17 years old dd is refusing to come with us on holiday

At 16 or 17 I'd do this. You can't actually make her fo if she decides to hold her ground. She doesn't want to go so natural consequences she has to look after herself for a week. She'll survive, maybe she'll struggle and learn to be appreciative of her family, maybe she'll surprise you how well she do. Either way she's 17, she's nearly an adult, it's time she grows up.

At 17 I organised my move to the other side of the country completely on my own to start university. My DP couldn't afford to come, it wasn't an issue, I organised it all and went on my own.

@Thinkbiglittleone did you need to quote the OP? Did we all need to read it again?

Maybe it’s changed now, but in Scotland you could go to university at 17

Absolutely this!! She's spoilt and wants it all her own way so will get nothing more. My son is the same so I understand exactly how stressful this is OP. I would stress to her how important it is to make time with family _ if she's insistent on not travelling with you, then she rings her grandparents & explains why she's not coming. Actions have consequences.

But I don't understand why a (presumably NT) 17 year old can't fend for themselves for a week.

Normally I would agree with you @sanityisamyth, but the OP posted the below in her last post and, as a parent who has had a DD suffering from depression and anxiety, I would not want to be in another country for a week while she was on her own.

I have just had a chat with her and she told me about how her social anxiety is bad, she has no confidence, self-esteem and is very depressed. She is really unhappy. I can’t leave her on her own feeling like that

@Runnerinthenight I know I shouldn't. I'm still suffering the effects of it 30 years on. But I don't understand why a (presumably NT) 17 year old can't fend for themselves for a week.

When you are in France, do people comment on her accent or her language skill in general? It can be very exposing speaking another language especially when the expectation is high and you are being compared with native language speakers. Any comment even a kind one or a positive one draws attention to your less than perfection. As a teenager that can be very hard. If the comments are jokey that will be even worse. Could this be behind the issue. It might feel like a minor detail to you, but it could be a huge issue for your DD.

OP, you sound very caring. Taking her to the doctors is a good plan.

One test though might be ‘if you are too poorly to come on this trip with your family I will have to cancel Reading for now, we can look at going next year’

@CoffeandTiaMaria read the OP's last update FFS.

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It's a week in France, not ten years in a gulag. If she's too immature to be left, she goes with you.

If you seriously think her mental health is poor then it should be DH who stays home with her and you take your other DD to your parents.

If you think shes being a spoilt madam, which it sounds like she is, then she comes. Stop bribing her with expensive treats. The most I’ve done is offer a 30 minute motorboat trip on derwentwater after a long walk- when ours were about 12. I would expect them to visit DGPs.

She should view this as an opportunity to practise her French. Her comment about her French not being good enough is ridiculous.

Yes. Like always there is a middle ground. I wouldn’t describe the teen as a brat, spoiled etc. The OP I see has done the right thing by having a proper conversation. I still would encourage the teen to go away on the holiday though and find compromises along the way. And to keep talking and understanding about her mental health.

Not all teens are like you. No way would I have spitefully ruined a family holiday. Neither would my teens.

There are some really dreadful family dynamics on this thread. I don’t know anyone who has young adult kids who behave like this.

And some really nasty posters completely lacking in empathy @OutOfChargeNow

@@Isitovernow123 What a nasty post
Did you even bother to read the OP's last update?

As a parent who had had to deal with a teen DC with anxiety and depression I have walked in the OP's shoes. Wind your neck in with your horrible comment!

Quite. And I don’t understand why somebody has to be bilingual to visit a country for a week? Visiting grandparents can be a chore for some young people but tough.

There are some really dreadful family dynamics on this thread. I don’t know anyone who has young adult kids who behave like this.

Spoilt brat comes to mind. Ttake her house key off her and tell she’ll need to find somewhere else to stay whilst you’re away.

I agree with Sashh - when I was 16 I stayed in a friend's house with her while her parents were away.
The worst thing we did was to waste a boiled ham her mother had left us - it was mid summer and we left it on the worktop all day and night. The flies got to it and laid eggs in it.
I'll never forget those maggots.
Leave her, she'll be fine, don't let her wreck your holiday.

Does she have a friend who is sensible and has a sensible parent or two?

Ask if she can stay with her friend (if she has one) for a few days and then have friend stay with her for a few days.

I hope she will agree to go, separate accommodation for your family, a bit of sight seeing. At least get to see her grandparents for a visit. Be polite.
her grandparents aren’t getting any younger.

You go to 'big prison' at 25. 18-25 you are in a young offenders unit. You've known really shit parents.

Honestly I think you are being manipulated. If you are just hearing about the social anxiety now, it sounds like the final trump card.

I’m thinking the same thing@Herculesthescot .

Honestly I think you are being manipulated. If you are just hearing about the social anxiety now, it sounds like the final trump card. She will win, get to stay, while you miss out on your holiday. If she can go to Reading she doesnt have social anxiety.

Just leave her. I went on my last family holiday at age 14 on the agreement it would be the last. Times were different in the eighties, and holidays were not as child focused as they are now! I have never been on caravan holiday again - such relief!

I think some parents greatly exaggerate the importance of family holidays, just because you enjoy it doesn’t mean your teen does. It’s totally normal as a teen to want space away from family, it’s developmentally appropriate. There is little difference between 17 & 18, if you dont trust her now, you won’t trust her when she is 18. That’s really the problem, that needs worked on.