17 years old dd is refusing to come with us on holiday

Has she been going to school and been reasonably happy there? Is she ill or manipulative? Hopefully if she is ill your GP can help.

How do you force a 17yo to do something they don't want to? I stayed home alone at that age while my parents went on holidays. Depending on when her birthday is she could be off to uni in a few weeks.

Good lord, leave her home. She will realise she is missingvoit when youre gone. Or she will love being alone. You have a peacefuk holiday without your ungrateful child in tow. Winner winner.

I'd probably sell her reading ticket (if it was bought as a bribe) and tell her you will be going to Paris with someone else. She needs to learn You can't have it all your own way.

And stop spoiling her. Little wonder she has no respect.

You shouldn't have been.

If you are out at restaurants etc, would you expect her to order in French when you are all listening? Just an example. We are a bilingual family and that age my dd had a massive blockage doing things like that. Just a small thing like to order food or drinks.. When she was young we went to see relatives (not in France) and some commented on her accent. But they themselves of course only spoke English and only saw her flaws. Not that her accent was a sign of bravery. Which it is.

I recommend you and your daughter read this book by Joe Griffin it will make sense. She needs to get out of her bedroom and leave her phone alone. She is harming herself. The way we all communicate today is crazy we are relying on social media to entertain us and communicate on. She can get better if you help her to get a life.
https://www.humangivens.com/publications/how-to-lift-depression-fast/

Yes she definitely won’t manage a festival if she’s feeling that bad. I hope you have some joy at the gp, op.

It's not a French thing ime.

I cannot get my head around this attitude, either. They aren’t just a pair of random geriatrics, they are her grandparents!

Yes, poor girl. She'll have to miss Reading and everything else she's got planned for the summer.

'Elderly relatives'????? Her own grandparents??

And if she is depressed she should not be left on her own.

It sounds like she needs to join some clubs of some sort at home when you get back to help her branch out a bit.

But presumably in your case the grandparents and grandchildren speak the same language, which makes having a relationship a lot easier. And more meaningful.

She is constantly in her bedroom, on her phone, sleeping late.. she could do that on holiday but with a change of scenery

OMG no!!! If she’s really as anxious and depressed as you’re making out, staying in her bedroom and sleeping in and being on her phone are probably the cause - and if they’re not they’ll be making it worse!! Getting out of the house to do real things with real people who love her in the real world is what she needs, not more phone and more isolation and more misery! Sheesh.

We do this sort of foreign seeing the grandparrents thing and it can be very boring for the teens.

What we do is look locally for something to actually SEE and DO so that it's not just about being in the middle of nowhere.

So if you're going to Normandy, why don't you try and make it to Veules-Les-Rose which is a beautiful town by the sea and have mussles and fries and try and go swimming. The normandy coast is STUNNING compared to the UK coast. So wild and free.

Or go to Rouen or somewhere else in Normandy so she gets a sense of excitement to see something else other than just the olds.

We've found that being a tourist in the 'family' place helps a lot. It breaks up the boredom and monotony. Even if it's a museum or something. Or a market. Just something to feel like you saw something other than family, got completely stuffed and only saw 4 walls before shunting back in a plane.

Stick a camera in the house and call her up when she's messy or leaves the fridge door open.

I went on holiday with friends at the age of 17, it’s perfectly reasonable to give a 17 year old some freedom.

Having said that, in this instance, I’d be really disappointed to have raised a child who wasn’t bothered about seeing their grandparents. Extended family are important in our family and if my kids weren’t bothered about maintaining a relationship with theirs, I’d feel like I’d gone wrong somewhere. It’s a week ffs, not a month - surely she can suck it up for a week? If she were my child, I’d be telling her to let her grandparents know she didn’t want to visit them and selling her Reading ticket. You can’t pick and choose when you want to be an adult.

@viques you're right about the grocery delivery and the fridge - a few cans of baked beans and a loaf of bread should do it.

I think I can convince her to come but not seeing my family and just stay the 4 of us.

I really don't think she sounds well enough for even that, OP. Best to cut your losses and let just your husband go, or cancel the trip altogether. You daughter's mental health is now more important than a trip. Please prioritise wisely.

At 17yo she’s old enough she’s holding you all hostage, she’s old enough to understand you don’t trust her not to leave the fridge door open or take the trash out, she’s old enough to understand her grandparents may want to see her, she’s old enough to k ow she’s behaving like a spoilt brat (trip to Paris is ok but being with boring grandparents in Normandy isn’t?? Give over)

Youre pandering to her. Tell her if she can’t have the smallest regard for other people, you won’t have the smallest regard for her. No Reading, no Paris, no freedom until she’s proven she can be trusted to be responsible with that freedom. If she wants to act like a grown up, those are the rules in the outside grown up world. Period.

Is she well enough to go to Reading? It doesn’t sound like it tbh.

Your house your rules, until she leaves home, she is duty bound to visit her grand parents (extenuating circumstances aside) - is the Reading ticket and Paris trip a bribe to get her to go, if so you are being too soft with her

Fair enough. And to be fair, I would never have questioned my parents on anything like this! So just trying to see all sides.

There’s no legal age limit for leaving a child (i.e. under 18) alone. But it’s considered neglect if it puts them at risk. It’s more if something terrible happened, e.g, if they were harmed in a fire as a result going to bed and leaving the hob on. But, it’s unlikely a parent would be prosecuted for leaving a 17 year old unless their disabilities etc meant they’d be at risk. And the way to be sure is by having a neighbour or nearby friend to keep an eye.