To find parents who inflict pressure to become grandparents creepy

It can definitely be creepy! DH and I were married 8 years before we started TTC. My mum mentioned it once during that time, casually, in the context of a wider conversation, in a "if you and DH ever have kids..." way.
But my FIL would say things like "MIL and I were wondering if maybe you can't get pregnant because you had a termination" (in my teens, not with DH). Once he outright asked me if we were using contraception or just struggling to conceive.
I still feel so angry and violated and humiliated when I think of his questions. So fucking weird and invasive to ask your daughter in law for details about her sex life! Funnily enough, they never asked DH... 🙄

I’ll be honest your view of it is really creepy. Not many grandparents think beyond having another baby in the family and that’s it.

Maybe you should look at why you are a bit creeped out with something most people take for granted happens and don’t give it a second thought.

How can you say sky puppies are cold?

look at that face..

Tell me about it! And the ironic thing is , she’s not even a hands on grandparent!

Yep I think it’s weird. My mum is pressuring me to have a third child- no chance. And the first time I got pregnant she goes “ ohh you do have sex then!” Like wtf! Bloody weird!

@KittytheHare

Ha ha, it was the first cold-ish looking animal I could think of

Creepy isn't the right word in my opinion.

A parent who does this may be self-centred because they want babies in the family or because they enjoyed the experience and don't wish their children to miss out or because it's traditional in their culture to say whatever is on their mind and not hold back.

I won't be "pressuring" my children when older, but I certainly don't think people who mention or ask about having children or chat about future plans to be "creeps".

Some people consider even mentioning something to be "putting pressure on". I suppose it all depends on what you are used to.

I'm not white and I am well used to relatives who feel the need to speak their mind on any and every topic. I don't think they are creeps.

It’s very likely I won’t get to be a grandparent. I’m being very careful not to say anything to dc. The only place I might talk about my disappointment is with DH or online. I know is something I have absolutely no right to an opinion, even if I had my own dreams.

i also understand the rational of the next generation being extremely hesitant to have children. I was nervous enough about doing it myself. The climate and economic situations have only gotten worse.

But plenty of people love their families and loved their childhoods and want to replicate that and add to their family. Perhaps their parents are simply excited and looking forward to being able to share in and support that.

Though, obviously, it's unfair to put pressure if their children don't want that.

When I was younger, and had been
single for several years, i went home to
visit my parents for the weekend, and when they were driving me back to the train station my mum turned around to tell me “your dad and I have been speaking, and we wanted to let you know that if you ever have an “accident”, we would help you to bring it up”.

I was and still am gobsmacked - so desperate for grandchildren they wanted me to get knocked up!

And then by the time I was in love and pregnant many years later, they had already had four grandchildren and had completely lost interest - mum didn’t even stop washing the dishes when I told her!!

My mother kept asking when we were having kids. I was like ‘Do you basically want to know when we’re having sex? Far too personal!’ Shut her right up.

I would like in the future to have grandkids and be as involved as I can (though not overbearing as many threads on here have made me worried) BUT my son has said "nope never no way" and "why would I want to be waken at 5am" though he is autistic so I totally get it lol
My daughter would like kids but who knows what the future holds. I would never pressure or try and influence as its not my choice. I've done my part in the species 🙃 though I admit there would be some satisfaction in telling my kids "told u so" when/if they have terrible twos/tweenager/teenager kids of their own. (Ps joke incase anyone missed it)

You should absolutely not be doing that
You have had your turn at having babies. Get a pet or a hobby.

It is up to your DC whether they have them or not. You would be very lucky if they didn't tell you to mind your own business. It has nothing to do with you.

YANBU, however… I desperately want to be a grandparent. Possibly because I was close to mine and my DC are to theirs. I want it even more than I wanted children of my own and if ends up not happening I will be desperately, desperately sad.
But I know this is my issue and I have to keep it to myself. My children can never know how strongly I feel about this. It is 100% their decision.

I think it’s pretty normal to talk about it with your kids, part of having a relationship with them, talking about the future.
I guess it’s difficult to get the balance right. Could sometimes it be misinterpreted as pressure whereas it might just be enquiry.

It's not creepy but it's definitely self centred. Have kids if you want them yourself and never to please others. Potential grandparents need to find ways to fill their own lives.

My husband and I used to joke about our mums being "groody" - broody for grandchildren but also aptly sounds like greedy.

I also suffered greatly from physical and mental health difficulties after my first and their comments about having another (and even another after that) were extremely insensitive and cruel.

They were both uneducated mothers of 4 though so the pressure makes sense really, it's not like they could understand wanting to do anything else.

I’m very glad my brother has kids, because I know how much pleasure my parents get / got from their grandchildren.

But I’m also bloody grateful that they never put any pressure on any of us either way. I don’t think it would be creepy but I do think it would be massively unfair.

Even if your dad wanted children it’s no guarantee “eventually the day would come”

you say you didn’t inflict pressure but if they’ve always known your desire for GC then that itself is pressure.

if your dd had struggled to conceive the knowledge of disappointing you would have added to the heartache.

i’d quite like to have young kids around again but am considering emergency childcare/respite rather than expecting grandchildren.

i see marriage/children as only one choice. I get the feeling some people think it’s the only choice, above career or any other achievements. As long as my kids get to live the life they want then that’s good with me, whether it’s traditional family or travelling round the world.

I don’t think want grandchildren is creepy neither is pressurising you for them. The pressure is overbearing and not great but hardly creepy.

I’ve had to deal with literally years of comments from my MIL about her want for us to have grandchildren and yes it’s creepy - because our sex life is none of her business. She also already has grandchildren so has never been missing out the whole time she’s made these comments. I think people are imagining it if a mother said it to their daughter and think it’s not so bad or creepy. Now imagine if it was a father or father in law saying it to a young woman in their life - instantly more creepy isn’t it? It’s creepy

Again it's not your decision. As for hoping your own children don't get to experience parenthood in all its joys and difficulties, yet you have allowed yourself to have your own children....there's no logic to that whatsoever.

I'm a grandparent, my grandchild brings me untold joy, I do a lot of childcare and I feel that it's a privilege to be able to have a close loving relationship with my grandchild. I hope that I will be lucky enough to have more grandchildren one day, but that's not my decision and I totally respect that.