To find this H comment annoying

You're right Denim - that is a better plan!

Telling him not to return will have him racing back.. They have a habit of doing the opposite of what is asked. Mine proudly announced he was a contrarian 🤣 but for example..if I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday, I had to pretend it was important to celebrate. If I said, ignore my b’day, he’d organise a huge surprise dinner with guests. That’s just a simple example.

Ignore and go to mother. Let him find you gone if he returns. Don’t contact him. Tell police you’re scared, because hes abusive. That gives you breathing space till you can get the lawyer to move on him

Im beginning to remember things I’d tried to forget.

Please please please... don't be alone with him, if someone else can be there before he returns, do that.

And message him and ask him NOT to come back. If it means saying 'yep, you're right, I don't love you, I don't even LIKE you, don't come back'... do that. But please tell him not to return.

Actually, I want to correct myself. When I said , he thinks you need him. He doesn’t. He knows you don’t need him. He knows you are strong.

But he has spent years trying to convince you that you are weak without him so your self esteem drops to where he will always have you to control and abuse, because that’s how he makes himself feel superior…he knows inside himself that he is inferior but cannot admit it.
I can hear my ex saying what he said. So he is hoping he convinced you , you need him and will fall apart without him.

He will be angry when it doesn’t work. Above all they fear being alone.
I still say:
Don’t be alone with him.

Yes agreed. And he was projecting his own self on to Ginge. Playing the victim, too. He is dangerous, which is why I think most of us said, don’t go back after dropping the children off.

Im beginning to think OP should just go to her mother's till the police are aware , lawyer starts legal separation and he knows it’s over especially if she can’t legally exclude him from the marital home. Because when he sees she is not being manipulated into begging him back, he will go into a rage and she does not want to be there or anywhere near.

He’s getting desperate and is trying to break you.

I agree with the poster who said to flag the situation with the police, then get to your mum’s with the kids. Given he has left, don’t even need to tell him immediately? Just don’t be there when he returns. He can wait for a letter from your solicitor.

I think you need to tell him to leave as things are not going to change. He sounds quite manipulative.

You really have to ask yourself how much longer you want this to go on for as it sounds like he is making you very unhappy, and you deserve better.

I feel this is a great chance to do as suggested. Tell him not to come back. See the lawyer as soon as. Pack up the rest of his stuff and put it by the door or if you have a shed or outbuilding , in there.

I’m sure it was an act. He’s probably expecting you to beg him to come home, be cravenly sorry and begging him…after all, he thinks you need him, doesn’t he? And it was for the kids…look how bad mum treats me.
I don’t know the legality of not letting him back but you should play your abused wife card if you can. See a lawyer asap

He will be back. Continue with your plans to leave. Despite his leaving this is, in fact, an escalation.

My God, what a wholly manipulative piece of work he truly is. I agree with others who say be careful because he will definitely be back.

My advice (for whatever it's worth) is for you to contact your local police station and report exactly what he did, in front of the children, that he packed a bag and you feel unsafe in your home. He's currently not physically violent (apart from wanting sex when you don't) towards you but that could change very quickly.
You would really appreciate it if someone could stop by and talk you through what your options are at this stage. You can't go to the station because one of your kids is unwell so if there is any way way that they could help you it would be great.

That's what I'd do.

Does anyone know what the situation is if OP wants to stay in her house that she pays for, and have the horrible H leave? I seem to recall she is the main earner and can cope just fine financially and practically without him as she is already the default everything. He’s verbally abusive OP and infront of the children, so doesn’t that give you some leverage to say he can’t come back and needs to stay elsewhere?

Have I missed why OP needs to leave the house? Surely he kids are better off there. Will he refuse to go? Even tho he has.

I agree with the others. Tell him now.

Tell him it’s over. I would do it right now as he has stormed off. Make the most of the opportunity

He's a narcissist, the hero of his own story. He stays up gaming until 3.00 am and then gets a full 8 hours' sleep but is still so tired, while you have been up all night with the children, but he is the hard-done to victim of your cruelty and neglect. He has no genuine paternal feelings for his own children, who he just uses as pawns in the game of humiliating you.

If he wasn't so dangerous, this would be laughable. It would be amazing if he has actually left you for good but unfortunately, I'm sure he will be back when he thinks that you have suffered enough and will now see the error of your ways.

I think you need to carry on with your plans to go to your mother's. It is unfortunate that she isn't more supportive and sympathetic, but hopefully she will be OK with you staying.

I agree with this!

I can’t help feeling This is Your Chance… right now! Text him now while he’s “left” - not to come back, it’s over etc. You won’t tolerate any more drama in front of the children, tell him he’actually right, he is unloved, you’re checked out and won’t be changing your mind. Then grey rock. Did he say where he was going? Disclaimer: I’ve no idea if this is good advice just gut reaction and willing you on.

If you tell him face to face will you get drawn into a conversation or negotiation and have to start justifying yourself? Will he wear you down, insult or ridicule you some more? Or turn it into a massive drama?
Also something else I’ve wondered is if your ideal outcome is that you keep the house eventually are you worried about how to get him out and how that would be impacted by you essentially leaving? I don’t know how to deal with this but I’m betting other posters on the thread will do.
Also Ginge please come back and talk even if you have a wobble/can’t go through with it or something throws things off course. It may take more than one try and that’s ok.

Bears repeating. I strongly suggest NO FACE TO FACE interactions at this point. Just be like the dolphins fleeing earth before the big destruction in Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy.

So long and thanks for all the fish!

Hard agree with everyone saying don't go back for a face to face. He doesn't deserve it and you don't owe him anything at all. I also wouldn't say anything to him about reporting his coercive r*pe to the police. If you did decide you wanted to report him for this, he doesn't need forewarning. If you don't want to report him, then you don't have to. Hold on to the fact that your choices will be your own from here on out.

You have your plan in place. Have you added informing the police that you're leaving a DV situation? Your safety is paramount. I will be thinking of you this weekend, Ginge, and I know I'm not the only one. You can do this.

PS what I meant to say... He may well turn to physical violence to stop you...

Or a last chance... I've nothing to lose so therefore I'll do x... (inserr dangerous act here...)

I worked in DV for a good while.

Yes definitely do this...

Women are always more at risk when they are changing the status quo.

The man then knows they are 'losing' and up the ante.

It's a well known factor in DV.

Please be safe and leave him!

Warm wishes to you from storm lashed Cornwall!

Yes definitely let the local police know you have had to flee domestic abuse.

He may threaten to self harm.
Call the police and report him.

You can do this.