My silly comment blew up wider family now dh miserable

This.

To add, I have dual nationality too, but only came to live in the country of one of my nationalities when I was 30. I will never be a local or a native here, and that is absolutely OK. I’m privileged to have a choice of country of residence. OP’s comment would not have offended me.

I'm with you Op. I would not take offence at all.

This is silly. I have dual nationality. One of my nationalities is for a country I've never lived in. Obviously I do not feel like a real local or citizen when I'm visiting family there.

Tell your DH and the rest of the family to get a grip and to stop looking for offence.

I read the “third” country not as third rate or third world but simply neither the UK nor the country she has nationality through her mother in, so another different country to those two.

Did you read & interpret it as a lesser country??

Actually thousands of South Americans aspire to be Colombian. Huge numbers of refugees from surrounding countries e.g. Venezuela.
Bangladesh less so, but not impossible...

But it could have been sorted out there & then by Op apologising & explaining what she meant.

Maybe he knows what OP is really like...

So do you consider that a British person should have to like every single bloody British did that exists? Do you eat full English every day? If not, then I hope you give up your passport tomorrow.
I think if there is a pattern of anything, it's op making passive aggressive racist remarks dressed as jokes, no wonder Sil is unhappy coming to the UK every time.
4 people in the family have fully understood her intentions and called her out on that. It must be very unpleasant to be a part of a family where someone thinks you can only be British if you are white. The way op talks about the niece's efforts to 'aspire to be British' is pretty unpleasant, like if it was a cute think she does to distonguish herself in another country. But racism is so deeply rooted, you may not be able to see that.

So while there are full on far right riots and burning going on and ethnic minorities being targeted, people on MN are berating the OP for her apparent racism for a slightly clumsy comment.
Seems about on brand.

Your husband’s attitude to all this is most worrying. He should be smoothing things over because he knows what you’re like but wallowing in depression and doing nothing is self absorbed bullshit.

Yes, OP made a bit of a clumsy comment. The girl is British so 'aspiring to be' wasnt the way to describe it

But thats all, no need for 'gasps' (melodramatic), no need for ostricising, no need for OP to carry round guilt. We dont get everything right all the time, sometimes we say things that come out all wrong, its not the end of the world.

Her husband should be supporting her and ensuring that family move on.

And yes, 3rd world countries is how I describe 3rd world countries.

It’s a shame that they didn’t overlook what you said when they should know what you’re like as a person so don’t mean it as it came across.

I’m mixed race and have had comments in both countries like that which makes me feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I’ve lived in England most of my life and get asked things like where I’m really from and the people who ask are never satisfied with the answer London. I think that using aspire made it sound like you were saying that her other nationality was inferior which as family, they should know that is not how you think. She IS British - not culturally as she’s never lived in the UK but unfortunately you phrased things wrong. As a person who lived in multicultural Britain you’ll be fully aware of people who don’t have the nationality but are culturally British.

I think that some families don’t do teasing ever. My kids and I gently tease each other regularly but I’ve seen other families look horrified at her we banter.

I understood the OP's comment to mean 'I thought you were aspiring to learn/embrace everything about British culture', and I can't find anything offensive about that.

Even if you put the most sympathetic spin on it, it's silly though.

Many "real Brits" would prefer a curry to a roast.

It's maybe the top country in the world for loving different cuisines. Preferring foreign food is actually very British!

This
I suspect that there is more to this. Perhaps OP’s SIL has felt that she has been ‘othered’ by her MIL and so is sensitive to comments which may be linked to race, such as her daughter’s Britishness.

I can absolutely see why people were offended. You should apologise fully (saying “I’ve been brought to book” isn’t an apology and in fact makes it sound as if you intended to offend).

I think people could well take what you said as meaning something like “you’re not really British but you aspire to be because it’s superior to your other nationality”. I’m sure you don’t mean that at all and you can explain that when you apologise (nb not instead of apologising).

FFS why are some people so wet and offended by every bloody thing now? Don't bother moaning at me, I'm gone.

I'm dual nationality, I'd find it a little offensive because of the 'aspire'. Like I was laughably trying and not succeeding to reach some superior goal.

I'd be fine with something like 'go on, embrace your British side.'

My uncle is Irish born and raised in Ireland. I'm talking about his children who are now adults.. They were born in America to an Irish father and American mother. They've never been to Ireland..

She didn’t. She said the child was at school in a third country - ie not GB or the other country.

I’m interested in what’s not being explicitly said here.

OP you mention that you’ve made a lot of blunders with your SIL, and that she wasn’t willing to give your MIL ‘chances’. What were the blunders and what did your MIL need to be given chances about?

I think your comment was clumsily offensive - you’ve acknowledged that she is British, not aspiring to be, and it is offensive in my opinion to suggest someone isn’t properly British because they don’t like some traditional aspect of British cuisine. I don’t think it was enough to justify a family-wide fall out but given your comments above I do wonder if the issue is actually that this was the latest of a series of incidents in which your SIL and niece have experienced inappropriate or offensive comments from you or your MIL.

I would apologise to your niece and also reflect on whether there is a wider problem here. Even if the blunders have been mistakes without conscious ill-intent behind them there comes a point where repeated and unresolved errors are indistinguishable from malice.

This.

Sorry the last sentence was referring to your DN, my friend isn't British.
Her nationalities are both countries on mainland Europe. She hasn't lived in one of those countries but has visited, and is fluent in the language. I don't think her wanting to adopt the lifestyle, customs, etc. of that country would bother her family though, from what she's told me I think it'd be appreciated. I can't see the harm in it, even with your DN.

My mother is Irish (my father is English). I've been to Ireland, I have an Irish passport as well as British passport. I was born and raised in England. I'd never call myself Irish, nor would I be offended if someone didn't consider me Irish.

I would in this context of trying or not trying a food from that country, yes. I understood the OP's comment to mean 'I thought you were aspiring to learn/embrace everything about British culture', and I can't find anything offensive about that.

I think the SIL has a chip on her shoulder and is looking for offence. The teens – maybe they misunderstood.

If it was a one-off I'd probably apologise, but if it's a pattern of behaviour with the SIL seeming resentful/prickly/whatever, I'd let her be offended and ignore. I'd say the same to DH as well.

Op, I think you need to explain to dn and sil that you didn’t mean to be offensive .
Just apologise