My silly comment blew up wider family now dh miserable

OP I maye have come a bit hard on you, but wanted to explain something- you say in the post "I tried to rea lit from her country and the neigbouring ones"- and it really shows that you dont really know her nor try to get to know her.
I am from country X. If someone told me they read a book from a country Y that is neighbouring to mine, it would mean absolutely nothing to me. Nothing. Nada. Rien. I dont care about literature from Y country just because it is neighbouring to mine. It would also teach no one anything about me. Neither would book from my country written in XIX century for that matter.

If I told you- I read a Swedish book, and Sweden is in Europe, and so is England- would you feel thrilled that I am trying to learn something about you? Probably not.

You seem to think that reading some lit shows good will and your SIL should be grateful for your interest, but it's not really a sign of interest, it's just a tick the box exercise that makes you think you did your job.

What you really need to look is why is SiL unappy when she is in the UK. Do you often treat her to 'funny quips' and slips of tongue? Do you see your niece as being a bit 'quirky' and getting above herself because she is switching accents (natural thing for many kids btw) and talks about being British and it's a funny anecdote your side of family is passing on, while for her it's part of her identity (you did say you are poking fun at the accent switching)- maybe this is why SiL has not warmed up to you. You said you try not to offend when she comes over- but for most people it's effortless to not offend, what has happened over the years that you have to watch what you are saying when they visit?

Gestures like car lending etc are nice, but they will not replace being sincere and genuine.

Why did she make a pud she knew she didn't want to eat?
Why not make a pudding you'd all eat?

@Rosscameasdoody if I said something that my niece found offensive, I'd instantly apologise. Because I care about her feelings.

Me: DN, your glasses are just like Harry Potter's!
DN: ouch, that's not a nice thing to say!
Me: oh, sorry darling. I didn't mean that offensively. You know I love your style.
Me and DN hug. All is forgotten.

Genuinely surprised that so many people are saying the SIL is "looking to be offended"! OP was out of order and is playing the victim.

Family with three passports here. Not offended. We laugh about things like this.

Oof that's unfortunate. I think given your '100% careful all the the time not to offend' comment, this could sadly have been the last straw for SIL. The comment gives you away a bit, as most people don't have to go out of their way not to cause offence. You seem hyper aware of 'differences' in your family which has led you to put your foot in it and it may not be the first time.

Possibly because she didn’t intend it to be offensive ? And at no point did OP say her niece was offended. It was her SiL.

When did this happen OP? Why haven't you apologise yet?

Even though you don't feel your comment was offensive, she took offence. Why on earth haven't you apologised for saying something that someone you love found offensive?

Clearly not or they wouldn’t have posted.

Dual family here. Clumsy? Maybe. Offensive? Only if there was a huge back story and this was the final straw.

Your SIL sounds hard work - I’d apologise once and then take a step back.

Sorry but this is just bollocks. If OP not mentioning race in her post indicates that she didn’t intend her comment to be about race, how can it ‘absolutely be about race’ if that’s not what she intended. !!

Can't you see the irony in what you just said?

Yep, but you can trust MN to turn it into something it’s not and make OP feel like the biggest shit in the world, when she actually didn’t mean any offence.

Oh I see the mixup. Dual nationality is not exactly the same as mixed race. There is a Venn overlap of course. Op's niece is both.

I know. How can people be bothered with this nonsense.

What a load of ridiculous fuss over nothing.

She didn’t. She said ‘a third country’ as in that’s where she goes to school, and not of her dual nationality. The standard of reading comprehension on MN is appalling sometimes.

I know what you meant - skin colour is not relevant here. You were joking about crumble and if she wants to be British she should like it. It’s obviously a clumsy joke due to the dual nationality but not being brought up here.

If SIL isn’t keen on the British family is it a case of it being convenient to take offence.

I wouldn’t dwell too much on it - all you can say to your niece is “of course you are British and not aspiring I am sorry I upset you”

Yeah but you said "only" those who weren't mixed race or dual nationality didn't like it. Implying you hadn't read the full thread.

I wouldn't say I would have been offended or aggrieved as op's niece but I'd certainly be eye rolling and thinking what a muppet op is, for the reasons I gave upthread.

I did say I have sympathy as I can be a bigmouth. But it really was silly of op.

I took it that meant they didn't live in "their" country but lived somewhere else. i.e. not Britain, not the country that they derive their other nationality from, but a 'third country'. Could be wrong though, especially since OP seems to be lacking attention to detail on this front!

I have dual. I think it was a pretty nasty comment. Which would be fine if it really was a 'slip' or a poorly executed joke. But add in OP's addition of how hilarious she finds DN switching accents, and the fact that DN is mixed race... it's looking pretty awful.