17 years old dd is refusing to come with us on holiday

I can't think why you're even having this battle. She'll be a pain if you make her go so good luck with that one.
Give her a list of house rules and let her get on with it. The world won't end if she leaves the fridge open and is untidy. She might even grow up a tiny bit.

Maybe all the people saying you should make her go possibly haven't had the joy of a holiday ruined by a surly, uncooperative teen.

You really can’t just tell a 17 year old what to do. Parenting at this age is about negotiation. No wonder so many teens rebel. She is old enough to drive, to have sex, to leave home. If she wants to stay then let her.

She's 17, an age where many are away at uni or working, she is far too old to be dragged on holiday with her parents! Unless she has some learning or cognitive issues, I think you are blowing your worries out of proportion. She wants the house to herself, she's 17, leave her alone. Let her be. You'll probably find that she'll pleasantly surprise you with how she copes.
This is the problem I find with the UK, they moddycoddle children so they are never left alone until they are well into adults. They never get the chance to grow, because they are never given that chance. Let her be. You can't force her. Give her that chance, she'll pleasantly surprise you, you'll see.

Whilst this is true, we don't all become fluent in the language of everywhere we go on holiday! I wouldn't lay all the blame at the OP's door like that.

Ooh, yes! A relative to supervise her! Tell her she comes or Boring Tedious Relative will be coming to supervise her 24/7 if she stays home.

I think you give her a simple choice.

Come or stay. If she wants to stay and you don’t trust her to look after it, ask her to find a friend or relative to stay with.

You really can’t make a 17 year old go and everyone would have a miserable holiday.

This.

She won’t go for one week? She’s selfish and sounds spoilt. Don’t lose your temper with her, but calmly explain it’s only 7 days; her grandparents want to see her (and how would she feel if she had grandchildren in the future and they didn’t want to be arsed to see her? It’s cruel and nasty); no-one honestly gives a shit if she can speak French or not; she is upsetting her sister and ruining a family trip when next year she’ll have the option to come or not.

Tell her that you bought the Reading tickets on the understanding she’d make the effort for this, and likewise the Paris trip.

Leave her at home on the condition she will look after the house and that she can be a grown up, if the house is trashed when you get back, don’t give her the reading ticket to teach her some responsibility

Jesus. I was left at home all day when I was 10 with a psychotic 8 year old and a 4 year old to stop the 8 year old from killing look after. I had to provide breakfast, lunch and supper whilst my mother was out at work for 13 hours. Why can't a 17 year old cope on their own?!

That's a tad too democratic! Sometimes the parents need to be in charge!

What a lot of nonsense! They're her grandparents and probably looking forward to seeing her. She's complaining about her level of French? A week in France is ideal to help with that.

I used to wish I had a French granny! Why can't a visit to family and a holiday be one and the same thing?!

Considering she’ll legally be an adult next year I wouldn’t think twice about leaving her home. If I felt she was being particularly ungrateful I’d probably warn her that you’ll do a basic shop with no treats but that’ll be all you are planning to provide.

It seems ambiguous to me. OP wrote "We went at Christmas last year for the first time in at least 10 years", which could mean "We went last year for the first time in 10 years, and it happened to be at Christmas", or "We went at Christmas last year, which was the first time we'd been at Christmas in at least 10 years". The first of those seems more likely, except that maybe DD's behaviour spoiling Christmas specifically was extra memorable. Only @Joanfromnextdoor can tell us, I think.

No I think it was the first time in 10 years they had gone for Christmas, but other than 2 years for covid, they go every summer.

She should come to your parents but be free to come back home after.

I can't understand how you wouldn't leave a 17yo alone at home for a few days. Mature or not she will be an adult in a few months, she can't be supervised at all time. If she leaves the fridge open then be it, she will remember to close it next time.

I didn't go to Zante with my 14yo brother and my parents years ago when I was 17. I stayed to work my part time job. My neighbour kept an eye on me.

Could you do that?

I went on holiday abroad with friends of the same age at 17, if she can't look after herself for a week something has gone horribly wrong.
I'm all for leaving her tbh and telling her grandparents she's not there because she's rude and selfish. Don't fill the fridge, she either cleans after herself or will pay for a cleaner (birthday money or allowance will do if she doesn't have a job -feels unlikely) and of course there will be no Reading and no Paris trip

My youngest at that age didn't want to go on holiday with us. He's now 23 and any time we are going away, always wants to come ( us paying)😂.
So I doubt it will be your last family holiday.
Leave her at home and enjoy your holiday without a mardy 17yr old.

It wouldn't even be a discussion. Disagree that she’s “essentially an adult” if she cant be trusted to shut a fridge door. No offence to her but she’s not ready.

I had stopped going on family holidays at that age. I was left at home with our neighbour looking in on me everyday.

I'd leave her at home.

I have relatives in France and they just fucking love picking holes in anyone's French.

I stopped talking to them in French (most speak some level of English) after they corrected literally every word I said.

Don't know if that's a French thing of my relatives were just horrible but we didn't go back for over a decade it was such a shit visit.

No, don’t let her stay home alone. It’s her grandparents, not just a holiday. Don’t engage in discussions. She’s coming, end of!

When I was 17 we lived about an hour’s drive from my widowed grandmothers. We visited each of them at least once a month on a Sunday. My younger brother and I took a book to read or we would play a board game but also chat to our grandma.

My DC grew up with frequent visits to their paternal grandmother, were they bored, yes sometimes but they understood that she lived alone with poor health and looked forward to the visits.

It doesn’t do teenagers any harm to be bored sometimes or to realise that is kind to think of other people’s needs as well as your own.

I think it's a very difficult situation. At thst age, going on thst sort of holiday with family would have been my idea of hell. But I can also understand how you feel about leaving her at home on her own - I could never have trusted my daughter at that age. Does she have a friend/boyfriend she could stay with for the week?