My silly comment blew up wider family now dh miserable

Technically, if they choose to hold a British passport, then they are in fact British. As well as being Irish. They aren't required to retain a British passport if they don't want to.

Of course, it's completely fine if they choose not to identify as British because that's a personal choice. But it would not be appropriate for anyone else to decide how they should identify.

I'm a dual passport holder too. I would not have found that remotely offensive. I didn't spend my childhood or early adult years in the UK so clearly there's a cultural difference between me and people who grew up here.

Hi @Allwelcone,

I'm really sorry this happened to you. I have a similar family thing and it is very hard to get things working. The fact that there are cultural differences, historical issues and that they live abroad means that we never ever manage to get on good terms. Everybody is always on a hair trigger to get offended. It's really awkward.

The irony is that when people from another country are looking out for people being disrespectful, then they tend to see it when it isn't even there. Then they isolate themselves, and lose the chance to learn that they were actually loved and respected just as much as everyone else.

Good luck with it.

You are racist. You think you’re better than them.

This just utterly undermines genuine racism, and is a shitty, unpleasant thing to say to the OP.

I know many people with British and Irish passports who would say they are Irish and would be offended to be told they were in fact British.

She sounds like hard work!

OP only a British person would make that comment 😂. SUCH a British thing to do

You are racist. You think you’re better than them.

In the time you have been on this thread OP you could have just apologised to your niece. Your children called you on it. You need to apologise. All this ‘I don’t get it’ is either a wind up OR yes, you are racist.

If she has a British passport, she is British.

Yeah I could see it being taken in that way too.

OP, you seem a bit slow to properly understand the mistake that you've made. Do you think a lack of sensitivity and cultural awareness might be at the heart of your problems with SIL?

I guess we need OP to confirm her culture to be sure but it’s not British culture to refuse a dish offered. Ever.

*She is British. Whether you think so or not.

That's why what you said was offensive.*

The kid has never lived in the UK though. I think "has a British passport" would be a more accurate description.

This is what OP said:

yes and I did admit I had been brought to book in public if you see the OP.
Weirdly in my culture it's considered rude to refuse a dish offered to you so that's a clash there (you just hide it under your spoon or accidentally drop it, have a tiny bit etc).
My sil used to be awful to my mil actually, no chances given. Maybe our family is just not right for her. I'm not sure what conflict has been caused but there is some, I guess it's being used as a reason to not come so much, dh took bil to task about not doing enough with mil.

Don't bother with her op. I bet she doesn't try to understand your culture.

I think it's offensive for a different reason than most on here.
I would have taken it as a diss towards sil's nationality. As in, "Come on, you want to be British don't you? That's so much better than the other half of your identity so eat the crumble."

She isn't choosing to identify as British, though.

She is British. Whether you think so or not.

That's why what you said was offensive.

Also, you don't get to decide that she isn't "culturally British". You're not the gatekeeper of that.

It’s not seen as rude.

Not sure if I have understood your post OP. Your DN's mum is from another country - lets say Irish as you haven't actually said. Your brother is from the UK. The family live in America and DN has both American and UK passports? DN flicks between saying she is American and English although she has never lived in the UK (or Ireland)? Her mum presumably thinks she is Irish? I would say she's either English or Irish heritage but is American.

From reading this thread anyone born in the UK must be assumed to be English so anyone born in the US must be assumed to be American but it isn't that easy.

I have Irish friends who live in the UK, whose children were born there, may have an English father but their mums would never say they were English although many of their Irish friends would think they were. Not everyone aspires to be English and I think its the 'aspirational' comment that caused offense. I would think your DN is American (1st generation American) as she was born there and has never lived anywhere else.

Its the DN pretending to be from different countries that is causing the confusion but she is probably only doing this at home because its fun to do with her Dad.

Is this because in your culture it is seen as rude? Does she know that?

This

You were rude. I’m Scottish and I don’t like haggis or irn bru so stupid too really. They “hate on you” …I’m not sure what that actually means. You should
apologize properly (as don’t make excuses and say you were at fault). You can’t do anything more?

Probably all of them.

I think you're on a windup now. Have fun with it.

Or, you know, apologise to your family. No wonder your husband is fed up.