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Original poster

My silly comment blew up wider family now dh miserable

316 replies

Allwelcone · 05/08/2024 18:04

So my neice is British/dual national with my sil's country, never lived in UK but loves our culture a lot and bigs up her British-ness at school apparently, which is in a third country.

Over on a recent UK visit, dn made a very British pudding but didn't try any of it as didn't like it (it was a crumble type pud) I said "Oh go on try a bit, I thought you aspired to be British!" This was met with gasps from my teen kids and I said "sorry I've been brought to book there".

My sil has raised it as a big issue and its been used as ammo for them to hate on us basically.

My dh is very unhappy, not sure what I can do? Apologise? Leave it? Back story is sil doesn't seem to like bils family and always seems really sad to be in UK. we do try (e.g lending them our car, lots of hosting, being 100% careful all the time not to offend) but we have never bonded.
Advice appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Allwelcone · 05/08/2024 18:44

@diddl my dn loves all things British apparently. Maybe I should say sorry properly though. At least that would help the family move on and I am actually sorry for my clumsiness.

I actually don't think there's much to live about the UK a lot of the time ironically!

OP posts:
Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 05/08/2024 18:44

nowahousewife · 05/08/2024 18:39

Seems a bit OTT. I’m not British (NZ) so my now adult kids have dual passports. They were born and raised in the UK and despite having second nationality are no more Kiwi’s than DH is. Although when he was little DS loved cheering for the All Blacks as they did tend to win more than the English rugby team.

People will always find something to be offended about if they look hard enough.

It's not about looking for something to be offended- it's having family who think that you are inferior and make pretty racist comments and thinking it's a funny slip up. Did your NZ family treat your kids as inferior, or do the British side of fmaily treat them as such? If no, they you may not udnerstand how having someone who sees oyu as 'aspiring to be British' pretty insulting.

I have a friend who was born in the UK 40 years ago to Malaysian parents and recently got complimented by a thick colleague on her 'excellent English'. It's the only languguage she speaks and has a degree in it. Not really a compliment.

Mumoftwo1316 · 05/08/2024 18:43

I feel for you op because I'm also a bigmouth sometimes.

In this case, as others have pointed out, it's tough being mixed race and feeling you're not "fully" either culture. (I'm mixed race and struggled with this my whole life).

I think the main thing that was silly with your comment is that even within the UK and native Brits, not all of them like apple crumble or whichever pudding it was! Just being British doesn't mean you love all the stereotypically British food.

The best you can do is apologise sincerely, once only, then move on and eventually everyone will forget about it. If they don't, they're being unreasonable.

MiseryIn · 05/08/2024 18:43

It's ridiculous. I'm another nationality and have also never lived there. I am
Fiercely proud of it but I wouldn't be offended if someone said I was aspiring to be it!

Original poster
Allwelcone · 05/08/2024 18:42

@jackrabbitslim has your friend never lived in the UK but still wanted to adopt all things British?

OP posts:
diddl · 05/08/2024 18:42

Allwelcone · 05/08/2024 18:39

Read the op for what I said

Show quote history

I have.

and I said "sorry I've been brought to book there".

Well to me that's hardly a heartfelt apology specifically for your niece.

minuette1 · 05/08/2024 18:41

Allwelcone · 05/08/2024 18:21

Dn is British on paper and in point of fact. Her other country is not Western, there are many cultural differences, I have blundered so much with sil. I have read literature by writers from her country and neighbouring ones to try and inform myself of her experience and possible issues.

Are you one of those people who ask a brown person who is possibly 3rd or 4th generation British 'but where are you really from'. Your comment to your niece was of this nature, I'm glad your gasping children don't seem to have inherited your outlook!

WorriedMama12 · 05/08/2024 18:41

You've done nothing wrong. I'm mixed race myself, it's glaringly obvious when something is said out of malice and when something just isn't phrased correctly. Not that you even phrased it incorrectly, you said nothing wrong. And atop pandering to SIL.

Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 05/08/2024 18:40

Allwelcone · 05/08/2024 18:21

Dn is British on paper and in point of fact. Her other country is not Western, there are many cultural differences, I have blundered so much with sil. I have read literature by writers from her country and neighbouring ones to try and inform myself of her experience and possible issues.

To be honest you sound a bit like that royal who kept on asking a prominent black charity boss during a Buckingham palace reception WHERE ARE YOU REALLY FROM.
I think it's just something stuck in many people's heads, that to be British is to look the certain way and clearly subconsciously you think that.
Your comment was very offensive, and I think she just assumes that she slip was really what is on your mind really, that the part of the fmaily is 'aspiring' to ne like you and inferior. Not sure this is somethign you can make up by reading books (she may not even read herself or think they reflect her experience).

