My silly comment blew up wider family now dh miserable

You haven't read the full thread then?

I've read the entire thing. The vast majority of posters who hold dual nationality (myself included) are not offended. There are about three who didn't like the comment.

The people who the comment was made to found it offensive. That's what matters.

Unless OP's position is "fuck my niece's feelings, some random strangers on the internet said they wouldn't have been hurt by it." That's a stand she can certainly take, but she shouldn't expect many allies around the family if she does.

I think it’s quite telling that you don’t mention race in your OP. It indicates that you didn’t mean your comment to be about race, but more worryingly suggests that you still don’t see how it absolutely is about race. It is such a typical ‘where are you really from’ style comment that is so familiar to anyone with an understanding of racist micro aggressions.

Your children identified it as what it was immediately. That tells you everything you need to know about how the comment will have landed for your poor niece. Apologise unreservedly, to your niece, your SIL, even your children. Admit to your ignorance and apologise for it - stop hiding behind it as an excuse.

And everyone else on this thread baffled by how it could be viewed as racist - what a privileged yet ignorant life you must lead to think that a bi-racial young girl should take that comment as light hearted 😞

Why ? OP says DN loves our culture and bigs up her Britishness in a third country. Assuming for a moment (and I know this is hard for MN) that this is genuine why would what the OP said be offensive ? MN is batshit. Sooner or later, if we continue to have every word out of our mouths picked apart for scrutiny, language and humour will be lost and we’ll spend most of our time apologising for offence we didn’t intend. Just because you take offence, doesn’t mean offence is intended.

You haven't read the full thread then?

It's quite obvious on this thread that the only people who are offended by the comment are those who don't hold dual nationality!

I can see why it would be offensive and may require a quick apology and then be forgotten again. I think its silly making a drama out of it.

Cultural sensitivity can be such a minefield. I'm not British nor is DH but BIL and SIL moved to London as a young couple for a few years and ended up staying to rear a family, who are teens now. When they were visiting recently I said something about my kids spending time with the English cousins (which is how I always refer to them to DH) and they were all quite taken aback. 'I'm not English' said teen nephew in the strongest south London accent. I saw a look pass between BIL and SIL. It never occurred to me that they don't identify as English. Now I don't know what to say but I can't be getting upset about it either. Nephew has the same name as my other nephew so I call him 'English Dave' so I will stop doing that.

I can see why it might be awkward, foot in mouth comment, but it's not offensive. It's ridiculous that they have made a big deal of it.

We are a dual Canadian-British family. My DDs have grown up in Canada and aren't in any true sense "British" despite one of them having been born there, and having passports.

On the flip side, my DNs were born and live in the UK and aren't "Canadian" in the true sense either, despite their passports and visits.

You said something you might have meant to be silly, but in reality it was obviously quite hurtful and rude. That reality doesn't seem to have quite sunk in.

"Sorry I've been brought to book" isn't an actual apology that acknowledges that you understand you were in the wrong and feel bad for the hurt you caused, it just acknowledges other people have told you you were out of line. Apologize properly, directly to your niece. Don't dismiss it as a silly remark or bring up anyone else using it as "ammo" to imply there's been an overreaction, and certainly don't try to pull the whataboutism with her not trying a dessert.

"[Niece], I owe you a big apology. What I said was rude and hurtful, and I'm ashamed something like that came out of my mouth."

I'm triple nationality & I wouldn't find that offensive at all. If my relatives in the country of my parent's birth (which I hold a passport from but have never lived in) made that kind of joke - I would laugh.

What I do find offensive is that although I was born in and lived in another country for nearly 30 years, people always asked me where I'm from because of my ethnicity. They don't ask my husband who just looks more like a local. But that's a very racist country. Won't say which.

What does “bigs up Britishness” mean? To me that also has negative connotations.

Canada doesn’t have the same history of imperialism/ slave trade etc.

You might want to read up on the treatment of indigenous people in Canada.
And Britain actually ended the slave trade, we only finished paying that off nine years ago.

But ‘bigs up’ her Britishness at school so not a reach for OP to have assumed she would be interested in the pud.

Canada doesn’t have the same history of imperialism/ slave trade etc.

Sorry OP I’m another one who thinks your comment was really insensitive- especially if your niece is not white.

But it doesn’t sound like you meant anything by it. I think all you can do is say how sorry you are and it came out without thinking before you realised what you were saying.

So you’ve told a British mixed raced woman she isn’t British and merely aspires to be, you’ve also mocked her code switching, which is something virtually everyone does who has been brought up with two languages/two distinct accents.

The whole you’re not British thing is very commonly told to non-white Brits by racists, so its likely they think you have been racist.

Have a good grovel, apologise, we all say stupid stuff and the awkwardness won’t last forever.

Well I personally believe King are superior to Tayto 🤷🏻‍♀️☺️

It was a slightly clumsy comment but the reaction was over the top.

She meant third as in, she's already mentioned 2 countries, and this is a third country. Like a third party.

You sound like you are unkind towards your dn. You seem to mock her for changing her accent from US to UK, depending on where she is. This is actually a very natural thing to do and a way that human beings try to fit in.

Shame on you for trying to belittle her. Your dc know what you're like so they were shocked because they knew your intention behind the supposedly 'innocuous' remark.

You don't get to call yourself 'clumsy' when you're an insensitive fool. Apologise properly and work on yourself. You need to be kinder to them.

I think that yes, you should say sorry properly. Not really rocket science when you've offended anyone for any reason, no matter where they're from, and a better use of your time than reading books trying to understand them. An apology would be a good start.

Inadvertantly you've let slip your beliefs, despite your best intentions, and it's probably not the first time. I think that would explain the discord.

Apologise for your thoughtless remark and move on.

This. I've got dual nationality and I couldn't for the life of me see what you'd said wrong. Even when it was pointed out, i still couldn't see the issue.

It's sounds like your sil wants to find offence

Maybe he’s fed up of it and OP needs to take responsibility for changing her behaviour

They are being idiots.

Your niece is claiming to be British when it’s a technicality, a legal truth and not a social
or cultural one.

My kids are legally citizens of another country thanks to me, but have never lived there, don’t go to school there, have visited once. They do like to tell people they have dual citizenship though (especially when the U.K. is embarrassing itself)

My relatives tease my Paper Citizens for their enthusiastic embracing of the all things from that country ; the kids take it in good heart.

Aspiring to be British may be slightly clumsy, but your extended family are being daft to make more of it than that.

It’s like everyone with an Irish grandparent getting EU citizenship. You are a citizen of the country but it doesn’t make you an Irishman/woman in a cultural sense of believing Taytos are the best crisps.

@Allwelcone My sil has raised it as a big issue and its been used as ammo for them to hate on us basically.

Well, your SIL needs to grow up, and your DH needs to grow a pair.

You are above this OP, a little slip in the language is all that you have done, and any reasonable person would have forgiven this, or ignored it.