My silly comment blew up wider family now dh miserable

I am not British, but live here and have dual national children. Their non British nationality is very important to them even if they have always lived here. They consider themselves dual nationals. They do not ASPIRE to be anything. Super offensive.

But your uncle is not her niece... And at any rate what you consider him is meaningless, it is about what he considers himself to be. You don't dictate others their identity.

Did the British parent get offended or just the sil? Yeah OK a bit clumsy, but as pp said, it's obvious when said as a joke and when as offense. Also someone can aspire to be whatever. My kids aspire to be cowboys from america one day, aleadddin the next day when they watch cartoons.
Your sil is looking for offense. Sorry if stuff happened to her but that's not your fault, and it's racism on her side to assume this behaviour from you. It must be frustrating for everyone to walk on eggshells near her, esp her dh and your mil. Why did they marry if she's so against the dh culture and it's such a big issue for her.. The kids are brits after all.

I'm quite confused by this.. surely having not being born in Britain nor ever lived there she is "aspiring to be British" My uncle is Irish, emigrated to America.. married an American woman and had children in America. I don't consider my cousin's Irish 🤔 Their father is Irish, their mother is American none of them have ever been to Ireland..

It's the use of the word "aspire" that I would take issue with.

The implication is that Britain is somehow better than other countries.

Sounds like it.

She's British, OP. I would have cringed.

Because it was a racist comment and you should own up to it, clearly you have very old fashioned ideas and what it takes to be British and you may not even realise that if your OP starts you dont even know what was so bad about it.

You absolutely do need to apologise directly.

I totally understand that you mis-spoke, but saying "I've been brought to book" isn't even close to apologising. It's the equivalent of saying 'I've been found out' so doesn't even acknowledge that you saw was a problem with what you said. Just that your kids had told you off.

So yes, apologise and say that you were trying to put across her love of British culture, and that you absolutely recognise that she IS British. You should also apologise for not putting it right at the time.

Its pretty obvious you meant culturally British as opposed to legally British. She sounds like someone that actively seeks to be offended. Apologise for the miscommunication and don't give it another thought.

Aspired to be British like it's an achievement of the worthy.
No wonder they're pissed. I'm surprised people aren't seeing how offensive that was.

All you can do is eat humble crumble tbh! Apologise without reservation. Don't try to justify yourself.

One part of any culture is the cooking, recipes, celebration foods. One way we pass on culture is to pass on these recipes to the younger generation.

That’s what you were doing OP, you were passing on your culture. She didn’t want to try a dish that you have passed down to her. Now, many may see that as rude but nonetheless you decided to not to be offended (they are a teen after all) and decided to make a joke to make light of the situation. You did this to spare your niece from looking rude. ‘taking the piss’ out of someone is also part of British culture but that can be jarring to those not used to that environment.

Being British, French, Mexican- it’s not just what your passport says. It’s also cultural. If the niece hasn’t had an opportunity to grow up here, then she’s lucky to have family that are passing on traditions when she visits. Both humour and recipes.

The family sound sensitive about identity, which in the circumstances (dual nationality, mixed race, living in the US) is understandable.

Understanding from both sides is needed.

So if you don’t know what the conflict is or if there is one, and you’re not going to explain why your husband is “miserable,” then what advice are you looking for?

Obviously apologizing is a good start. You should probably also stop trying to take the piss out of your niece for the way she is trying to explore and express her identity. If there are issues beyond that with your husband and SIL you’re going to have to provide more details instead of reiterating how ridiculous you find your niece.

She didn't bring up her Britishness, she is British. It's only a quip if you're racist.

I'm mixed race/biracial (but only have a British passport) and I think your SIL and niece are strange. Why did your niece make a dessert and not even try it?

Apologise. Explain what you meant. Say how much you love dn and would never want to upset her or other her. You were just excited to share something new with her. Etc…

Race relations are so tense right now it makes sense your SIL is feeling on edge (notwithstanding her general feelings towards your side of the family). I would cut some slack this time.

Looks like you plan to apologise but wanted to flag that if they’re living overseas, they won’t be covered on your car insurance. I’m not when I visit and always have to hire a car instead.

Yes, if they bigged it up like OP’s neice does re her Britishness…

She needs to grow the hell up. So do the rest of them. It is obvious that it was meant in jest. Honestly I can’t stand the great ‘offended’.
I say this as someone who lived outside their home country for 11 years. Not everyone is out to get you and not everything has to be sensitive.

And I hate custard. It's not a condition of naturalization

That made me laugh - maybe it should be??

Me neither. You only said it because your niece bigs up her Britishness. It was a light-hearted quip, nothing more.

Very passive aggressive trying to force her to try something she doesn't want to try by embarrassing / guilting her into it. It does not speak well for your character.

Rubbish. She has a British parent, the culture is passed on.

No, it's not 100% equivalent but children do take on the cultures of their parents and can be dual cultural as well as dual national.

My kids have never lived in the UK and weren't born there but they live in a pretty British cultural environment at home because their mother is English.

It is very offensive to imply that dual nationals are not 'properly' their nationality. OP all you can do is apologise for putting your foot in your mouth.

I think they read it like third world country.

Op I would apologise, say it was a bad joke and you regret it. Not much else you can say.

You seem judgy of this? I'm naturalised British, there's nothing wrong with that. And I hate custard. It's not a condition of naturalisation.