To find this H comment annoying

Wouldn’t it be the best Christmas present to your children, a new peaceful home with no angry man in it? I’d crack on and go now. All this thinking about it must be worse than actually doing it, the stress can’t be good for you.
And, if your mum’s your main person to talk to, post here over going to her: she raised you to accept this as normal (I know it was your dad’s doing, really). You need women who know what’s not ok.

Rooting for you for January then! There’s never going to be an easy time to do it tbh, although I absolutely understand how difficult it is around Christmas time with kids involved, but even in January there will be things that seem to stand in your way. Making that first jump is definitely the hardest- you’ll doubt yourself and things will feel really scary and uncertain at times, but the satisfaction and self confidence and freedom and independence that will eventually come is oh-so-worth it!

As for dealing with petty vindictive parents in these situations…. I’m not sure that’s ever really a straight forward thing, irrespective of whether you’re with them in a relationship or not. Surely if he is any type of father he will do what’s necessary for his kids sake (if only it was that simple, right!?)

If he does not, either to spite you or just through sheer thoughtless selfishness, is he really worth yours or your kids time anyway? If he can’t step up and make the effort without you coordinating it (be it in the relationship or outside of it) there is a point where you can’t continue to take responsibility for his shortcomings. Sadly your kids will eventually recognise those shortcomings too, and it’s sad and unfair and hurtful for them to have to experience that, but any dad worthy of his kids time and affection will not allow them to go through that. Only he can make that decision though. You protect your kids fiercely, but if their father isn’t willing to make them a priority too, there’s only so much tape you can stick over those cracks before things start crumbling around you all.

i guess there comes a point where in order to move forward and be the best you can be, and create the best environment for your family, you gotta free yourself of the burden and the heavy weight your husband puts on you, otherwise you’re gonna get utterly crushed in this abusive relationship. Irreparably damaged. If saving yourself isn’t enough, then save yourself for your kids sake. They need at least one wonderful parent. They need you, and they need you to be happy and safe and well.

Know this is all a bit rambley and I apologise, but hope you can see my point!! Control what you can control: keeping yourself and your kids safe. Everything else will work itself out, or it won’t, but at the end of the day as long as you and those precious babies of yours are safe, the rest is just background noise.

Best of luck. I know you can do this and I know you’ll feel so much happier when you don’t have somebody who apparently loves you tearing you down at every opportunity. Remembering what it’s like to not feel useless or less-than. Remembering what it’s like to not have somebody degrade you on the daily. It’s fkin exhilarating when you start remembering what it’s like to feel good again! I promise ya! 💗

Hi OP,

I’ve been following this thread for the longest, since it began, and I’m just reading your updates now - I wanted to let you know that the horrible pain in your chest and the anxiety you carry round in the pit of your stomach will dissipate the moment you get yourself outta there, and get settled in a new space with your kids. From experience, it’s so worth it.

I stayed for longer than I should’ve too, bit my tongue when he insulted me and intimidated me etc, and learned to stay small and quiet and got used to walking on eggshells. Awful feeling, as I’m sure you know. Leaving seemed to be a huge upheaval (worse in thought than in practice) that I put off for far too long, but I want to let you know it was the best thing I did and I feel grateful every single day for the peace I have now. Seriously. No more dreading him coming home, wondering what mood he’s in, having to worry if he’d flip, or having to listen to the venom he’d spit at me whenever I stepped out of line (which was all of the time, of course! Can’t do anything right, as you know)

As soon as I left, I felt I could breathe again. Relax. Find myself again. I physically felt like a weight had lifted. You can have peace too. You will have it - and so much more, as soon as you remove that abusive man from your life. You deserve better, and it’s out there.

Don’t feel guilty, you didnt aim for this, nor did you create this awful situation. He’s forced this onto you because he can’t treat you with respect or kindness. The worst thing you can do is carry on putting up with his behaviour.

I hope that once Christmas is over you can find the strength and the resources to do what you know you need to; you have it in you, it’s so obvious you are one tough cookie! So hold onto that, and the knowledge that life will feel infinitely better when that pain in your chest is shifted and the pain in your arse is DUMPED!!

Wishing you all the best for the happier, brighter future that is waiting right around the corner for you. It’s ready when you are! 💗😊

@Ginge88 Great. He is a dick. Enjoys being a pain. I’m glad you’re looking forward with some anticipation. The first thing I did when I went into the rented flat, was to ask the landlord to get rid of the bed and bought myself a superking. We had only had a double. This thing 6 feet wide and 6ft 3” long was my ‘f you’ to him. I could starfish in any direction lol I still have it. I’m in it right now. Different mattress. Awesome.
Can you use an eye mask to blot out the light? They’re only a couple of quid? I used to wake but not open my eyes so I didn’t get the brightness , not that it was a frequent issue for me, (No electricity for 10 years helps.) … and it was easier to drift off again. Change the bulbs for lower wattage. I’d cut the cable lol, after tripping the mains first if mine had done that

Just saw your post on the chest pain. I wish I could hug you and say it will be ok. Help in some way. I know it is awful. It just doesn’t help to dwell on it. Sing ‘always look on the bright side of life’ . Life of Brian. Sorry, that’s flippant but I do feel for you. I’m angry at him and rooting for you.

