' as both boys were crying sat on top of me

My younger DS bloody hates him. I was in the kitchen and H was in a right mood because DS won't hug him or go near him. I said "DS loves you" and DS strode in an declared "no, I do not. I want him to go away forever". Hes only 3.

You say he will insist on 50/50 but a part from doing most of the cooking and the bins what does he actually do to run the house or childcare?

OP, you cant seriously think that it is better to stay together 100% of the time rather than provide a safe space at least 50% of the time?
The older your children get the more they will vote with their feet.
I cannot see him wanting 50% for long.
The reality is too hard.

It is so awful that your son is driven at 3 to saying that.
Its horrific.
Poor little mite.
So abusive of him to be driven to express that.

The one family I know with a similar sounding dynamic I know the mum was / is concerned about kids having to spend time with their dad.

It’s tough because she has to use a lot of her time with the kids calming them down and reassuring them after time with dad. They act out more after being with him, more likely to have anxiety around school etc.. However, it appears to me, and the mum says the same, that overall the kids are happier now.

They have more time when they can relax without the difficulties that dad introduces, more time to work through the emotions. Mum is much stronger in herself and able to support the kids better in their relationship with dad. It’s tough, and it’s taken a good few years to settle down, but in that case it does seem to be overall a better situation for everyone.

Often, sadly, family aren't the best people to support us because they are the ones who trained us with the blindspots to end up in the situation in the first place.

If you leave, it might be hard for your mum to accept because it calls into question her own choices.

Do you have any trustworthy and supportive friends you could confide in?

@Ginge88 the guilt is understandable, but needs addressing. Leaving will not negatively affect you or your children in the long term. You and they are the ones who matter here, not other people. He may well lose his mind as you say, and that is why people are emphasising the need for you to escape safely. Outside support will probably help you, but it sounds like your mum may not be best placed for this, given that she's obviously endured years of the same sort of abuse.

He sounds horrific.

Yes, this. The cycle needs to be broken.

you were groomed by your mother for a man like your OH. To accept abuse as normal. But as often happens, he went too far even for you. It seems she was also brought up to have the same mindset. It’s why you need to try and get your children out, before they think it’s normal, too

The grass may not be greener but at least it won't be full of shit.

It's not 'just the way men are'. You only get one life, don't waste it with this wanker.

It's not about finding a better man, it's about having a better life without a shitty man.

Genius

Well that explains why you've put up with this relationship. Your parents trained you to accept this shit and your partner is just re-afirming that training.

You are worth more