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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want a relationship with Mum’s exP

60 replies

FreshStart2025 · 06/08/2024 08:46

My Mum left my Dad when I was 12 and moved to another city with her new partner. They married but divorced after 15 years or so and she is now remarried. I always got on well with the new partner and he was like a father figure to me in some ways. Now as an adult, we keep in touch and meet occasionally (like once per year). My Mum thinks I’m totally unreasonable to do this and I shouldn’t be seeing her ex’s.

YABU - You shouldn’t have a relationship with your Mum’s ex

YANBU - It’s ok to have a relationship with someone in your life for many years.

In my opinion, he is a good man. She left him if it makes any difference!

OP posts:
Original poster
FreshStart2025 · 06/08/2024 21:52

PermanentlyFullLaundryBasket · 06/08/2024 21:15

So she abandoned you with your dad, then brought another man into your life, then left him and now has another man, who she presumably thinks you should like. I know who i think is being unreasonable here, and it isn't you.

This sums it up.

OP posts:
Gogogo12345 · 06/08/2024 21:17

PermanentlyFullLaundryBasket · 06/08/2024 21:15

So she abandoned you with your dad, then brought another man into your life, then left him and now has another man, who she presumably thinks you should like. I know who i think is being unreasonable here, and it isn't you.

Abandoned her? Where do you get that from?

PermanentlyFullLaundryBasket · 06/08/2024 21:15

So she abandoned you with your dad, then brought another man into your life, then left him and now has another man, who she presumably thinks you should like. I know who i think is being unreasonable here, and it isn't you.

Coconutter24 · 06/08/2024 20:54

FreshStart2025 · 06/08/2024 10:21

I’m not sure how you’ve taken it but I meant just a father-daughter type relationship!

Show quote history

I will admit from the title before I opened the thread this is what I thought you were meaning… then I actually read the thread!

YANBU your mum is. She brought this man into your life for 15 years, I’m guessing she wanted you to have a relationship while she was with him. It’s very unfair of her to want you to end a relationship of that length (presumably there’s no good reason to end it like he’s a danger etc?).

mindutopia · 06/08/2024 20:35

I still keep in touch with my dad’s ex from when I was a teenager. They were together for probably 10 years. She is a lovely lady and I actually liked her more than my dad (she made him just about tolerable!).

My dad died when I was 18 and I have been NC with my mum for several years. So this ex- partner is literally the closest thing to a parental figure who remembers me growing up. It’s actually really nice. We maybe only message a few times a year (we live on opposite sides of the world now), but I’ve very glad we re-connected.

greenwoodentablelegs · 06/08/2024 20:12

@FreshStart2025 mate, I wouldn’t worry too much about what your mum thinks. She made her bed !

do what makes you happy. She’s only thought about herself

NorthernSpirit · 06/08/2024 20:09

Gosh - I have just read that you lived with your dad when your mum you & your siblings to go and live with another man.

You are extremely forgiving.

Your mum is selfish and only cares about her own feelings. You are an adult and she gets no say.

VividQuoter · 06/08/2024 20:07

do what you want. She will only nag, what else

NorthernSpirit · 06/08/2024 20:04

Your mum is being incredibly selfish.

She has made this all about her - rather than what’s best for you.

When your mum left your dad and moved to another city with her new partner - did she at all think this might not be the best thing as it would be difficult for you to see your dad?

When she divorced husband number 2 after 15 years - did she consider your feelings at all? The man who was like a father figure to you. Are you expected to just turn your feelings off & ignore him?

My SC’s mum has done her best to stop the kids having a relationship with their dad or me as they aren’t together any more. It’s so sad - it’s not about her, it’s about what’s best for the kids.

Gogogo12345 · 06/08/2024 19:57

penguinonmybag · 06/08/2024 09:25

It's a bit icky. You've said yourself he's a father figure.....

What is icky about it. I'm in regular touch with my ex stepdad as is my brother. It's youngest brother who has a more difficult relationship with him and it's his biological father.

However my mum wasn't bothered about this. She. met him when I was 8 ( although I didn't live with her) and they divorced when I was about 40 .

