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Original poster

Holiday between death & funeral

55 replies

Lipstickonteeth · 04/08/2024 21:29

My elderly DF died just over 2 weeks ago (DM died years ago). Not entirely unexpected as had been ill for years but went downhill rapidly at the end. While sad, it was also something of a relief as he has had no quality of life for a long time. We had a longstanding holiday booked for 2 weeks after he died. Obviously I would not have gone had he not passed by the time we were due to go but as it was, we were able to arrange the funeral for a few days after we return, so flew out a couple of days ago. My siblings were happy for us to go, the arrangements have been made and I'm contactable should they need me. I also know DF would've wanted us to go. It's also unlikely insurance would've paid out had we cancelled as pre-existing illness.

Today, I was chatting to a friend on WhatsApp and she mentioned she had bumped into a woman we both know from the school run. Woman was apparently unimpressed I'd gone off on holiday so soon after my DF's death. While I'm friendly with her, she's not a close friend and she doesn't know DF, my family or the full circumstances of his illness & death. She would've learnt about the death and subsequent holiday from social media. My friend explained the circumstances above but they obviously made no difference as I see she's deleted me from social media!

While I don't really care what a virtual stranger thinks of me, I'm still upset at being judged and now worry how people I do care about might be judging me! I'm also wondering how to react to this woman when I next see her, likely not until September in the playground.

NB. my decision has not really delayed the funeral at all as they're typically at least 3 weeks after the death anyway round here.

OP posts:
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GingersOwner26 · 05/08/2024 01:05

Whether or not you go on holiday has got absolutely jack shit to do with some muppet from the school run. You were not unreasonable to choose to go.

I always had kind of a distant relationship with my dad (Hanna and her father on Pretty Little Liars is the closest I can come to describing it) - he died right before I had plans to spend a weekend at a family birthday party for my cousin's two year old son (my parents had long since split up, that cousin is on Mum's side of the family and hadn't seen Dad since he was about 11, Dad had never been going to the party, so the party was always still going ahead). There are probably some out there who would judge me for still going to the party, but again, jack shit to do with such people. Yes, I could have sat at home instead, yes, I could have argued that the two year old wouldn't have remembered later on that I had missed his party. But the party did me a lot more good than sitting at home would have done, it was never going to cause me to miss the funeral (the arrangements of which were being covered by others anyway).

Maddy70 · 05/08/2024 00:29

Wtf does it have to do with a virtual stranger and why are you giving them headspace?

Go on holiday. Get the break you Need and deserve

Have a great holiday. Have funand everytime you smile think of him ;)

OpizpuHeuvHiyo · 05/08/2024 00:27

You don't need judgemental people in your life. Anyone who is judgey about this is quite welcome to fuck off. You are fine. You manage your grief in the way that works for you, and if that includes sticking to planned holidays that's fine. One of my friends whose dad was in the process of dying and not expected to last more than a month went on their long-booked family holiday for a week within that month and that was totally the rigt decision for her and her family. Going on holiday doesn't mean yoi don't care.

The "friend" who took delight in relaying all this to you is a shitstirer and probably not a good friend (though might be a good friend with low understanding of tact)

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 05/08/2024 00:24

I’m very sorry for your loss which you must deal with your way.
The woman you speak of sounds horribly judgmental. I suggest telling her to fluff off. Focus your attention on your family, that’s what your parents would want.

allbymysel · 05/08/2024 00:18

My mother died from an awful illness it was sad and a relief at the same time . I had an expensive night out booked with friends. I decided to go I'd been looking forward to it as I rarely go out. It was nice to let off a bit of steam and focus on something less awful.

NewName24 · 04/08/2024 23:44

When you have time I might ask your friend why she told you. She should have shut down the conversation and not passed on information that is only going to upset you.

I agree with both of these comments.

Changingmynameyetagain · 04/08/2024 22:44

My sister went on holiday between our step dad dying and his funeral.
My mum and I encouraged her to go, he died over Christmas and between the bank holidays and bureaucracy his funeral wasn’t till the second week of January anyway, it seemed pointless to miss it.

HalloumiFries · 04/08/2024 22:44

Sorry for your loss.

I'm in a similar situation. DF died three weeks ago. The funeral has happened and we're going on (prebooked) holiday this week. I've had two people tell me to my face that it's a really selfish thing to do and I'm finding it really upsetting.

Like you, OP, I was ready to cancel if the timings has been different but things being as they are, I don't think I've ever needed a holiday more.

Enjoy your family time.

2chocolateoranges · 04/08/2024 22:42

Nobody else’s business,

ds had his 18th birthday the week after his grans death. We chatted between him and the rest of the family and decided to go ahead with the planned birthday party that we had organised. MILs funeral was a 6 days after his birthday.

life doesn’t stop because of death, I know MIL would have been upset if she had spoiled Ds’s birthday.

NeedToChangeName · 04/08/2024 22:42

Your friend should have kept that to herself

Ariela · 04/08/2024 22:39

And what exactly are you going to do in the period between death and funeral if you don't have a holiday to go on? Oh yes, back to work....

Enjoy your holiday, sorry for your loss.

TeabySea · 04/08/2024 22:38

In the same position here. Recently had a family member die (elderly and had been unwell). We were ready to cancel the holiday but as it now stands, we can go and be back for the funeral.
It isn't anyone else's business.
The day after my mum died I went for an appointment at a beauty salon. I'd had it booked for months. At the time, there was nothing I could reasonably do by staying home, so I went for my facial.
People grieve in different ways.

