Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

should i not have text sister

67 replies

itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 20:46

Me and my siblings are no contact! they are not blocked or anything, but for my own MH and sanity i had to go NC earlier this year. They have sent me the odd message in the past months, but i've chosen either not to reply, or have replied with simple acknowledgement and not engaged with them further! (for example i have a very poorly sister, who i am also NC with and i've received a text telling me they are in hospital, or this that and the other, i assume in a bid to guilt me into communicating)

Today, there was a demonstration very close to one of the sisters homes, and the homes and work places of her children and for one reason or another, it was clear it was going to go very wrong, which it did and very quickly, so i dropped my sister a quick text, telling her to stay safe!

Just because i am NC, doesn't mean i wish them harm, but apparently now i am the devil for messaging her!

Should i have just not bothered? by NC do i litterally have to absolutely never contact or respond again, no matter what the circumstance?

OP posts:
socks1107 · 04/08/2024 21:43

You need to be no contact or not. My sd is no contact with us if she suddenly sent a text but wanted to remain nc I'd be pissed off. Your either nc or not

Original poster
itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 21:41

MasterOfOne · 04/08/2024 21:39

Well that's one hell of a drip feed.

Show quote history

for obvious reasons, its not something i am very proud of! and didn't want to reveal it but it was clear it was needed.

OP posts:
Procrastinates · 04/08/2024 21:40

MasterOfOne · 04/08/2024 21:39

Well that's one hell of a drip feed.

Show quote history

Indeed! How can you possibly say there's no more to the story then just casually slip that information in.

MasterOfOne · 04/08/2024 21:39

itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 21:05

no more to the story... no drip feed.

Show quote history

Well that's one hell of a drip feed.

Ponoka7 · 04/08/2024 21:37

I agree, it's you that's the issue. You are snipy when there's a real issue, but randomly send a message which wasn't needed. You do have decision making to do, LC which means that you respond and send a Birthday card etc or NC, which is nothing but possibly when one of you are dying.

Original poster
itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 21:37

Mumoftwo1316 · 04/08/2024 21:35

What response were you hoping to get, we're you hoping she'd thank you for letting her know about the riots?

I think that's probably why they're annoyed. Because you seemed to be fishing for thanks.

You said you'd be there if they needed you, but maybe they felt they did need you when your sister was in hospital. But you didn't step up.

Whereas they don't need you when a demonstration is happening nearby.

to be honest i didn't expect a reply at all. i just felt given the proximity it was the right thing to do. valid point

OP posts:
Mumoftwo1316 · 04/08/2024 21:35

What response were you hoping to get, we're you hoping she'd thank you for letting her know about the riots?

I think that's probably why they're annoyed. Because you seemed to be fishing for thanks.

You said you'd be there if they needed you, but maybe they felt they did need you when your sister was in hospital. But you didn't step up.

Whereas they don't need you when a demonstration is happening nearby.

Original poster
itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 21:34

TemuSpecialBuy · 04/08/2024 21:25

You are essentially breadcrumbing them...

She was actually ill in hospital and you couldn't show any concern beyond "thanks for letting me know"

So... A cold response to something bad actually happening.

You then send a caring / sympathetic message about something that hasnt happened but theoretically could...

Someone in your family is a headwrecker for sure... but I'm not sure its who you think it is.

thank you.. bear in mind there IS a reason for my NC/LC in the first place..

if i were to say that my sister text me to tell me that my other sister, the one who sexually abused me as a child was ill in hospital? would my response still be cold?

am i the headwrecker? i didn't intend to reveal any reasons, but it appears i must otherwise you are pretty much all correct and it does look like IABU which i take onboard.

OP posts:
mistymirror · 04/08/2024 21:31

JaxiiTaxii · 04/08/2024 21:12

Maybe the sister had come to terms with No Contact I.e. never hearing from you again, and maybe that was very upsetting for her.

Then you send a caring text & its blown her mind & opened old wounds because she doesn't know where she stands again. Does this mean she can contact you too? If so when? Only when there's rioting? It's blurred the lines. I can sort of understand why she may be upset.

But I'd say you are currently low contact, not no contact. Only you can decide what's appropriate & healthy but I think it's only fair that it's consistent.

I agree with this.

If I were your sibling who had tried to keep a relationship and you either didn't reply or did but kept it very brief and showed no interest and then suddenly you contacted me with a caring message I would be extremely confused and I think it's unfair.

One thing I will say to you is life is bloody short and can change in an instant (I'm going through such events right now). If you care about your sister enough to want her in your life then tell her that but if you want to be NC then be NC. You can't be in the middle and expect her to lap it up when you are ready to give it to her.
I am currently no contact with my sibling and I've had to come to terms with the fact that if something bad happened to her I would feel sad but I have no right to suddenly contact her and 'care' unless I wanted to rebuild a relationship and forgive which I don't.

TemuSpecialBuy · 04/08/2024 21:25

You are essentially breadcrumbing them...

She was actually ill in hospital and you couldn't show any concern beyond "thanks for letting me know"

So... A cold response to something bad actually happening.

You then send a caring / sympathetic message about something that hasnt happened but theoretically could...

Someone in your family is a headwrecker for sure... but I'm not sure its who you think it is.