JackRabbitSlim · 05/08/2024 18:40

It was clumsy. I have a friend of dual nationality who is tired of being told how well she speaks each language/how she sounds like she really is whichever nationality, when she is both (one parent from each country).
She isn't aspiring to be British, since she is British.

Original poster
Allwelcone · 05/08/2024 18:40

Sorry I meant recently not decently!

OP posts:
nowahousewife · 05/08/2024 18:39

Seems a bit OTT. I’m not British (NZ) so my now adult kids have dual passports. They were born and raised in the UK and despite having second nationality are no more Kiwi’s than DH is. Although when he was little DS loved cheering for the All Blacks as they did tend to win more than the English rugby team.

People will always find something to be offended about if they look hard enough.

Original poster
Allwelcone · 05/08/2024 18:39

diddl · 05/08/2024 18:37

Did you not just immediately apologise to your niece?

Read the op for what I said

OP posts:
Original poster
Allwelcone · 05/08/2024 18:38

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 05/08/2024 18:31

"Aspiring to be British" is very offensive. As if it was a superior thing.

You wouldn't say someone "aspires to be" Colombian, or Bangladeshi, would you?

I 100% would as I am actually of a mind that countries shouldn't even exist and no one country or culture is better than another.
Dn has been reported as hilariously code switching between US and UK accents and really emphasising her British side. So yes she herself has been wanting to be culturally British decently.

OP posts:
RenoDakota · 05/08/2024 18:38

Soontobe60 · 05/08/2024 18:16

This⬆️
Oh, and don’t refer to their country as “third”!

Show quote history

She meant third, as in the third of a list of countries. Not third world.

diddl · 05/08/2024 18:37

Did you not just immediately apologise to your niece?

FarmGirl78 · 05/08/2024 18:37

I don't understand the posters being miffed at OP saying that they have Dua Nationality of 2 countries and live in a 3rd one. How could she have described it better? DN has nationality of 2 countries and lives in a further country? Dual national of 2 countries and lives somewhere else that isn't either of those 2 countries? Give over. It was a perfectly fine way of explaining the situation.

Jaxhog · 05/08/2024 18:37

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 05/08/2024 18:31

"Aspiring to be British" is very offensive. As if it was a superior thing.

You wouldn't say someone "aspires to be" Colombian, or Bangladeshi, would you?

Well I have dual British/Canadian nationality, and people say it to me about aspiring to be Canadian! I've never lived in Canada, but do like typically Canadian things.

BellaB23 · 05/08/2024 18:36

I think it was an offensive comment and I don’t get offended easily.

Original poster
Allwelcone · 05/08/2024 18:35

@stormingnorman yes she is mixed race. Annoyed as I do know these things in my heart (dd married to smn of Indian heritage, babies on the horizon)
But yes it was clumsy, gutted how it was taken, i obv meant culturally. Literally no trust or forgiveness there. Sil having an awful time in the US due to racism apparently. I do know all this, so upset.

OP posts:
mothsandgoths · 05/08/2024 18:32

SIL is looking to take offence. You obviously just misspoke. My SIL is the same. You have to watch everything you say round her as she takes offence over the slightest thing, and often invents a meaning behind an innocent comment!

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 05/08/2024 18:31

"Aspiring to be British" is very offensive. As if it was a superior thing.

You wouldn't say someone "aspires to be" Colombian, or Bangladeshi, would you?

Iwasonholidayonce · 05/08/2024 18:31

Sometimes when people have dual heritage as it can feel like you're not really accepted as "properly" either heritage/nationality- therefore your comment could have felt quite othering to her. I'd apologise for being insensitive rather than minimising her feelings and try to be more understanding of her trying to figure out her identity.

Original poster
Allwelcone · 05/08/2024 18:30

Thanks so much all for your helpful comments pos and neg sorry I'm not replying to everyone but i am reading them, it's emotional.

OP posts:
Original poster
Allwelcone · 05/08/2024 18:28

@whichellie yes and I did admit I had been brought to book in public if you see the OP.
Weirdly in my culture it's considered rude to refuse a dish offered to you so that's a clash there (you just hide it under your spoon or accidentally drop it, have a tiny bit etc).
My sil used to be awful to my mil actually, no chances given. Maybe our family is just not right for her. I'm not sure what conflict has been caused but there is some, I guess it's being used as a reason to not come so much, dh took bil to task about not doing enough with mil.

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