My silly comment blew up wider family now dh miserable

“Who chooses to identify as British”.

This is you learning?

She is British. She isn’t choosing to identify as British anymore than you are.

I have dual nationality by virtue of my father’s birth, not because I have lived in other country. Visited many, many times and this is the sort of comment a cousin would make to me. I wouldn’t be remotely offended.

Because she’s racist. And deep down she doesn’t think they’re as British as she is and she has the right to point that out.

I winced. Its bad.

Why are you so reluctant to just apologize to your niece? Start there.

Where are you really from is obviously racist.

You aren’t really British is as well.

You were racist.

I took third country to mean they don’t live in either the UK (first nationality) or SIL’s home nation (second nationality), so where they live would be the third country, isn’t that reasonable? What would you call it?

I think yabu for telling dn to do something when it wasn’t your concern and then to add an unnecessary comment about her Britishness.

Why even make such a comment?

Intention or not, you were rude and should apologise.

Eating pudding you don’t like is not a cultural requirement to be British. Nor is eating strawberries.

You’re continuing to be racist.

Wait, you're upset that your SIL didn't want to eat some strawberries? Really? And you're on here portraying her as overly sensitive and looking for a quarrel?

Stop making this about your relationship with your SIL. Apologize to your niece, who doesn't deserve to be a casualty in whatever tense relationship you have with your SIL.

So you're taking your frustration on the niece because SIL didnt want to eat strawberries?
Does she even like strawberries?

You gasped?!?!

Does she like strawberries? So, you're annoyed at your SIL and decided to bring her daughter into it?

Seriously, that's not great on top of everything else.

Sorry if it's been asked, but what the hell does 'Brought to book' mean? I thought it was a typo, but the OP has said it twice now. Sorry to de-rail, but it's really annoying me!

My children have dual nationality, we live in Britain, but we're raising them bilingual and we visit DH's country 4-5 times a year, and yet my in-laws are ALWAYS making comments implying that the children aren't really DH's nationality.

It's always harmless and well-meaning stuff, like just calling them collectively "the English ones" to differentiate them from their cousins, or - actually like you - if they don't like something at dinner time, saying "ah, that's because you're English".

For me, it ranges between being mildly irritating to being a straight up fact. Someone who is no brought up in a country will always be a semi-outsider to a certain extent - and dual nationality friends of mine have said the same to me. On other occasions, (depending on what the remark was), I just remind the person who made the remark, "well, they literally are [DH's nationality]" (if they said something relating to their legal status or suchlike).

It sounds like your in-laws were looking for an excuse to be offended.

Honestly, no, I don't think so.

Obviously I can't speak for your niece, but I'm pretty sure that my dd wouldn't let any upset show to her dad's side of the family if they said something like this. She would absolutely put on a brave face in front of them and insist that it wasn't an issue - I think she would be reluctant to admit to being offended because if she acknowledged it at all, it would open the floodgates and then be very difficult for her not to get really, really upset.

But I also know how incredibly hurt she would be behind closed doors, so I probably would have to say something on her behalf. I would be angry at their insensitivity if I'm honest. Thankfully dh's family don't think like this at all, but she has had the odd comment from family friends etc in dh's home country and those casual little remarks are so alienating.

Well, l the colleague was fuming inside. He was very polite back at pointed it's his mother tognue, but the colleague also didnt get it and persisted in follow up comments, equally bizarre, along the line show they had great fun in Indonesia on holiday (because it's apparently the same country) like if he was meant to be honoured by that.

Your family (both sides) seem great and accepting.

Unfortunately it's not the same for other families. It's different like in the case of your family if everyone is in on the joke, but here it seems SiL and the DN are the butt of the joke and it has been going on for a while. In your family everyone is taking the mick, but no one is taking the mick out of OP, it's a very one sided her poking fun at the niece and her little quirks.

If OP and her family has a form for making insensitive comments, then I can see why SIL would be quite sensitive to it after the years Imagine having family thinking it's 'hilarious' your child feels British and that their interest in their own (!) culture is seen as a way to distinguish themselves from other kids in school, therefore not genuine.

People may be hating on Meghan Markle and she said some questionable things, but there were a few things she said when she first came to the UK, the casual racism she described from the royal family members who displayed sort of Victorian era attitudes to race- and some of the things OP said in her comments made me think of that.

Ooooof I winced just reading that.
you owe the family an apology there.

It’s a shame that they didn’t overlook what you said when they should know what you’re like as a person so don’t mean it as it came across

But maybe they do know what the OP is like as a person, and this is just the latest cringey race related faux pas she has made.

Exactly. And when they get it from both sides, which is common, what are they to understand? That they're not really anything and their whole identity is just them putting on airs?