Original poster
itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 21:23

twentysevendresses · 04/08/2024 21:18

I don't think you understand the whole concept of 'non-contact' OP. It means what it says in the tin...you have 'NO contact'.

You are either NC or you're not! You need to pick a side if this fence really - your messages and 'replies/no replies' are confusing for your sisters! Decide...then stick to it 🤷‍♀️

thank you, and so it seems. if sister texts, and we are talking very occasionally, depending on the reason for the contact, depends on if a reply is needed.

i had assumed that as up to now, she has always been the one contacting me, and i have simply replied politely and without engaging that that was NC.

i now know its not! i also assumed that if she texts me about her or one of my other sisters being ill, that in times of trouble a 'take care of yourselves' message wasn't unacceptable.

basically i need to 'not care' and realise thats going to be hard, so i have some decision making to do

OP posts:
Original poster
itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 21:19

MasterOfOne · 04/08/2024 21:13

Not irrelevant actually. It actually plays a huge part as to whether yoy are being unreasonable or not...

However you clearly don't seem to see the issue with your behaviour with your siblings or on this thread.

Seems like you've done your siblings a favour going nc.

Show quote history

thank you!

OP posts:
twentysevendresses · 04/08/2024 21:18

I don't think you understand the whole concept of 'non-contact' OP. It means what it says in the tin...you have 'NO contact'.

You are either NC or you're not! You need to pick a side if this fence really - your messages and 'replies/no replies' are confusing for your sisters! Decide...then stick to it 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 21:18

MillyMollyMandHey · 04/08/2024 21:05

This isn’t NC

thank you... i didn't realise! i didn't want to block my sisters because if they ever needed me i obviously would help!

OP posts:
Sunsetbeachhouse · 04/08/2024 21:18

AmiablePedant · 04/08/2024 21:03

what is a "text sister"?
The past tense of the verb "to text" is "texted"

🤦‍♀️

Backing Up Homer Simpson GIF
MasterOfOne · 04/08/2024 21:13

itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 21:08

irrelevant.. you don't need to know why i've chosen NC

Show quote history

Not irrelevant actually. It actually plays a huge part as to whether yoy are being unreasonable or not...

However you clearly don't seem to see the issue with your behaviour with your siblings or on this thread.

Seems like you've done your siblings a favour going nc.

JaxiiTaxii · 04/08/2024 21:12

Maybe the sister had come to terms with No Contact I.e. never hearing from you again, and maybe that was very upsetting for her.

Then you send a caring text & its blown her mind & opened old wounds because she doesn't know where she stands again. Does this mean she can contact you too? If so when? Only when there's rioting? It's blurred the lines. I can sort of understand why she may be upset.

But I'd say you are currently low contact, not no contact. Only you can decide what's appropriate & healthy but I think it's only fair that it's consistent.

Procrastinates · 04/08/2024 21:12

itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 21:10

i never said i didnt reply about my other sister being in hospital. i did say

but i've chosen either not to reply, or have replied with simple acknowledgement and not engaged with them further!

**

Show quote history

Even a simple acknowledge is cold though especially with no follow up messages.

It certainly comes across that you want contact but only on your terms so no matter what they do they'll be in the wrong.

Original poster
itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 21:12

SwingTheMonkey · 04/08/2024 21:10

Aibu?

Yes you are.

No I’m not!

Ahh, it’s been at least a day since I’ve seen one if these sorts of threads. I have missed it!

im happy to receive comments.. clearly my idea of NC is not what i thought it was and that as someone has mentioned Low Contact is perhaps more appropriate.

i am allowed to answer questions without snippy comments

OP posts:
PassingStranger · 04/08/2024 21:10

Just move on. There's no happiness and fun there is there. Sounds toxic and a load of aggro.
Just cos they share parents with you, dosent mean they are your favourite people.

Friends are the family you choose for yourself.

Original poster
itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 21:10

Procrastinates · 04/08/2024 21:06

Indeed. It's very hypocritical. You can't have it one way or another OP. You're either no contact so don't text ever or you're low contact in which case occasional texts are fine but that works both ways

I must admit I'd be pretty cross if you hadn't replied to the message about being in hospital but had sent message about a protest it seems very cold.

Show quote history

i never said i didnt reply about my other sister being in hospital. i did say

but i've chosen either not to reply, or have replied with simple acknowledgement and not engaged with them further!

**

OP posts:
Sunsetbeachhouse · 04/08/2024 21:10

Op I'm thinking maybe they feel hurt when they message you and you ignore them or you send a reply thats maybe cold...especially if they are telling you about your unwell sibling. I guess maybe it looks like you pick and choose when it's OK to be concerned or when it's time to ignore which of course ultimately is down to you but for some that can also be trigging their end. I also wouldn't want to hear from someone who ignores me when I message them. No excuse for sending vile messages though. They could have just said how they feel without being vile.

SwingTheMonkey · 04/08/2024 21:10

Aibu?

Yes you are.

No I’m not!

Ahh, it’s been at least a day since I’ve seen one if these sorts of threads. I have missed it!

SauviGone · 04/08/2024 21:10

So you’re not actually NC, you want contact only on your terms.

Original poster
itstartswithus · 04/08/2024 21:08

MasterOfOne · 04/08/2024 21:06

Well.... the whole reason as to why you are no contact is what's missing.

irrelevant.. you don't need to know why i've chosen NC

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread