To find this H comment annoying

Your husband may ring the police claiming that you have kidnapped the kids. Phone your local station and give them a heads up as to what’s been going on and just let them know that you and the children are safe. It would be an idea to get in contact with a domestic violence support service to get some support and advice if you want to look for a protection or safety order.

This would make me murderous with annoyance.

Just found your thread today and read all your updates. I want to send you lots of strength for this weekend. I wish you all the best xx

I didn’t tell mine I was going or that I wasn’t coming back. I just left. My clothes and furniture being gone was enough of a clue and I heard about his demented rage from our tenant in the annexe.

I've gone back and read the whole thread and caught up.

When you had sex with him, I'd put that down to him trying to use whatever tools he may have left in his arsenal - so badgering, coercion and nagging are what he's found that works.

You haven't done anything wrong but it wasn't consensual because he had to nag you until you said yes.

In the meantime, what I would do is gather up a few toys/blankets/duvet covers/pillow cases that your kids like and put them in a bag and leave them with your mother.
I do not think that your mother should speak to your husband, under any circumstances. While she might be feeling bad for you, she stayed with her husband and you're planning on getting your freedom from yours. I don't think she is 100% behind you because she is already comparing your marriage to the one your sister has and yet you and your sister and her husband and your husband are all completely separate people and have very different experiences.

I would go for a walk if you can at lunchtime one day soon and make sure that the walk goes past your local police station. Nip in for a quick chat and when you get home if he asks where you were, just say you bumped into an old school friend and you lost track of time. He no longer gets to know where you are and what you are doing.

Take things that you want to have around you (but not him)!

You can do this and I don't think you have to keep telling him you're gone. You can tell his relatives if you want (once you've left and why you've left) and you can tell your friends that you're no longer together and I'd leave him a note to say that you've gone but stop with having conversations about planning to leave.

Just leave or find a way to get him to leave so that you don't have to.

I’m still thinking about this. I’m so glad you have got an escape plan btw and that your children won’t see you being abused any more
but
don't think of him as a man . Honestly. He is a monster.
He was a monster in disguise when you married him.

He will practice his coercive control to make you make promises if you engage in face to face or even telephone conversation. He has a lot of tricks to play because you are a kind , good human being and you will want to believe at least some of what he says, emotes. It’s going to be an act. He will say and promise anything he can think of to keep you in his control . Give an inch, he will take a mile and be worse than ever, because you need to be punished for leaving.

Please don’t face him alone. These guys do not do reasonable

Good luck Ginge. I'm sure he's going to throw every guilt trip in the book at you. There will be tough moments, but at least every one of them will be getting you a step closer to the life you deserve. You're going to live with self respect and dignity.

He is a petty and vindictive man so she is scared of his reaction and what he might do, particularly where the children are concerned.

Why on earth would you think that this is a massive wind up? Posters who have been through similar situations with their ex-partners have been giving OP advice and support which OP has taken on board.

Don’t drive back to tell him on your own. People are right. I’d text him rather than even talk over the phone but don’t go to the house on your own.
Leaving is the most dangerous part of any relationship with an abuser. He might physically react, or try to stop you leaving again.

Please please don’t do this. If he isn’t nasty, he will pretend to cry and beg you to stay and talk it out…he might do both in turn, but he is not likely to be calm and accepting.
At least you can hang up the phone..and do rather than get into a drawn out conversation or explanation. He already knows the why. You just need to text or say.’ I’m not coming back . My lawyer will be in touch and we will sort out the details in court. ‘

Agree!

@Ginge88 I agree that you should ring him to tell him it’s over. At the very least, have your local friend right outside in the car and make sure he knows she is right outside waiting for you and listening out.

Please don’t post on the thread of a woman suffering abuse if you have no understanding of or empathy for abuse.

I don't think you owe him a face to face.
It's not in your best interests.
Stop trying to be decent.

He's a rapist.
For your own safety I think calling him from your parents and telling him that its over.
That he raped you last weekend and that you are prepared to go to the police and report him for Coercive rape.

I can tell you that a bullying little piece of scum like him will wet himself at the thought of the police.

Get ANYTHING sentimental connected with the children out of the house.

Men like him will burn pictures or anything sentimental to hurt you.
Take anything that is irreplaceable.

Bring extra clothes too for you and the children.
Extra shoes, spare coat, favourite teddies etc.
Favourite toys.

The most powerful thing you have is the truth.
Scum like him hate the truth being known.

Keep mentioning the rape and the police.
I promise you that will terrify him.

You have truth on your side.
Please call Rape Crisis services for advice on how to handle this.

He's a very bad man.
Keep reminding yourself of that.

It has been his rape of you that ended this finally for you.

You can do this.

Why not just tell him over the phone from your parents' house? Much safer. Think of your own safety first. The children can live with literally any consequence of you leaving him long and short term except the loss of their mum.

Good luck Op!

@Ginge88 - you wrote "I think the reason i tolerate the 'jokes' and also try to keep everything 'light' around the house - and not getting angry - is because of the boys. i don't want them to grow up in a house of conflict."

So instead of conflict, these impressionable young boys are growing up in a house where they see their father belittle their mother and have no respect for her and they'll repeat the cycle with any partner they may end up with.

I know the above comment from @Ginge88 was written back in August '24 but I think it's worth highlighting in case it helps another woman see what is and what is most definitely not acceptable to have kids growing up around.

I'll go back and read more of the thread from that point but I seriously hope there is good news and that you've left him @Ginge88 and that a weight has lifted from your shoulders. If not, you really do have to leave him and the sooner the better for you and for your impressionable young boys.

Ahh you were writing as I typed!

OP is there can be someone who can be with you when tell him, or at least in the car waiting for you in case he gets nasty? Just to give you an easier out.
Have you got any relevant paperwork out of the house, take it with you to your parents if you haven't. Kids passports, house deeds, anything particularly precious that he might trash in a tantrum.
Good luck.

Good for you OP! Wishing you the strength, and courage to do what you know needs doing! Remember - we're all here for you.

Agree. I would be wary.
The very worst of abusers are usually house terrorists and street angels.

She isn't a friend, a friend would believe you. Its probably safest to stop confiding in her. When you split, she could end up being a flying monkey.