My silly comment blew up wider family now dh miserable

Based on OP’s family reaction it sounds as though OP did cause offence.

It’s not about walking on eggshells, it’s about conversations being lifted to a place where people feel valued.

You keep putting all this on SIL but your own children reacted to what you said immediately. Have you asked THEM why they found what you said bad? Why is all this about your evil SIL when your whole family is upset by what you said? You want to know how it could be seen as bad, start by asking your own children. Then apologize to dn, sil and bil.

People in NI are entitled to hold both Irish and British passports as per the good Friday agreement

It's a shame. All you can do is apologise. I think I can see why they found it a bit insensitive. But not enough to fall out with you in a serious way.

Jeeeez 😵‍💫 this post makes my head hurt 🤯
OP, stop beating yourself up. You sound like a lovely, kind, non confrontational person.
Your SIL on the other hand sounds like a twat that’s been spoiling for a fight and whatever you have said she has taken as a gift and has run with it.
If you love your niece and you’re genuinely worried that you MAY have offended her; ask her. If she says “Yes” she was a bit pissed off, apologise, try to explain your intention and hug it out.
Let your SIL get on with being offended 🙄
As for DH, he should know you better than anyone and know you have not intended to offend anyone.
Life’s too short for worrying about what people think.
💐

Yes she has. Multiple things.

Why do you assume they are from NI?

But op is not an autistic teen and the situation is totally different.
She is a (I suspect) educated adult who made a number of pretty racist comments. She may not even realise she was racist, it could be even subconscious bias that many people show without even realising, that does not mean it is ok. It still is what it is.

Many of my Indian friends big up their culture and seem to love it if we join in. I feel very awkward joining in as I know very little about true Indian culture and would not want to offend.

And you’re extremely unpleasant. Op hasn’t said anything to suggest suggest a vile response.

I think a genuine racist is someone who doesn't like another race. Someone who lacks understanding or struggles to communicate might come across as racist. My autistic sons best friend is from Africa He's genuinely interested in his different way of life and hisp looks. He spoke to his african friend about his 'bushy hair' and asked to feel it, said its really soft and bouncy like a cloud. Then they moved on - they're both teens and commenting on a black person's hair like that could automatically be called racist but it wasn't.

Why do they bother with the British passport if they'd be "offended" to be called British? I assume your friends are from NI?

I think the fact the OP’s children gasped rather than saw it as banter makes me think that the children were thinking along the lines of ‘oh no mum’s being a bit racist again, this is so embarrassing’. Also the husband seems disproportionately upset if this was a one off ill-judged comment, so coupled with the OP’s generally un-self aware comments on this thread, I feel like the sister in law and niece would have a very different tale than the OP’s and have probably had to put up with these kinds of comments from the OP for years and have now reached breaking point.

No - it's telling a British person that they are not "British" enough if they don't like crumble ... or fish& chips or a pint of bitter.

I understand OP made it as a daft throw away comment but when you live as a dual national both sides often love to bash you for non-conformity to their perceived cultural norms.

Your comment conveyed that you think she is inferior by birth. It's the word "aspire" that comes across as offensive, whether you meant to be or not.

What is genuine racism? Abd is op displaying non genuine racism as opposed to that?
Her comment was racist. Many of her other comments hinted a pretty ignorant if not racist attitude towards Sil and the niece. You dont need to be burning mosques to be racist.

My sister married into an African family. None of them would be offended at all by this? And in return the African side of the family (we see the parents and siblings of the spouse frequently), laugh at our inability to eat jolof rice if it's too spicy. Hardly a big deal, is it?

I suppose if they're offended, they're offended, and people's feelings can't be wrong. But they do sound like hard work to me. If they're just in-laws, and you don't have to see them very often, I'd probably just apologise to keep the peace, and then let your husband do the hosting when they're about 🤷‍♀️

FFS, what is your problem?

She is British. In the context of this thread, that is literally all that matters, and that is exactly what I intended to write.

Obviously, as a dual national, she is something else as well, but that is not at issue here. We have known from the outset that the child is a dual national, and most of us understand how that works, so there was no need to keep referencing it.

I'm sure you think you're terribly clever but you're just getting stuck on a complete irrelevance.

Her immediate family are looking for trouble. You haven't done anything wrong.

Sounds like you're making way to much effort with your SIL & it's not being reciprocated AT ALL. I'd stop making any effort tbh, you're wasting your time & energy. If she has no interest in a relationship with you, to feck with her, and no way in hell I'd lend her my car.

I have Irish parents and an Irish passport. I was born in England and have lived here all my life, but if someone asked my ethnicity I'd say Irish.

If an Irish person from Ireland (relative or not) made a comment indicating that they didn't think of me as Irish, I wouldn't be offended in the slightest. There is a difference, in culture and experience. I can see their perspective

If your niece's feelings were hurt, it'd be kind to apologise for upsetting her, but it all seems like a storm in a teacup. Definitely not a serious issue.

Oh wow. Almost this exact thing happened to me almost 20 years ago!

Dad is Irish. Mom is from the Philippines. I grew up in a 'third' country, i.e. country neither of them are from. So the only thing I had to cling on to was my parents countries, and was/am really proud of being from both places.

One of my Dad's cousins made a very similar comment in a convo about food when I said I wasn't mad about Irish stew. Her exact words were "you'll never be a real Irish woman if you don't like stew". It was just a throwaway comment to her, and maybe it seems silly to some, but God it really broke my heart.

I lived in Ireland for university and a good chunk of my twenties, and I loved it. I had people say racist stuff to me on occasion, but nothing ever hurt as badly as knowing that my own family would never truly consider me 'one of them'. Feel so sad for your niece.

In your initial post you said 'She is British'. Then you wrote 'She is British as well'. You are now falling over yourself to say that is what you meant to write initially except it isn't what you wrote.

I mean, it's a pretty offensive thing to say and i can understand why she's upset.

There is literally no contradiction between those two statements. Do you not understand how dual nationality works?

Saying that someone is British does not preclude them being something else as well. That's irrelevant. You are no less British by virtue of having a second or indeed third nationality.

As for being offensive, the material point in this situation is that the DN has a British passport and she clearly identifies as being British, so there is no question over whether or not she is British. The identity of your Irish friends is irrelevant because they identity differently.