17 years old dd is refusing to come with us on holiday

I was going to suggest considering taking a friend. It would be company for DD, someone she could perhaps go out for short trips with and, perhaps DD would not want to risk getting told off in front of the friend so she would toe the line!
OTOH, I think you could say that, if she dislikes France so much, she definitely doesn’t get the trip to Paris!

You don't trust her but at 17 she needs to learn to look after herself, I would leave her at home.

Some of the posters clearly don't have an obstreperous teenager. It's all very well saying you'd force them to go but what does that look like in reality?
If it were me I'd leave her. If she can't look after herself now, she'll have to figure it out fast. If you've got a nice neighbour, give them a key and ask them to pop in intermittently.

Leave her at home and harass her about the fridge and everything else you’re worried about via notes and phone calls.
She’s obviously really panicked about the France idea. She would be in a state of high alert the whole time, needing to sit in her room, you constantly worried that she’s not happy. This is my daughter (slightly older) - me wanting to relax with the relatives but feeling I also need to keep a depressed young person entertained. It’s too difficult.
It will do her the world of good to know you’re going without her and she needs to look after herself, she might even then want to come to France next time.

Why are YOU begging and pleading with HER? And wanting to give in? Surely it should be the other way round, you TELL her she's going and then she begs and pleads? If you're so much of a push over you're asking your 17 yr old rather than telling her of your expectations that might the reason she's got to a point of only thinking of herself. It sounds easy enough to get her own way. Why should she think of anyone else?

And not only do I still have a great relationship with my mum, I now LOVE going on holiday with her 😂

If she isn't confident in french, this is a chance to improve. Surely she speaks passable french - it sounds like a weak excuse. Pretty sad that she wants to skip seeing her grandparents. I'd try that tack as pp said, have her ring them to explain.

In the nicest possible way @Joanfromnextdoor you have to ask yourself why she is unable to look after herself at 17. Maybe she is able to and you don't see it? I moved out when I was 17 precisely because my mum pissed me off trying to make me comply with what she thought I should do.

Maybe it is time to let go and let her make her own mistakes? Don't leave too much in the fridge, and if she doesn't close the door and it all goes off, she has to learn to deal with it.

For a regular holiday I wouldn't make her go at 17.

However, to visit her grandparents, who she presumably sees infrequently, I would give her a hard time about not going. I pull my children up on this kind of thing and explain to them how their grandparents look forward to seeing them and that they are happy to accept gifts from them etc.

17 was the age both of mine stopped coming with us. Admittedly, they didn't leave it to the last minute to tell us. For both, it was a leap of trust a bit. But they had grown out of wanting to go on holiday with their family. Other than leaving the fridge open and not tidying up (which I'd take as to be expected) in what other ways is she not mature enough for this? How close is she to 18?

We had this, with DS, when he was a similar age. We eventually dragged/cajoled him along and he ruined the entire week for everyone, sulking and refusing to leave the holiday house. I wish we'd left him behind.

I think you should have a proper heart to heart with DD, say you will leave her at home but set out some clear ground rules around what she can do, looking after the house, no visitors, fire safety etc etc. Treat it as a test of her maturity. See if you can get a neighbour to check up on her, pop in a couple of times, or report back if these are any issues. Phone her twice a day. Maybe see if she can spend some of the week staying with a friend to break up the time alone.

You never know, she might rise to the occasion. Or she might have a last-minute attack of FOMO and come with you after all.

Has she got a boyfriend she wants a free house with?

Glad it's not just me, starting to feel like I was a very odd 17 year old

All my friends went on family holidays at that age - it was just never something that was presented as any kind of option!

We wouldn’t stay with fil. His house isn’t very big or nice and it wouldn’t be a holiday. My dd is 16 and also dual. We are in France now but not from the region dh comes from. We go there next week. Even if things were more ideal and mil was still alive, I still don’t think we’d stay with him.

This year dd has brought a friend. We’ve done this because dd has anorexia and life would have been hell without the extra person to smooth things over and help dd to relax enough to eat. Is that an option? Your dd would likely enjoy it so much more and may even be willing to translate for her friend even if her French isn’t that great. If you choose the friend wisely, maybe she / he would be good company for everyone.

wow- cancel tickets and sell reading? there are some bullying parents on here that’s disgusting bribery/control

I don't understand the begging, she previously agreed to go on the holiday so tough luck she needs to go! If you really cannot make her then she needs to make arrangements to stay somewhere else whilst you are away and pay you back for her proportion of the holiday!

The Paris trip would definitely be cancelled

I wondered that myself. Maybe just to stir shit up? hopefully not because they are inherently fascistic.

What's wrong with a teen being a bit bored for a few days?

I was in my own house and married at 17.

Leave her behind, she'll just be miserable otherwise and you can't manhandle her into the car. Sell her tickets though.

Easy to say leave her but at 17 - parties???

Leave her home, cancel the trip to Paris in December- she can’t have it both ways.
get a friend to check up on her during your week. She will be fine.

There’s a third option - she stays with someone else in the UK. Another family member (DHs family?) or friends. Can that be sorted quickly but be clear as far as you are concerned, her staying home alone isn’t an option and her cancelling the whole family holiday is not an option.

next year no bribe, shes not allowed alone in the house, she arranges to be elsewhere or joins you.

Just say that's fine she can stay home. There will be food in the fridge and no money left for extras/days out. She is expected to keep the house clean and do her own washing etc.

oh and the Paris trip is cancelled and reading tickets sold. You got her them as a bribe for her to visit her grandparents on the family holiday and she forfeited the deal.

Same. My mother wouldn't have been fretting about it either.

I was 17 when I stopped going on holiday with my parents, it’s a reasonable age imo. Is it not better for her to stay home than come on the holiday and potentially ruin it for everybody else with her mood?

In a few years she will be desperate to come on holiday with you again!