To find this H comment annoying

All the best op 💐 I left my abusive ex in 2018, and life is so much better out the other side.

Oh, my bad, narcs can be female so reverse that for them …sorry any guys reading this..I know you suffer too

Actually, it’s most people. He will strive to be like some guys he admires but most are beneath him. He needs to feel superior. He picked you because he admired you but then it turns to resentment because he can’t be as good as you so he has to put you down and make you less than, to make himself more than.

He is a narcissist…possibly NPD . They are misogynistic..always.
He doesn’t just hate, feel contempt for you. It’s all women.

His brain is underdeveloped in the emotional empathetic area. Possibly childhood trauma related but not ever fixable. It’s purposeful and deliberate now though. A conscious decision to devalue you.

Do not rise to his bait. It feeds him when you do. Either ignore or smile sweetly…try not to snarl instead lol. You are a star. You will get through this

Jokes are supposed to be funny to all parties otherwise it's bullying

I guess it's surprising because it's such an abnormal way for a human being to behave, particularly towards the person they are supposed to live and cherish.

Feeling excitement is wonderful! So pleased to read that. I've been lurking but not commenting, apologies.
I'm so sorry he's a shit. His contempt is vile and you deserve to be cherished.

Btw I left my abusive ex nearly 20 years ago and never regretted it. Not once.

Honestly it will be so much better to leave in the long run. Perhaps harder at first but then so much easier for the rest of your life.

You worry about your dc but firstly he may reduce his contact when he realises how hard it is. And secondly you will be role modelling healthy parenting and normal relationships. While you are together all your kids see is an abusive dynamic.

You’re on the right track; cutting back on extra at work, grey rocking your resident troll, sharing with others. This is the start of a big journey and like any journey it starts with the first steps.
You sound like an amazing, strong woman and wonderful mother. Try not to think of the whole journey at once, just the next one or two steps at a time to keep the overwhelm in check.
Keep posting as there are so many people who’ve been through the process and out the other side and can help with all sorts of information and of course ,support.
You can do this.

@Ginge88 I have my own stuff but if a friend got in touch about this I'd be there for them.

I'm sure I'm not alone in wishing I could give you a big hug and tell you everything will be okay ❤️

You sound like an amazing, strong, emotionally competent person to me OP.
You need to plan your escape now before you breakdown completely and he realises what you’re planning. You got this!
He’s draining all life out of you because he enjoys it, take that in!! How sadistic is that?
Try to imagine that this is happening to one of your children, how would you advise them to act?

Can you go and stay elsewhere for a few days? Do you have a sibling or old school friend?
Try to get away from him as much as you can.
Also (and I’m not a parent, so the parents might disagree?) just sleep with your son. Eat dinner early and let him go to bed later at 9pm, and just go to sleep. Get up early and do your chores in peace then? Then you also don’t need to share a bed with this disgusting monster.

You are doing really well, just keep going x

As harsh as it will be handing dc over for contact I can't imagine he will want to have them alone in their current emotional state. He will hand them back ptq imo. Try to concentrate on your dc having at least 50% of their lives amazing with you...

@Ginge88 - you are absolutely good enough. More than good enough, in fact.

I second @PinotPony's advice about telling HR you're in the process of leaving an abusive relationship, if things can calm down at work that will give you more energy and space to focus on yourself and the children.

You've totally got this, we're all here with you.

I've followed your thread but not commented yet. I've been blown away by your strength and self awareness.

This isn't the time to try to be the best version of yourself, to be all things to all people. You're allowed to crack a little.

Tell HR at work what is happening, that you're trying to leave an abusive relationship. You're obviously a valued employee and I'm sure they'll support you by lessening the workload. Do you have an employee assistance service you could call?

The kids are probably picking up on the atmosphere at home. They'll be happier when you're out of this and happier yourself.

We are all rooting for you on here. And sending you huge hugs and support. You can do this. One day at a time.

Your kids are feeling insecure because they see and hear. You are a good mum. I’m sending virtual hugs. This whole thread is a hundred hugs for you. You don’t want H to hug you. You really don’t. Narcs hate tears. They see them as manipulation.
Can you take a sick week or even a couple of days from work to sleep and relax , even catch up on laundry a bit while children at school ?

She can’t tell him till she’s gone. Not everyone accepts things are over. Some guys won’t let you leave. Won’t sleep elsewhere. Will insist on being in charge. It’s much safer to go while he’s out or away with work and that’s when he finds out. He can rage to an empty house.

Hey @Ginge88 , I just came to say you are good enough, better than good enough really.

You're obviously an extremely competent person, OP, it's just that you're starved of support. If only you had a proper champion girlfriend IRL to back you up. But we're here for you.

I'm an idiot and for some reason have volunteered for extra things at work
That's because you are trying to escape your home life so you volunteer for anything and everything. Unfortunately, as you are realising, this is not the answer.

Tomorrow go in and unvolunteer yourself. If it's outside work hours then say something has cropped up with your parents and you need to keep yourself free. Or say the kids haven't adjusted to being back at school yet and you need to be there for them. Say whatever you need to do to get out of these extra things.

You ARE a good enough mum, you ARE a good enough employee, and you ARE good enough for a big unmumsnetty hug from us all 🤗

Aww @Ginge88 that really sucks. Chin up chick, you have got this, you're not a shit mum you're just at the end of your tether. Things will get better. Once you get shot of the dead weight of a useless husband, life will be better. We've all got your back. Big big hugs, you're worth 50 of him, you're a decent human who's stretched a bit thin right now. Things will improve.

I've been quietly watching this thread since the beginning but haven't commented yet.

I don't know where you are in the world @Ginge88 but I hope I speak for many of us here who have been where you are right now when I say that if we could all give you that hug, do the laundry for you, tell work to wind their fucking necks in and launch your H from a trebuchet into a moat we would.

Darkest hour is before dawn and all that. I've been there, the next bit is going to be quite shit for a while. Less shit than what's happening now though. Baby steps through the poo my friend, we're all here for you.