To find this H comment annoying

I tried to talk to him to tell him I think we need to split and that he talks to me with no love or respect. I told him I feel his contempt every day and it's no way to live. But somehow I got nowhere. He just kept telling me I was talking rubbish

@Ginge88 OK, but ... so what? You don't need his agreement to leave him. A separation doesn't have to a mutual decision. It's perfectly OK for you simply to leave him whether he likes it or not.

I realise you'd like things to be amicable but realistically, your husband is abusive and controlling.

Stop trying to change him.
Talk to Women's aid.
You need advice on how to get away.
Help with renting elsewhere.
He abuses you and the children.
He needs reporting.
You cannot talk him around.
Get advice from those that can help.
Family, friends, Women's aid, work.

You can get away from him.
You can't change him.

Hi OP. I posted back in August.

I thought you'd spoken to Women's Aid and had been told not to try to discuss leaving with him? He doesn't need to understand. Your conversations won't go anywhere because he will always need to believe the split was your fault. This isn't going to be a mutually agreed split. You just pick a date and off you go. Write a letter for him to read when he comes home with the name of the parenting app you've downloaded then block him.

You can stop 50/50 with evidence of abuse. Your solicitor should have told you what counts as evidence, such as a diary with dates and times of his words, actions and the children's response. This is especially important if the children are distressed but also if he's screaming and swearing and they don't bat an eyelid because your solicitor can argue they're so scared of him (when in those moods) they freeze or try to placate him etc. Your solicitor can also get an expert in child psychology to comment on the impact of being around someone so mentally unstable unsupervised.

Lastly, just a reminder. No one, in the history of time, is ever abusive 100% of the time. I've read about 10% is common ... meaning many people put up with the horror as it's not daily or even every week. But the result is the same on those on the receiving end.

You can’t talk to him. Just pack and go when you can. Preferably when he isn’t there to bar your way and talk you out of it. Don’t believe him if he says he’ll change, either. Crocodile tears. Manipulation. Will ensue

And when you do leave he’ll say there was no warning, she just suddenly left. Doesn’t mean it’s true.

If you’re looking for his permission to leave, you’re not going to get it. I’m sorry. It feels awful because you’ve spent such a long time first believing it’s morally right to continue the relationship and morally wrong to give up, and second having to filter everything you do through the lens of how it will affect him and how you can avoid him getting nasty.

He is not interested in changing for you. I’m so sorry, you do deserve him to make an effort, you deserve for him to show concern for how you feel and sadness at the possibility of losing you but he won’t do that. He has not given you what you need in the relationship and he won’t give you what you need in the breakup. It’s brutal.

You've given him a heads up.

You're next step is to just leave. You don't need to explain to him or get him to accept your decision. You can end a relationship unilaterally for any reason.

All the things you are fretting about will get resolved in time and you will find it easier to sort things once you are free of him constantly abusing you.

Go the second you have the strength to do so. You won't regret it OP. You deserve to breathe.

Your actions will speak louder than your words OP. You won't get him to admit he's wrong. If you are serious about splitting up, make a plan and take action.

Why do you feel he needs to know what's going on in your head OP? Once you've decided what's going to happen, ie, if you're planning on leaving, just get yourself organised and a place to move to, pack yours and the kids things, and leave, preferably when he's not there, if at all possible. You don't even have to leave him a note if you don't want to. Let him suffer and squirm until eventually he has to admit to people that he doesn't know where you are, and that you seem to have left him and taken the children with you.

You seem to be all over the place with your thoughts, so can I suggest that you just focus on getting out of there OP? Don't worry about what will, or won't happen with your boys once you've left. What will be, will be, and you WILL deal with it, but it simply has to be better than what's happening to you, and in front of them right now. Kids really DO take on board the things happening around them you know. I can see that your youngest is 3, but can't seem to find the age of the other one. However, I CAN tell you, that I was brought up in a very similar home to the one that you describe growing up in, ie walking on eggshells, so as not to upset my Father, and from the age of 4 years old, I remember VERY clearly what was going on in the marital home, and the way my Father was treating my wonderful Mum! I remember the nightmares I had to this day, of my Father swinging my Mum against the cabinet in our dining room, and her head flying off!! This was on repeat for years, and I was obviously terrified that at some point he would break, and kill her!! Times she tried to leave him, but got talked into going back, as I've told you previously, but the fact is, we were ALL miserable, including my Father!

Do you really see Christmas Day being special, while you're still with this man? If so, I think you're kidding yourself, and the likelihood is, that it will be the straw that breaks the camel's back, and you will end up having to leave, possibly there and then. So, do yourself and your kids a favour, and stop messing around, just get out of there, NOW!!

Narcissistic defenses. He denies your view of him has any validity, gaslights you in order to make you question yourself and back away, and projects his own feelings of inadequacy onto you.

It's not up to him whether you split up and you won't be able to convince him of anything by talking because that would involve him admitting some fault. I would quietly get the ducks in a row, get legal advice and so on, but importantly get some support for yourself whether it's family/friends or therapy. Don't keep his behaviour secret, narcissists thrive on keeping you isolated.

He sounds totally self serving and your opinion doesn’t really matter to him.

Key appraisal of him, right there.

It sounds like you’re trying to negotiate with him, and that you’re expecting to be able to have an adult conversation with him, where he sees that you’re right and agrees to separate.

From the descriptions of him on thread so far, I don’t think this is realistic. He sounds totally self serving and your opinion doesn’t really matter to him. Just progress your divorce through legal avenues and keep planning your escape xx

Yeah... he's just wobbling you so you fold and give in and doubt yourself.

He doesn't want you to leave, it will make his life significantly harder in every way.

Stop talking to him about it. Just put whatever it is you need into action to get rid of him. You've made it clear you're not happy with how he behaves or the relationship as it stands.

Don't ask him anything else. Simply tell him what is happening as and when it becomes necessary/relevant.

His response is to belittle and gaslight, and continue exactly as he was. He has no interest in altering his behaviour, he doesn't love you, he simply depends upon you which probably really triggers his insecure little mind so he is vile to you as well, that makes him feel better.

[I'm sure he just thinks I'm premenstrual knackered mad woman....and poor him having to put with me!]

@Ginge88 No, he doesn't think this. He's gaslighting you by saying everything is your fault and making you doubt yourself, telling you you're "not coping". It's classic emotional abuse and he's done it because you're talking about splitting. He thinks he will keep control of you if he shakes your foundations. You can find the resolve to show him he's wrong. We are all here with you - please don't apologise. Keep posting, re-read your posts, harden that resolve.

You don’t have to apologise for posting. People are on your thread because they want to support you.

He doesn’t think you are premenstrual, knackered, and mad. He knows full well that the minute you realise how capable you are, and how you deserve better than the misery he makes your life, you will go. So he keeps belittling you, gaslighting you, so that you never reach the point where you are confident enough to leave.

The good thing is, you have all these women on this thread who can see how capable you are and we will counter all the abusive crap he spouts.

I really hope you see your way to freedom. Providing a safe home for your dc free of this man, that can be an anchor for their childhood is so important.

What an arrogant bully of a man. It's telling that he doesn't treat you like this in front of anyone but your MIL. He knows other people would disapprove of the way he speaks to you and he doesn't want to risk looking bad in front of them. It shows he can control his behaviour when it suits him.

Agree with others on documenting the abuse for future custody issues. But be careful he doesn't discover it, for your safety.

Yes, I saw a documentary, maybe the same one, where the secretly recorded footage was key to getting the abusive partne (a woman in this case) imprisoned. I think it could be a good idea as evidence gathering, but I don't think you should tell him you'll send the footage to family/friends/work when you do leave. It might endanger your safety.

I hope you can set aside the shame and guilt he's loaded you with since they aren't yours to carry but his, and I hope you can get out by Christmas or soon after.

@Ginge88
Just come across your post.

You're doing great with your plans.

Sending you lots of strength you amazing Woman.

Yes hide a nanny cam

Currently, you are there, earning most of the money, doing all the wife-work and child care and shielding him from the consequences of his actions.

Just imagine, once you leave, his inadequacies will be exposed to the world, well to family and friends at least. Look forward to that moment when the world will see what you see, a pathetic little man with no kindness or empathy. A poor breadwinner, a poor father and a shockingly awful husband.

Go. Just go as fast as you can. And while you are doing it point at him and laugh. What a craptacular person .Slow clap? Fuck me I will slow clap his ass.

I think a nanny cam would be a great idea to record him abusing you and the children.

You can then tell him you will be sending it to family and friends to explain why you left, after you have left.
Tell him you will send it to his work place.

Scum like him hate people knowing what abusive pieces of shit they are.

@Ginge88 when he does the slow hand clapping etc take notes in front of him. Note time date etc and what he did.