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Original poster

To find this H comment annoying

966 replies

Ginge88 · 06/08/2024 09:48

If I forget something or use the wrong plug or something, DH says loudly

"And the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...."

Or whatever number is in his head. Frustrating thing is I actually don't mess up things v much and it's him that needs reminders of everything

But yes if he notices says the milk is left out or something il hear him say "and Ginge succeeds in fucking up for the 455th time this week" and chuckling to himself

I've told him to stop. He tells me it's a joke. He does now do it less but he clearly thinks I'm being totally over sensitive

Am I?

OP posts:
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Original poster
Ginge88 · 04/01/2025 17:54

Thank you @mateusrose678 that's kind.

Christmas was fine. H was on best behaviour mostly. DC have loved me being at home. I've been off work for nearly 3 weeks and it struck me that DH is nice to me when I'm at home all day every day. I think a lot of his anger comes when I'm at work/seeing friends.

Anyway who gives a shit about why his anger is there. I'm done trying to work him out. And the plan is still on.

I look forward to posting when it's done.

OP posts:
mateusrose678 · 03/01/2025 08:48

Happy new year Ginge88, I have been thinking of you and wish you strength and luck over the next few weeks and love and happiness forever. It may be scary but small steps can keep you moving forward towards a peaceful life for you and your children.

DearDenimEagle · 14/12/2024 15:40

Your parents relationship normalised a lot of wrong situations, as did mine. I’m surprised she doesn’t see that now. But perhaps her view of needing a man around, even a bad one, was created by her own upbringing in some way.

DearDenimEagle · 14/12/2024 15:37

There are worse things than being alone and being with an abusive , cruel H is one of them. Walking on eggshells all the time is painful.
I , too, waited till Christmas was past for the children. I organised a flat in November but told landlord I would be moving in in January. We always went to friends for the New Year and stayed a few days. We got home on 3rd Jan and I left on 4th.

The relief was phenomenal.

Goldcushions2 · 14/12/2024 14:30

Tell your mother you ended up with a nasty abusive prick like your father because she stayed.

YOU want a different future for your children so you are leaving.

The greatest gift you can give a child is a clam, peaceful, loving home.
It really doesn't require two parents to provide this.

thepariscrimefiles · 14/12/2024 14:11

Ginge88 · 14/12/2024 14:00

100% @pikkumyy77

my dad's anger was the most important thing in the house when i grew up. and now the same goes for my husband. i said this to my mum only last week and she agreed. but then she talked about fear and loneliness. she said 'if you do leave H, you may regret it, but - I hope to god you meet someone else'.

Being single in your 40s is a failure, a shame in her view. And she isn't totally stuck on H, but she will be miserable to see me alone, whereas I feel a sense of real freedom and excitement at the thought.

Once you have split up from your DH, in spite of any practical/financial difficulties you may face, you will feel lighter and unburdened and the horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach will disappear. You will stop second guessing things that you do or say for fear of his reaction.

You sound very strong and capable and I wish you all the luck in the world with your new life without him.

pikkumyy77 · 14/12/2024 14:05

Our mothers project a lot onto us. Just shake it off—I mean I had to shake it off—and remember her choices were constrained in a way mine aren’t.

Original poster
Ginge88 · 14/12/2024 14:00

100% @pikkumyy77

my dad's anger was the most important thing in the house when i grew up. and now the same goes for my husband. i said this to my mum only last week and she agreed. but then she talked about fear and loneliness. she said 'if you do leave H, you may regret it, but - I hope to god you meet someone else'.

Being single in your 40s is a failure, a shame in her view. And she isn't totally stuck on H, but she will be miserable to see me alone, whereas I feel a sense of real freedom and excitement at the thought.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 14/12/2024 13:41

I hate that passive aggressive whine from men. Men are always allowed to be angry! All of society, family, and the world cater to their big baby feelings. Its women who have to watch what they say and do for fear of a beating or worse.

Original poster
Ginge88 · 14/12/2024 13:29

she likes him because i've been with some really dodgy men in the past & he compares favourably on paper to past boyfriends.

i realised H says the exact same phrase my dad used to say when i was a kid - "am i not allowed to be angry?" - always said in response to my mum asking my dad to stop sulking/shouting. and now my husband says exactly the same "I am allowed to be angry, I'm allowed to upset" etc.

she will support me @thepariscrimefiles but i don't think she will agree. she will always be v sad about it and i find that difficult.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 14/12/2024 11:29

Ginge88 · 14/12/2024 10:39

No, I don't think so @Fannyfiggs . She is loyal to me and i know she loves me really. But she really doesn't think single mums could ever be happy & that "men are men" - he works full time, he doesn't drink or cheat, and she thinks i'm being rather emotional/OTT in deciding i need to leave.

Does she actually like him or does she just not understand how desperately unhappy he makes you?

Previous generations often thought that the only reasons for leaving a marriage were infidelity or domestic violence, and sometimes not even then.

Hopefully she will still support you, even though she disagrees with your decision.

alrightluv · 14/12/2024 11:10

@Ginge88 when I was leaving dh1 my mum wasn't very supportive. She stayed with my violent dad. I remember screaming at her I was so frustrated.

I get on well with exdh. Our problems were different. We'll always be close like siblings. Even present dh gets on well with him.

I'm glad you're doing ok. It was this time of year when I told dh. December 29th. It's not easy.

Original poster
Ginge88 · 14/12/2024 10:39

No, I don't think so @Fannyfiggs . She is loyal to me and i know she loves me really. But she really doesn't think single mums could ever be happy & that "men are men" - he works full time, he doesn't drink or cheat, and she thinks i'm being rather emotional/OTT in deciding i need to leave.

OP posts:
Fannyfiggs · 14/12/2024 10:30

Is there a chance your mother would 'have a word' with your H behind your back and tip him off about you leaving?

Original poster
Ginge88 · 14/12/2024 10:27

Thank you!! I'm ok. Still here. In manic christmas bit of nativities, dance shows, christmas discos at school - all that stuff. Spoken to my mum and told her i'm leaving in January - she keeps messaging about how sad she is and how awful it is making her feel, and then last night messaged about how great my sister's marriage is and how sad she is about me - and then suggesting she talks to H on my behalf to get him to be "less grumpy". I haven't replied but i definitely won't be letting her do that. We will be with family over chritmas and then I'll leave in Jan.

OP posts:
DearDenimEagle · 12/12/2024 23:54

Thinking about you, OP.

littlesnatchabook · 12/12/2024 20:36

How are things OP?

pikkumyy77 · 03/12/2024 22:39

Thinking of you!

KTSl1964 · 03/12/2024 18:18

Op _ what an absolutely horrible man. Flowers 💐 🌹 🌸 for you. Keep your head clear - he's addling your brain - xxx

Goldcushions2 · 30/11/2024 13:24

Have you contacted the morgage company and ask for advice re the mortgage as you are trying to flee an abusive coercive relationship?

He is financially abusing you?
Email the morgage company and ask Women's aid for advice.

Request a morgage holiday until the house is sold as you are fleeing abuse.

You have to ask the right questions.

They should have a protocol for such situations.

Flittingaboutagain · 30/11/2024 13:02

What does your solicitor say about going to court to get him out and force the sale?

Original poster
Ginge88 · 30/11/2024 11:14

After telling I want to split mid week, he came home last night all normal. Then after I'd put the kids to bed he lay on the sofa and said "time for make up sex".

So gross. I said no.

My solicitor told me I should try to stay in the house unless physical risk in terms of negotiating. But I've found a little airbnb that is hard to find but still driveable to school and I'm going to go there with the kids. I want to buy him out. Or sell. I don't care really. There are advantages to both. I just can't get caught in a situation where I'm paying rent on a place and paying the mortgage long term while he lives in the family home alone. He doesmt pay his way so he won't once I leave. I will be solely responsible for our mortgage until we have got this sorted.

I'm not wobbling. I'm just trying to make sure I don't bankrupt myself while he lives in our home with everything paid for months and months. I've heard of women trapped in mortgage traps.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 29/11/2024 13:30

Its not a negotiation and you don’t eed his consent or understanding. Its not s court of law and he is not the judge you need to convince.

Think of your marriage as a body that is very, very sick. You and the dc are the head, hans, heart, lungs and everything else. He is a cancerous spot that will swallow you whole snd destroy you if you can’t find the right medicine. Everything uou have done:talking to him, placating him, flattering him, reasoning with him were all attempts to cure this cancer. But they havd failed—they were not the right medicine for it. Or it was too far advanced. Now you and your doctors realize that you need excision—the dangerous spot needs to be removed. You don’t talk to it or gain its consent. It just needs to be cut out so you can survive.

Lovethat · 29/11/2024 11:32

You are not a weak woman, but he has trained you to react in a certain way at home by his constant belittling.

Remember, because he won't want you to remember, you have your own voice and you can leave for whatever reason you want to, you don't even have to have a reason, he doesn't have to agree with it either.

DearDenimEagle · 29/11/2024 09:42

ItGhoul · 29/11/2024 09:08

I tried to talk to him to tell him I think we need to split and that he talks to me with no love or respect. I told him I feel his contempt every day and it's no way to live. But somehow I got nowhere. He just kept telling me I was talking rubbish

@Ginge88 OK, but ... so what? You don't need his agreement to leave him. A separation doesn't have to a mutual decision. It's perfectly OK for you simply to leave him whether he likes it or not.

I realise you'd like things to be amicable but realistically, your husband is abusive and controlling.

It’s important NOT to try to discuss with him. She should be grey rock now until she packs and goes.

These guys can turn nasty if they think they are losing control. Moreover, he will try to stop her, one way or another.

Women’s Aid must have told her this.

she needs to focus on packing and leaving. Not on what to say to him.
Focus on getting out. Before he knows she’s gone.
Focus on staying out.