should i not have text sister

The reasons don't matter but you are sending mixed signals. You're no contact ,but you're contacting them with a text that reads like you care and are part of their life. When they already feel like you don't care due to indifferent replies to their texts and low contact. I think you need to decide what you want. No contact? Low contact? Contact? Right now you seem to be half in half out.

@itstartswithus It really doesn't matter what the other members of your family think - what actually matters is what YOU think and what contact YOU are happy with.

There are always going to be circumstances that you feel you need to make contact, so just be prepared that it will probably have consequences.

But so what??! Your conscience is going to be clear. And you can deal with any fall-out

Carry on doing what you're doing and remain true to yourself

The reasons don't matter but you are sending mixed signals. You're no contact ,but you're contacting them with a text that reads like you care and are part of their life. When they already feel like you don't care due to indifferent replies to their texts and low contact. I think you need to decide what you want. No contact? Low contact? Contact? Right now you seem to be half in half out.

Did you ever announce you were no contact? We had a member of our family announce they were going no contact, then continue with little bits of contact by post regularly. We felt like they wanted to have their cake and eat it too, and it felt like a way to stay in control in our lives. After a few years of this I decided not to play their game and decided that they had said they were no contact, so they were going to be no contact. They may as well have been sending their messages into a black hole after that, though it still took years of no response from us for them to stop.

They probably assume that you really don't care about them, so why should they believe that your text was heartfelt or genuine. I'd say that any texts they send are intended to make you feel guilty.

I have to agree with this. Ya probably being unreasonable

@itstartswithus

and my sister messaged and asked where was the best place to stand at the funeral for her to see me cry

firstly I'm so sorry to hear about you DH, your past with one sister & their subsequent behaviour.

As you have learnt during the course of your thread NC does actually mean NO Contact, whereas I don't think that's quite what you want which is really LOW contact. But understandably it's difficult.

Did your sister actually say that or was that your take on something she said/asked?? Is it possible she just asked where she should stand to see you/ be near you, but that you were comfortable with?

I am LC with my brother. However, circumstances sometimes mean we need to be in contact & at such times we do chat a bit (WhatsApp messages, not on the phone) & suddenly he'll just stop replying. That always hurts, it's easier when he just doesn't start chatting.

Families are complicated. Relationships are complicated.

As you would still want to help them if they were in trouble, do you think maybe counselling/family therapy could help you all find a way through this together?

if my brother & I lived in the same country I'd consider it. But it's not something I want to do online.

@AmiablePedant

Or just plain nasty.

Outlaw Pedant, speeding down the threads looking for language in distress, born to be wild and grammatical . . . .

You're messing them around by not responding (or being curt as your previous posts suggest) then sending a concerned message. If it's not OK for them to contact you about things, it's not OK for you to message them either.

@AmiablePedant

Pedant's Corner >>>>>

If you can't behave yourself elsewhere, sit on your hands.

@itstartswithus Should i have just not bothered? by NC do i litterally have to absolutely never contact or respond again, no matter what the circumstance?

flippin' heck - if you're worried, you're worried! And there's no shame in being worried.

You did what you needed to do because you were concerned about your sister.

No contact..... low contact........... full contact - what does it matter how anybody else reacts. You've followed your instincts and that's what matters x

Wow! That’s appalling. I’m so sorry OP. I think you’re better off without them. And I think you were right not to reply.

I have not spoken to my siblings for 20yrs no text no phone calls or social media contact due to older sibling being a control freak, could not deal with back stabbing, tittketattle, so enough was enough , my husband children grandchildren and in laws are all the family I need , and no regrets. Its a decision you can only make and stick to.

Can I ask what was the answer you received to your text? You said ‘but apparently now I am the devil for messaging’. How did they communicate this?

You seem like you want to have the upper hand of when you want to reply or text. Like a power thing. What makes you so special?

I have a NC sibling like you, and I’ve taken her upper hand away, and have completely blocked her everywhere after she ignored our other siblings partner dying and sibling’s subsequent heart attack. That’s what your siblings should do to you too. You don’t get to pick and choose. Leave them alone.

I think you need to think through what you are intending to do.

The reason for going no contact is to protect your own mental health.
It does not mean you send occasional messages, and it does not mean that you would help out if needed.

What you are actually doing (from your sister's perspective) is ignoring her most of the time and pretending to care when it suits you. Which is the sort of behaviour that actually people go no contact to avoid.

And you got a fair view, it was that you don't sem to understand no contact and were giving mixed signals

This.

I am no contact with a couple of my siblings... it has taken YEARS of not decades to completely detach from the drama in their lives.
It doesn't mean I don't care about them, but that is the reality and nature of our relationship that we have all accepted.

I am sorry you are going through this.

Of course we don't need a list but it's disingenuous to say there's no more to the story then mention something that's quite clearly relevant to the story.

Look you obviously have good reasons to be no contact with at least one of those siblings and presumably you don't want to be in the life of the other if they still have contact with the sibling you don't want contact with.

You need to draw a firm line and say no contact means just that and accept that means no texts and you're not in their life at all.

Anything else is just blurring the lines.