You aren’t weak. Your world is changing. It’s scary, especially as you have DC. You will vacillate. That’s why women go back to their abuser. They keep remembering the good times and while he , or she because women are like that too, is being a reasonable human, we think, it’s a blip. All marriages have them, It will be ok. The triumph of hope over experience …for a little while, till the real monster pops up again. He has shown you who he is. Believe him. No more guilt. Don’t let him wind you up, either. Don’t react.
Try to concentrate on the plan, make the arrangements, see the lawyer, and when you aren’t being proactive, be with the children and concentrate on them so you aren’t dwelling all the time on the upcoming changes and building the fear. Christmas is coming and that will occupy some of your thoughts between the arrangements to facilitate departure.
Try to see it as a new beginning , rather than just the end . New opportunities. Freedom. And stop with the guilt. You are saving yourself. You are saving your children. Teaching them what is acceptable and what isn’t, which will be a good thing for their future relationships.
You've got this.

I am thinking about you. You can do it!

Have you contacted your morgage company and told them you are in a highly abusive relationship and trying to flee?

Ask have they a protocol for this so you can take a morgage break until the house is sold.

Have you asked Women's aid about this?

You need to reach out and ask.

You can do this, you just need support.

OP where are you with practicalities? Have you talked to a solicitor about custody, money etc? You can't keep living like this.

Ooops sorry OP, I posted without seeing it is already a long thread. Best of luck with getting yourself and DC away from this man. It will be so good for them to be in a healthier atmosphere, even if the change upsetting at first xx

He’s abusive and he’s nowhere near pulling his financial and practical weight, so you don’t owe him a moment’s consideration about where he will live and how he’ll afford it. Three options really:

1. Persuade him to move out. Seems unlikely given he is abusive and useless.
2. Take financial and legal advice on buying him out the house.
3. Take advice on getting the house on the market asap.

With 2 and 3, it sounds like he would struggle to afford somewhere he could have the kids 50/50. That would be good. He can be an old fashioned McDonalds on a Sunday dad until he can get his shit together.

Can you work through all his behaviour with Refuge, and see what their advice is on potentially criminal behaviour? It might not meet the coercive control threshold but worth thinking through. Even if you wouldn’t want to report/prosecute, it might help you a) resolve to leave asap, and b) give you more leverage and put the frighteners on him, especially if his responsible job would be at risk…

I did move out with the youngest who was 4, but the other two were teens. One was working away, and the other wanted to share time with both, but his grandparents were in the house with his father, too. It was a farm. He had his dogs and rabbits and ferrets so he stayed on there, but was only 2 years from leaving them.
Ex did not see it coming ..I had told him a year before that I would leave if I could. He never thought it would happen till the day I actually left.

I did it again. 13 years on my own. Married a guy I thought was a good one. Not handsome etc but seemed kind. He was even worse x100 than my first . Narcissistic bully. Cheat, monster.
He didn’t see it coming either. No warnings. Left when he was at a meeting. Cleared the house of all my stuff , furniture etc…house was his, most contents were mine…so he came back to an almost empty, literally, house. Took an hour and a half and I went to the house I’d bought the week before. Luckily no kids. My sons from mistake #1 helped me move.

Oh my 🤣🤣🤣. That will get his attention

He tells me it's a joke.

This is the top tip in the bully’s handbook! Pretending it’s just banter, “can’t you take a joke?”.

I wouldn’t be able to stand this. Can you talk through what’s making him keep insulting you? Or, really, just tell him to find someone who meets his standards. He certainly doesn’t meet yours.

Good luck OP. Apologies if this has already been discussed but is there any chance you can take a mortgage break in the new year to give yourself some breathing time when you leave?

Fingers crossed for you that tge new year is wonderful!

You should not feel guilty. You are doing the right thing by your children. He is the guilty one. I waited for Christmas to pass too, moved out 4 th January. I’d got a flat in October but didn’t move in till January. Good luck.

You should have everything in place so you move out , or kick him out lol, straight after telling him. Staying in the same house afterwards is not a good idea. Some people do and manage but your OH is not going to just lie back and accept it. He will get angry or plead with crocodile tears, or both.
Just remember, he has shown you who he is and will always revert.
Abused women go back to their men on average 7 times before quitting for good. It’s a rollercoaster you’d really be better off avoiding.

I’m so sorry you are going through all of this and wish there was some way to help

I agree @thepariscrimefiles

There are some stories of absolutely hideous men on Mumsnet but, for me, your DH is one of the worst. You are so clearly superior to him in every way and you sound lovely but he treats you like shit. He is so utterly mediocre but behaves as though you have won some sort of prize being with him.

Do not feel guilty! He's been sucked into the 'manosphere' with his talk of the biological drive for women to find a good 'provider' to be the father of their kids when, by that definition, he is is such a 'beta' male. His delusion would be laughable if it wasn't so damaging.