To find this H comment annoying

Children can often be good judges of character when very young. I said, after getting out, I’d run any new guy past the grandson and the dog. Both hated exH . Joking of course..I’ll never take on another guy

Who own the house ? Who pays the mortgage?

As already suggested, speak to your mortgage lender. They are probably more understanding than you think , they will want to help. A mortgage holiday until the house is sold is a good idea.

OP- if your mum stayed loyal to your dad who treated her badly, that was her choice and it obviously affected you. Your mum didn’t leave and decided to stay. She decided to stay even though it was bad for her and her children.Again her choice .

But you don’t have to stay. You have the choice. There’s a generation of women out there of a certain age who out of loyalty stay with abusive men. Because it was perceived that there was shame in leaving a marriage.

But it’s 2025. Times have thankfully changed.

In the trash with this one. He hates himself and is projecting it onto you, that’s a little narc right there. Especially accusing you of starting conflict when you set boundaries or try to stop the abuse (because it IS abuse). Blame shifting is its official name, please read up so you know what you’re dealing with.

And to vary it, ask him if he can list the actual 365 ways you've messed up - and keep on asking!

Never let a man talk to you that way. Call it out every single time, if he doesn’t stop…leave. If your partner isn’t improving your life and building your self esteem, and instead doing this every day, hell to the no. Not the one.

@Ginge88 how awful youngest isn't happy around him.

@Ginge88 have you logged everything?

From how you have described him, 50:50 will either only be used as a threat and never amount to anything or will be short lived.
He can ask for 50:50 but at that point of negotiations you can explain why you aren't happy with that and what you could prefer. Can you record what happens when he is putting the kids to bed (kids crying and asking for you). It may help and be used to support your request for alternate custody arrangements.

You get recordings of the times he’s alone with the children. A judge will talk to the children, too and take their wishes into account. My ex lost custody of his kids totally simply on what the children told the judge. He hasn’t seen his children since they were 8 and 9 and they refuse to see him.

Agree it’s not always best for a child to be in a safe home 50% of the time if the ex is abusive the other 50% of the time. Your H sounds scary an abusive and I can understand why you stay to protect your kids. Log everything. Consider secretly recording your challenging him on restraining DS.

hi @Ginge88

I was in a very similar position to you before I split with exH in November 2022. I think i’ve posted on here before. My kids were then aged 4 & 8.

I was terrified of 50:50 and that fear is only now starting to abate. ExH has my kids EoW and officially half the holidays. In reality it’s EoW and frequently not at all during holidays - he will pay for his share of school holiday programmes and I book, drop off, pick up etc etc to make it super easy for them to stay with me. I’m in NZ where it’s currently summer holidays - ex has kids physically for 5 days of the 7 week holiday.

I’ve achieved this through a combination of factors:

• I have photos and videos of ex’s domestic abuse (screaming abuse, smashing things etc) that I would no hesitate to use in a custody battle and he knows it. I have also logged his abuse with met/the kids GP and the police. It’s low level abuse (generally - in 2015 he hit me and gave me a black eye - the family courts seem remarkably forgiving of such things!! but handy to have everything independently recorded if necessary)
• ex is extremely tight with money. He does not want to spend $$$$ on legal fees and he would need to do that to get a 50:50 court order
• I make life easy for him. He never pays for a babysitter - I have the kids. He pays me bare minimum child support - $1500 a month for both kids. This doesn’t cover the wrap around childcare costs I need (I work full time in an exec level job, he also works full time and is a workaholic). It would be more expensive for him to have the kids 50:50.
• I provide the kids with love, stability, fun - I mortgaged myself to the eyeballs to buy out the family home when he wouldn’t, their cats are here, we have a fun happy life the 3 of us. I have a boyfriend but he doesn’t live with us and won’t for a few years. They do not want to live with him and are almost of the age where their wishes will be taken into account.

I think most angry abusive arsehole Hs don’t actually want 50:50 but use the threat of it as leverage. Does your H have family support to enable him to follow through? I was exactly like you - I would have been terrified to leave my kids with him for any length of time when they were too little to communicate with me. ExH would routinely refuse to allow the kids to call me when he had them until I got them their own phone. I have an amazing nanny who has been with us for years who lives with me during the week. I have no family support - thankfully I have a great job and earn good money but it’s still been tight. If I can do it so can you ❤️❤️❤️

What do you mean by retrains him?

