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Original poster

17 years old dd is refusing to come with us on holiday

593 replies

Joanfromnextdoor · 05/08/2024 20:05

Name change here as I don’t want to be recognised with my other threads.

We are due to travel to France this weekend and stay for a week. We are going to see my parents for the weekend (they are french) and go for a few days in Normandy. Dd is now refusing to go, saying she hates it there, she is not confident at all with her french (my fault). We went at Christmas last year for the first time in at least 10 years and she said she hated it, felt depressed there.

I think Covid didn’t help at all as we didn’t go to France for 2 years and she has a massive blockage about going.

I have pleaded with her..and she reluctantly said yes she was coming but then changed her mind again. I got her a ticket to Reading to see her favourite artist, I booked for the 2 of us to go to Paris in December as she really wanted to go to find a compromise with her.

I can’t leave her because she is not matured enough, I don’t trust her, she would be the kind to not close the fridge properly, leave rubbish everywhere, she refuses to do anything pretty much.

We have no family that could help us.

We have a 20 years old daughter who really wants to go, we can’t cancel the holiday.

AIBU to lose my shit with her ?? What would you do ?

OP posts:
FeelingUnsure99 · 05/08/2024 21:30

SoreAndTired1 · 05/08/2024 21:26

She's 17! Not 7. Basically kids are away at college or in full time work at that age! She is far too old to be dragged along with parents. Of course she gets a choice!

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What kids are "away at college" at 17?

Ducksurprise · 05/08/2024 21:29

In future OP post in teenagers.

You won't get as many responses from people who don't have teens. What you think as a parent to a toddler and the reality of having a teen is as you know, worlds apart.

At 17 she should be capable (if NT) of staying alone. What exactly is it you are worried about- leaving fridge open and rubbish isn't enough - look at what are your concerns.

MyUmberSeal · 05/08/2024 21:29

She’s plenty old enough to be left at home on her own. Do yourself a favour and leave her be.

RheaRend · 05/08/2024 21:28

SpanThatWorld · 05/08/2024 20:16

And how do you force a 17 year old to leave the country when you say "End of argument" and they say "No."

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Tell them if they are responsible for the cancellation then they are responsible for paying for that....no phone, no birthday money etc until the cost is covered. Actions have consequences.

FeelingUnsure99 · 05/08/2024 21:28

I can fully understand your feelings, op.

PinkiOcelot · 05/08/2024 21:28

Iloveacurry · 05/08/2024 20:24

Sell her ticket to Reading. Cancel the trip to Paris.

This! No way would I be doing any of that for her!

FeelingUnsure99 · 05/08/2024 21:27

A real shame that she doesn't have the emotional maturity to see that it means a lot to you and her grandparents. It's one week! She'll regret not going when she's older.

SoreAndTired1 · 05/08/2024 21:26

LaMadameCholet · 05/08/2024 21:25

This. She’s not old enough to get a choice.

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She's 17! Not 7. Basically kids are away at college or in full time work at that age! She is far too old to be dragged along with parents. Of course she gets a choice!

LBFseBrom · 05/08/2024 21:26

missmollygreen · 05/08/2024 20:08

Sounds like a week on her own might do her some good.

You are making to many excuses for her.

I think so too. I wouldn't have wanted to go away with my parents at 17 though I know, in this case, circumstances are different because you will be seeing family and her older sister is happy to go.

You cannot legally force her, she is over sixteen and can leave home if she wants. Just make it clear to her that she has to pick up her rubbish, close the fridge and make sure the house is secure at night.

She'll be fine but she might be nervous in the house alone, overnight. That would worry me more.

Runnerinthenight · 05/08/2024 21:25

ultraviolet4753 · 05/08/2024 20:35

I was in my own house and married at 17.

Leave her behind, she'll just be miserable otherwise and you can't manhandle her into the car. Sell her tickets though.

Well you were way, way too young!

lolit · 05/08/2024 21:25

You really need to just leave her at home, because the only way for her to learn to be independent and take care of herself is by doing it. The things you named are very minor tbh - leaving the fridge door open is something she will learn to not do once she tastes a yogurt that's been in an open fridge for hours or something!

Gogogo12345 · 05/08/2024 21:25

TiroirSousLeMiroir · 05/08/2024 21:18

Whilst this is true, we don't all become fluent in the language of everywhere we go on holiday! I wouldn't lay all the blame at the OP's door like that.

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My SIL speaks Portuguese as her native language. She's always spoken with the kids in Portuguese and my brother always spoke in English. They grew up bilingual. The OP is French so surely if she's spoken to her DD is French for 17 years she should be fluent

LaMadameCholet · 05/08/2024 21:25

sunsetsandboardwalks · 05/08/2024 20:14

Why are you begging and pleading with a 17 year old?

She does what she's told. End of discussion. When she's 18 she can choose whether she comes on holiday.

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This. She’s not old enough to get a choice.

Mainoo72 · 05/08/2024 21:25

She sounds spoilt and unpleasant. My 17 year old wouldn’t dare mess us around like that. Is her behaviour an issue generally?

saveforthat · 05/08/2024 21:25

She is 17, not 7. Leave the fridge open, really? It sounds like a week coping on her own would do her good.

samarrange · 05/08/2024 21:24

TiroirSousLeMiroir · 05/08/2024 21:20

It's the second one, because she then said that the pandemic meant they couldn't go at all for two years.
It was the first Christmas in 10 years they had spent there.

To be fair a Christmas without Slade would be difficult ;-)

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🎶 Alors le voici, c'est Noël, tout le monde s'amuse un max 🎵

Runnerinthenight · 05/08/2024 21:23

PeloMom · 05/08/2024 20:30

I stayed home from 14 yr old when my parent visited the grandparents as I was bored out of my mind when I visited. She’ll be fine.

There's no way I'd have left a child of mine at home alone at 14.

Didn't you have any connection to your grandparents?

SoreAndTired1 · 05/08/2024 21:21

Joanfromnextdoor · 05/08/2024 20:22

@Sunshineandpool yes she wants to be left alone

Then leave her! Have some respect for her wishes. She's not a child. She's basically an adult. Give her that respect, good will and trust and freedom. She won't grow and learn if you don't let her. As I said, I think you'll be surprised.

Gogogo12345 · 05/08/2024 21:21

MrsSunshine2b · 05/08/2024 20:45

I'd expect a 17 yo to manage home alone (I moved out at that age) but as she's shown herself to be incapable of that, she has to go with you. Presumably you're the one paying for food/bills/privileges- if you tell her you're taking the wifi router with you and leaving the fridge empty, she won't have much choice.

Has she shown herself to be incapable though? Seems like she's never been left to prove she can cope.

Rainbow1901 · 05/08/2024 21:21

If she won't do this seemingly last family holiday then do nothing for her. But don't let her spoil your enjoyment of seeing your parents.

Cancel the treats. Stop doing her laundry and everything else that makes her life pleasant. If you pay for her phone put her on notice that she pays the contract when it runs out. Certainly don't shop for her before you go - if you leave her behind. Life is going to be a whole lot harder so get used to it.

She needs a bit of tough love - if the milk goes off - too bad! It's her problem. Stop being so desperate for her to come away with you and resorting to bribery to appease her. She won't do Normandy but will do Paris! I don't think so!

LizzieBennett73 · 05/08/2024 21:20

We left our eldest at home from about 16/17 onwards - she didn't want to come and she would just have made everyone else's holiday a misery! She was allowed a very trusted friend to stay, I left food and a small amount of cash and I warned the neighbours each side/gave them our mobile numbers in case of problems.

Funny thing is that she really missed us each time! And now she's an adult, she expects to bring her own family on our holidays Grin

museumum · 05/08/2024 21:20

I wont force my ds to come on holiday with us at 17 - he can stay home if I can trust him at home otherwise he can go elsewhere.
But - this isn’t just a holiday it’s a family visit. I’d be gutted if he refused to see his grandparents on either side at that age.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 05/08/2024 21:20

Could she just visit the GPs for the weekend with you all and then head home while you and your dd enjoy the rest of the holiday?

TiroirSousLeMiroir · 05/08/2024 21:20

samarrange · 05/08/2024 21:03

It seems ambiguous to me. OP wrote "We went at Christmas last year for the first time in at least 10 years", which could mean "We went last year for the first time in 10 years, and it happened to be at Christmas", or "We went at Christmas last year, which was the first time we'd been at Christmas in at least 10 years". The first of those seems more likely, except that maybe DD's behaviour spoiling Christmas specifically was extra memorable. Only @Joanfromnextdoor can tell us, I think.

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It's the second one, because she then said that the pandemic meant they couldn't go at all for two years.
It was the first Christmas in 10 years they had spent there.

To be fair a Christmas without Slade would be difficult ;-)

livlaffluv · 05/08/2024 21:19

At 17 I stayed at home once when my parents went on holiday, I also went away with friends. It’s concerning if a seventeen-year-old can’t live independently for a few days.

You can’t really force her to go but tbh I would find it a bit upsetting that she has no interest in seeing her grandparents. I would understand more if seeing them wasn’t a part of it.