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 04/08/2024 22:38

What on earth would have been the point in cancelling your holiday just to stay at home? You did the sensible thing imo. I had booked a cottage on the coast to take my dad on holiday, somewhere I’d been taking him for years that he loved. He died the day before we were due to go so I went on my own. The funeral arrangements could wait until I got back and I actually found it very therapeutic. It’s a shame more people don’t mind their own business.

Notamum12345577 · 04/08/2024 22:38

Lipstickonteeth · 04/08/2024 21:29

My elderly DF died just over 2 weeks ago (DM died years ago). Not entirely unexpected as had been ill for years but went downhill rapidly at the end. While sad, it was also something of a relief as he has had no quality of life for a long time. We had a longstanding holiday booked for 2 weeks after he died. Obviously I would not have gone had he not passed by the time we were due to go but as it was, we were able to arrange the funeral for a few days after we return, so flew out a couple of days ago. My siblings were happy for us to go, the arrangements have been made and I'm contactable should they need me. I also know DF would've wanted us to go. It's also unlikely insurance would've paid out had we cancelled as pre-existing illness.

Today, I was chatting to a friend on WhatsApp and she mentioned she had bumped into a woman we both know from the school run. Woman was apparently unimpressed I'd gone off on holiday so soon after my DF's death. While I'm friendly with her, she's not a close friend and she doesn't know DF, my family or the full circumstances of his illness & death. She would've learnt about the death and subsequent holiday from social media. My friend explained the circumstances above but they obviously made no difference as I see she's deleted me from social media!

While I don't really care what a virtual stranger thinks of me, I'm still upset at being judged and now worry how people I do care about might be judging me! I'm also wondering how to react to this woman when I next see her, likely not until September in the playground.

NB. my decision has not really delayed the funeral at all as they're typically at least 3 weeks after the death anyway round here.

My mum died unexpectedly at a youngish age (50s). We had a birthday night away booked the next week, we decided to go and my dad said to, my mum would have wanted us to as well. I would have done the same for a holiday.

thursdaymurderclub · 04/08/2024 22:37

my ex-husbands wife went on holiday 3 days after the funeral.. with her new boyfriend!!

its none of anyone elses business.. you have to be kind to you

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 04/08/2024 22:37

What a bitch she needs to mind her own business

FinallyHere · 04/08/2024 22:35

Drigante · 04/08/2024 21:36

I think in your friend's position I might not have passed this on. There's nothing you can do about it at the moment, try to put it out of your mind. I'm sorry for your loss.

This.

I too am sorry for your loss

mondaytosunday · 04/08/2024 22:33

My husband and I planned on going away for October half term. He died suddenly two weeks before. We had the funeral and I asked a friend to come with me on the 'holiday'. Of course it was not a holiday - but my kids were 4 and six and what were we going to do, mope around at home? I needed the break and it was good to get a breather before coming back and dealing with everything. I don't think anyone judged me.

WickedSerious · 04/08/2024 22:25

billyt · 04/08/2024 21:30

I went on holiday between my mother dying and her funeral. Didn't give it a single thought that I wouldn't.

We did the same when DPs father died;left four days after he died and came home six days before the funeral.

ViscountDreams · 04/08/2024 22:21

Never question why someone said what they said about you.

Question why they felt comfortable in saying that to the person who told you. And why that person then told you at all.

MyDogsPaws · 04/08/2024 22:18

My sibling died suddenly and unexpectedly, me and my mum had been planning to go away with my dc holiday the following week, ultimately I decided to still take my dc for most of the booking knowing that the funeral would be delayed due to the circumstances.

My dc would have been upset to miss the holiday as well as already being upset about the death of my sibling, and i couldn’t have afforded to rebook. I didn’t have a nice time, it was one of the worst weeks of my life and really lonely and depressing. So it definitely wasn’t a ‘jolly’ away for my benefit at all. I didn’t post any pictures to sm or share widely that I’d gone away as I was worried about how if would be perceived by others.

Klippityklopp · 04/08/2024 22:18

YANU to go on holiday. You know your family dynamics and everyone seems sensible enough to be happy for you to still go.
Your friend was BU to tittle tattle this news back to you, there was no need for this. In circumstances like this I always tend to think they are voicing their opinion under the guise of blaming someone else.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 04/08/2024 22:15

Ignore her. And don’t let anyone else make you feel bad or guilty.
My DM died (97 with advanced Alz.) shortly before the entire family was going to be away for at least a week for a DD’s big wedding do in France.

It never once occurred to me to feel bad about going away - and my DM’s former self would never have wanted us to.

The funeral was held around 10 days after we were all back.

TBH I was just relieved that she’d died beforehand, and not while we were away, because I’d have felt really bad if nobody had been with her. As it happened one of us was there for whole 36 hours when she was dying, not that she showed any awareness of us being there.

RawBloomers · 04/08/2024 22:15

My DB and I arranged my mother's funeral around my holiday. She would have been horrified if I hadn't!

OP you can't stop other people from judging you. You just have to live your life the way you think it should be lead.

Iasonnas · 04/08/2024 22:09

I'd be tempted to wear full mourning dress and black veil every day on the school run.

What a fucking idiot she sounds. You did the right thing OP, why wouldn't you go on the holiday. Even if it delayed the funeral, which it didn't, that would also have been ok.

Sorry for your loss x