To find this H comment annoying

hey ginge, i know it's been a couple months since your last update, how are you and the kids? i hope you've escaped <3 xxx

Yes consider grey rock and evident boredom to be “winning.” Put on headphones or imagine you have and just zone out. When he asks you for comment or agreement just smile vaguely and say “oh, no, I don’t think so.” Or “certainly, if you say so.” But both with the same level of indifference as though your toddler has shown you a pebble and insisted its a diamond.

You would be wise to grey rock rather than respond. He wants a response to react to. Even if the children are not there, I’d bite my tongue because you will never win an argument and he will use anything you say against you.

Blimey. How do you restrain yourself from laughing hysterically / responding with the above list of what you do / both?

Try not to rise to it when he baits you. That’s what he feeds on. He will deliberately provoke to get a reaction, then say you are the one who creates discord and arguments, or that you are crazy.

Hang in there till you don’t have to. You are doing great.

He’s so horrible - remind me are you married/is the house in both your names?

I’m worried your little one is not so much loving his dad as trying to appease his dad. All little kids want their parents to love them, since he’s being a dick with them they are probably going to try to be extra nice to him in the hope he will be nice to them back. That is bloody heartbreaking.

btw it won’t end up with him having the kids and you alone as he can’t be bothered with them can he? He can’t even be arsed to read them a bedtime story and give them a cuddle.

I actually laughed at that. What a clown. Not laughing at you or your situation op, I am actually angry for you having to put up with him he really does sound nasty.

He must spend a lot of time watching videos. Shame he couldn’t read a book or something more healthy.

I want to say that there are so many men out there who are not like this. It is not normal. You do not have to put up with someone being horrible to you for the rest of your life.

Oh if ever there was a situation that calls for a Mumsnet head tilt and tinkly laugh

"You've cracked it love, no wonder we're so miserable, you're completely failing to bring all of the things I biologically crave to the table! You're so right. I'll get in touch with a divorce lawyer tomorrow and begin my search for a real provider. Thank you for helping me see the light."

Is that image of you in a bedsit because you've been ostracised by a happy little family unit, or out of a need for a break, some relief, some sense of control over your own life?
When I left my husband, I was really focused on having a safe space that I was in charge of. It took me five years to get up the strength to leave. I didn't have much at all, not even a tea towel or a set of cutlery. I had to learn how to build furniture, plumb a washing machine in. Furnished an entire house from ebay. Still have the same £70 second hand washing machine many years later. It gets Proper Angry at the spin cycle stage and proper goes for it, I have to push it back under the worktop once a week after a spirited attempt to dance across the kitchen floor. Feel pretty affectionate about the thing at this point.

Anyway. I can guess there's lots going on in your head, but keep talking to us.

By the way, as an aside, what does he think feminism has to answer for? It's because of feminism that women in the UK were able to open bank accounts without a husband signatory from 1975. It was legal for husbands to rape their wives until the 90s. What has feminism done? Suffragettes got the right for working men to vote. The right for women to vote came second.

It's unbelievable in this day and age that men can still think like that never mind voice it. Crazy.

He sounds laughable Ginge.

Hope your escape plans are going well x

Just read through all your posts OP. You must get help and get out. The sooner the better for you and your boys. I am keep you in my thoughts.

@Goldcushions2 it can be shocking how different some people can behave when behind closed doors, with people they assume will stay unconditionally. Nothing surprises me any more.

Absolutely this.
If I could go back in time and give one piece of advice to my 19 year old self, who deep down knew that things weren’t really right with the man who said he loved me, it would be to keep a diary. A record of all those moments that I was belittled, accused, and made to feel unsafe. Mine never physically laid a finger on me but I went through absolute hell. Even now at 43 years old, 9 years free of him and now in a very loving relationship with an absolutely wonderful man, I still struggle with the question, was it actually that bad? I know it was but these abusers have a way of altering your mind to invoke a highented sense of self doubt and unnecessary guilt. Plus society is still very young in accepting that emotional abuse and coercive control are serious matters. It’s only the younger generations that are often truly accepting this treatment isnt ok so gaining support from others isn’t alway as easy as it would be if you had physical bruises in your body. It’s so hard to gain the validation you will crave once you are out and free from his grasp, and having it written down or recorded- clear memories of what happened will be a lifeline to your trauma processing, healing and recovery. Its easy to forget the smaller incidents, but I know they happened, and I know that each time my happiness was chipped away, but I’m still trying to work out where it went as I honestly can’t remember a lot of the trauma so I constantly doubt myself.
You will be ok, your children will be ok, and you can make it out there on your own free from any of this hate ever again. Be brave OP, it honestly will be tough but so so very worth it. xxx

@Ginge88 we had the family home and the nesting home and we rotated in and out.