Original poster
FreshStart2025 · 06/08/2024 19:42

Thanks for the responses. I am made to feel like I’m being totally unreasonable but I have a good (father-daughter!) relationship with him so don’t see why I should sacrifice that. Obviously I don’t want to upset my Mum either so it’s tricky.

OP posts:
Original poster
FreshStart2025 · 06/08/2024 19:39

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 06/08/2024 08:55

He was in your life longer than your actual dad, did you still see him?

Of course you'll have a relationship with him.

Actually I lived with my Dad. When I say she left my Dad, that included me and my siblings also.

OP posts:
BloodyAdultDC · 06/08/2024 11:00

My mum hated the fact I had a relationship with my actual dad, 30 years after they divorced!

YANBU op - you have a positive, standalone adult relationship with him, you should be able to choose if you want to keep that.

Starlight1979 · 06/08/2024 10:41

I think that's lovely! I still have a brilliant relationship with the woman my Dad left my mum for (almost 30 years ago now). My mum never minded as long as I was treated well when I went to stay with them (which I was) and my Dad has long since died but she was in my life since I was a teenager so she's been like a mum-type figure to me alongside my actual mum!

GreyCarpet · 06/08/2024 10:25

FreshStart2025 · 06/08/2024 10:21

I’m not sure how you’ve taken it but I meant just a father-daughter type relationship!

Show quote history

Most of us understood this.

I think someone has issues. And I don't mean you 😉

Edited: x post!

penguinonmybag · 06/08/2024 10:24

FreshStart2025 · 06/08/2024 10:21

I’m not sure how you’ve taken it but I meant just a father-daughter type relationship!

Show quote history

Oh I'm.so sorry, I read it as a boyfriend girlfriend relationship! I'm an idiot.of course YANBU.

Goldcushions2 · 06/08/2024 10:24

Your mum is very selfish.
Absolutely none of her business whom you are in contact.
God knows she gave you little consideration over the years.
Consider therapy if you have boundary issues with her.
Look after yourself, you certainly haven't had it easy.

Original poster
FreshStart2025 · 06/08/2024 10:21

penguinonmybag · 06/08/2024 09:25

It's a bit icky. You've said yourself he's a father figure.....

I’m not sure how you’ve taken it but I meant just a father-daughter type relationship!

OP posts:
SmileLady · 06/08/2024 10:09

I know lots of people who have stayed mates with the ex partners brother/sister/etc
I have one friend who stayed with her mums ex husband when they seperated and he recently walked her down the aisle. Families come in all different shapes and sizes.

GreyCarpet · 06/08/2024 10:05

I can't see what's icky about meeting up with a stepdad or why him being described as a father figure is problematic either.

The former is what happens when a bond and a relationship develops; the latter is an accurate description of the role he played in her life.

Solocup · 06/08/2024 09:59

Your mum sounds very selfish.

Solocup · 06/08/2024 09:58

penguinonmybag · 06/08/2024 09:25

It's a bit icky. You've said yourself he's a father figure.....

What’s ‘icky’?

Rosemarysprinkle · 06/08/2024 09:34

penguinonmybag · 06/08/2024 09:25

It's a bit icky. You've said yourself he's a father figure.....

What is icky about meeting up with a “step dad figure” once a year? Where did OP say she was meeting up weekly to sleep with him?

Rosemarysprinkle · 06/08/2024 09:33

Krumblina · 06/08/2024 08:48

I do similar and my mum hates it. I think she's being petty.

She is 100% being petty.

If you introduce your child to a new partner and then they become a step dad figure in your child’s life, it seems cruel to then be miffed if your child then wants to maintain a relationship even if you split.

I understand if exP had only been in mums life for 6 months, but to be a father figure for years seems harsh to then expect child to cut them off.

JohnofWessex · 06/08/2024 09:28

penguinonmybag · 06/08/2024 09:25

It's a bit icky. You've said yourself he's a father figure.....

Its not that sort of a relationship, its an annual meeting

It seems reasonable to me

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