I understand the fear of leaving your kids with someone you know can be angry and lose their temper - and the thought of not being there to defend them when they need you. I guess you’ll have to rely on your children to tell you if he’s done something bad and then you’d have to go down the legal route of supervised contact and not allowing them to stay over. I’m not sure what the burden of proof would be.

How would you deal with your 3 year old if they were constantly getting out of bed and getting upset and it got to midnight then the early hours and you had work the next day, and they still wouldn’t settle or get into bed bc they were hyper or had decided they didn’t want to do it? There isn’t an ulterior motive to the question, I’m just interested to hear other parents strategies.

This.
And your children see you don’t stay to be abused and demeaned. If he starts , once you’ve left, you just cut him off and walk away. My guess is he will try to be the guy you thought he was when you dated him. Begging forgiveness. He didn’t mean it. He will change, if you only come back. He can’t live without you. It was only because he loves you and blah blah blah. Then there’ll be digs and some anger if you don’t fall at his feet when he sends flowers, wants to meet for coffee to talk, or some such.

There will be more to enjoy about being out. The ‘dealing with’ should be reduced considerably with time and don’t engage more than you have to.
You can get a co parenting app for communications re children I understand. Then you can block him everywhere else. Don’t open the door if he drops by unannounced. Do the children pick ups and drop offs in a public place. So he can’t start attacking you with words. The public persona is important to men like him.

Your mother should come round if she sees you lighter in mood and smiling more. Tell her, times have changed. There’s more wrong with staying miserable with an abuser than being happy without him.

Don't focus on the thought of him as an ex you have to see all the time!

Focus on the thought of being able to shut the door, turn off your phone, ignore emails and only speak to him when it is absolutely necessary regarding the kids, and the rest of the time you get to do your thing without him undermining, belittling and being vile to you!

You're right OP, you WILL regret it if you don't do it now. Many of us know how hard it is to break up a family, BUT many of us have also found relief, and a MUCH happier life, once we've overcome the initial fears and made the break. You can do this, and we're all here to support you, so go for it, you WON'T regret it!

I’ve read all your posts, OP, but admit I haven’t read many of the others as it’s late - but I just wanted to say, even if someone else has already mentioned it, that it seems pretty obvious to me that your husband feels emasculated by you and your higher earning job, hence the reason he tries to belittle you and knock your confidence down, and why you say he treats you better when you’re at home and haven’t been at work for a while. The fact he’s dismissing your ‘feminist’ views leads me to think that he’s not just reading up on but is likely in contact with and discussing a lot of misogynistic views with other weak and women-hating men online, perhaps while playing his hours of video games etc. How do you know he isn’t watching Andrew Tate or someone similar - he seems a prime candidate to be an incel if he was single.

He’s a weak man who you say is easily intimidated - and he is with a strong and independent woman - he needs you but he knows you don’t need him - which kills him and makes him hate you and try his hardest to make you doubt yourself as he is projecting his own feelings of inadequacy onto you.

Also the fact your young son said something like daddy get a little bit angry bc he’s the boss at home - came straight out of his fathers mouth. It’s obvious he has said this to your sons to explain and justify his actions - minimising his awful behaviour while asserting his dominance in the household. He’s effectively brainwashing them and teaching them to view you as just a silly woman who gets things wrong and to whom they should have no respect. He’s probably terrified of the day they realise who is actually running the show - and it ain’t him.

When I read your OP I originally thought this is a highly insecure man who is saying this shit out loud to try to make himself (and you!) believe it. You out earn him and seem To cope better than him at family life and perhaps life in general. He knows this but is trying to convince himself that you need him and are useless - this is why YOU NEED/ SHOULD ASK HUSBAND FIRST - or whatever guff he came out with. He’s pathetic, he doesn’t deserve any of your empathy at this stage and reading your whole thread it seems he’s backed himself into a corner as it seems he wants you and probably feels that he loves you but feels overwhelmingly inadequate which makes him angry and he is terrified that this is how you see him and will realise you can do better and go. So like you said earlier regarding your youngest - his misguided strategy of trying to assert himself and diminish you so you stay with him is pushing you further and further out the door! It’s sad but he needs to do some drastic work on himself.

I really hope
you can resolve this in the best way for you and your boys 💐

Perceived Control v lack of control

Anyway, all the best for 2025. Onwards and upwards. Be ready for the wailing and gnashing of teeth. Begging. Future faking.

A better future awaits. 🩷

So looking forward to reading that you are out. Stay safe.

Glad you had a good Christmas and even better your plan is still on.

Remember we're here if you're having a wobble or just need a wee bit of extra support ❤️

Fab @Ginge88 - well done & good luck for the future!