Recordings and photos/videos are a good thing to have. I have multiple, photos of myself with a black eye, a video of the kitchen totally smashed up, a 3 min video of him ranting and smashing things and throwing things at me while I record him silently from the corner of the room. Ironically at the time I did it, it wasn’t for “proof” - my thinking was if I showed it to him after he calmed down he would see how insane his behaviour was and would get help.

Those videos have been invaluable - he knows I have them and could go to the police at any time which would be the end of his career as a lawyer, and even if I didn’t do that, if I showed people it would destroy his image as mild mannered lawyer. They also helped strengthen my resolve when the going was tough and reminded me why I was leaving.

Yes I do absolutely everything. He won’t even buy the kids clothes to have at his house. I have to pack a bag every time they go.

Thats why you need Women's aid for real advice and even legal advice how best to do it.

Perhaps the police should be told that you have left an abusive situation if he reports you missing.

Remember the more people you tell the better.

He is abusing you and now the children, so you had to leave.

Pre Covid my friend was on a primary school WhatsApp and one night a vile voice message was posted by one of the mothers of her being verbally abused and her children crying.
My friends friend sent it on to her own account quickly after listening to it and it was deleted a short time later. It was really awful.
They were stunned as he was such a pleasant affable man🙄. It was sent to the head teacher and SS were involved and the police, as there was a threat made towards her and the children.
He left the family home immediately on advice.
It turned out she had been horribly abused verbally and bullied for years.
Accidentally posting on the class WhatsApp was a huge blessing as it blew everything open.
His name was absolute mud, right into his job.
She divorced him eventually.

If you can record him it would be very helpful. Especially around the children.

But you need advice and support.
You can do this.

Excellent advice from Endoftheroad12345. I'm going to add;

Keep your gadgets charged up, and make sure you have a working phone. Program in all the important phone numbers.
Photograph or scan all important documents and keep a back up.
Consider getting tech support to check he isn't snooping on your gadgets or accounts.

Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

@Endoftheroad12345 wow thank goodness you left. Sounds dreadful.

Some advice that I would have found helpful @Ginge88

• make sure you have some funds that only you have access to. All of our funds were joint and remained so while we negotiated financial separation which meant he was still able to control me and have some visibility of what I was doing
• have someone with you when you tell him it’s over. If he’s volatile snd unstable it could be a dangerous and damaging time for you and your kids.
• Don’t let your mum minimise his behaviour. Mine was the same “oh marriage is hard! you never know what goes on behind closed doors! Men get stressed” … She minimised exH’s behaviour to me to avoid accountability for her own marriage.
• Get therapy (individual therapy). I found it really valuable to talk to someone without judgement and have my experience validated
• Do not go to couples counselling. He’s abusive and will use your vulnerabilities against you.
• change your phone passwords, pin codes, safeguard private information, secure the kids passports. My exH went through every handbag, drawer etc looking for evidence of an affair. Bc clearly I wouldn’t just up and leave him for being an abusive prick. I’ll never forget him sitting down on the deck with my copy of Lundy Bancroft “Why does he do that?” (which you should read) that he’d found after rifling through my bedside table. So creepy.

hi @Ginge88 I’ve not read the full thread, but i’ve read all your posts. My exH was very like your H - totally contemptuous of me and totally lacking in kindness and empathy. Would scream, smash things etc in front of our young children, call me names, also hit me and hurt them (grabbing DS’ arm so hard it bruised when he was 7). He earnt/earns good money as a lawyer (the irony) and so do I, but he earned more. We had been together 21 years, married for 14.

I left him in November 2022. DS was 8 and DD was 4.5. I was 41.

I was terrified of 50:50 but it became apparent he had very little interest in doing any actual parenting - he has the kids every second weekend and one afternoon a week after school. The actual split was horrendous - he drained our joint account of all of our money, I had to threaten police action to get it back. He refused to leave the house - we did a nesting arrangement initially and I had to find and furnish the property, down to pillows for his bed. After 6 months of nesting he found a girlfriend and moved permanently to the other property.

its now nearly 2 years on … I’m in NZ so can’t file for divorce until we have been separated 2 years 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 I have never regretted ended my marriage for a second. I knew it was bad but I didn’t realise how bad it was until I left. I am so glad my kids are not growing up in that environment, thinking that that way he treated me was in any way acceptable.

I am in a new relationship with a man who totally loves me and would never call me names or scare me or demean me. Life can be really happy @Ginge88 and you are still so young. It will be hard but you won’t regret leaving for a second ❤️❤️❤️