To ask how you would react to this?

Yeah me too.

I would believe him when he is showing what he thinks of me and book a solicitors appointment and line up my options.

I would formally give my husband whatever divorce papers you issue at this point.

I would write to both sets of grandparents and say that the marriage has irretrievable broken down, you are instructing a solicitor, that it is not up for further discussion, you can and will no longer stay in an abusive marriage, and would appreciate their support so that their grandchildren feel loved.

I would not stay in an abusive marriage for the sake of my children. I've lived in a home with a bullying, narc parent and it's created a whole legacy for me and my siblings not least the need to consciously not repeat their "parenting" techniques and marital relationship.

Very much agree with this.

Honestly OP, this is no way to live. He sounds emotionally stuck at about ten. Not like a functioning adult man. It’s also a terrible example for him to set to your children.
You would be happier alone than like this, surely ?

Biggest one

When he flips and starts treating you better, don’t get comfortable. Be ready for the devalue that’s coming your way. Don’t react to it (very very hard)

The aim was to destabilise you and make you feel this confusion. I am living this, a few stages ahead with mine.

Your choices, get out..but if you must stay for a while (like I have to) you have to learn how to talk his language.

Mirror him. Spend his money, ignore him completely like nothing he does matters. Make him work for your attention, hard. No sex unless he behaves. If he looks at other women/porn, mirror this heavily too with other men.

Watch him treat you better. Never cry in front of him, they love it when you’re hurt. Don’t try to explain your emotions to him. Narcs don’t have them (only shame). Use shame if you really want to crush. Of course, it’s better to walk but if you have to live with one, this is what they respect…cruelty.

Toxic advice for the day. I love protecting women 💖

Your home won't be broken when you split, it's broken now.
I'll just dive onto the pile of people telling you to leave because I did and it was the best decision I've ever made. Only difference was he was financially abusive so in that aspect I was better off however, I lost the childcare his family provided. I made it work.
At the time I was terrified. I read something on here, scared to stay and too terrified to leave, which has always stayed with me.
You're doing the children and yourself no favours by staying. You've nothing to be embarrassed about, it's him who is shameful. Tell anyone who asks what he's really like. He doesn't deserve you covering for him. And just leave please. There's a better life to be had, I promise.

And it sounds nothing like autism either. This is abusive behaviour, old as time.

Women’s weakness is needing love and attention so it’s a male’s favourite weapon. Men’s weakness is their money and assets, and they require sex like a drug.

Use these weapons until you can free yourself

Always 😂In relation to pretty much any behaviour too! I was reading a post on here the other day about a mum saying she couldn't get her teen daughter to tidy her room. First reply "this sounds like she could be autistic" 😂No she's just a lazy arse teenager FFS!!!!!

Ffs is he autistic! Why is that always trotted out? Such an insult to anyone with autism.

Please listen to the sensible advice. He's abusive. Your dcs shouldn't witness this and neither should you. Tell everyone. Get support.

The silent treatments are there to make you beg for love and communication. It’s not an accident.

Leaving you stranded was to make it really hit home how little he cares. He hates himself so much he needs you to regulate his emotions for him, make him feel needed. Look up npd, bet you have been living this for a long time now.

Dump asap. It doesn’t get better. Truth is painful but don’t put up with people who play with your heart. Trash now.

Abusive man, sorry. Go and spend his money, that’ll get his attention 😂

No, just a giant twat.

Its literally already broken, they had to watch there dad leave there mum in the shop :S like what part of that isnt broken? at least if you were seperated they wouldn't have to see you both act normal when you arnt. Kids arnt stupid and i wish people would stop treating them like they are delicate stupid beings.

Very good.
I'm 45, married, no kids.
He would do this once.
What is the point of living like this, such attitude among spouses?
😡

I’m not offended either - just pointing out how inaccurate that trope is. Every single single mum I know is happier since divorce! Many of us have also had subsequent relationships, it’s not the end of your life when you leave your shitty husband, it’s a new start.

I'd be taking the kids to a hotel or last minute Airbnb, wherever, let him know if he thinks you're not worthy of his company by driving off like that, he can do without it. Permanently.

My Dad used to do and say stuff like this when he was in a sulk and home life was horrible as a result. Thankfully my parents eventually divorced and, although the divorce and everything around it was grim for a few years, they’ve both ended up much happier (and he grew up and stopped doing it). On the other hand, I am still feeling the after effects of it all nearly 40 years later. Please don’t put your kids through it, there’s support out there for both you and them that wasn’t around when I was a child.

I wasn't offended, just trying to point out that it really isn't necessarily a bad thing for children to have their parents living separately... and when the parents' relationship is toxic, it is absolutely better for the children that they live apart.

I actually actively enjoyed having parents who lived separately. To me, there was literally no disadvantage. Going to stay at our dad's was like a little holiday, nice change of scenery, I never once wished my parents were together.

Also… if I were your mum @itsoverisntit12 too damned right I’d hit the fucking roof at how he’s treating you and my grand kids.

you’ve admitted this is wrong to yourself, brilliant start. You’ve written it down to us here and we’re showing you that you’re not the one in the wrong and you do deserve better. If your mum is half the woman you are, she’ll back you.

if not, if she’s like my mother/family, then you keep it to yourself and find friends and mumsnet to support you.

You could tell him that if he can't stand being in the same house as you he can leave. I said the same to my husband years age when he was being moody and ignoring me. Not surprisingly, he soon changed as he doesn't have anywhere else to go.
The children must have been upset and confused when he just drove off and left you.
Be assured that the constant arguing and tension in the house does affect them as my parents were the same. It affected me and my siblings. Both my parents were at fault though.

The kids already have a ‘broken’ home. This one is not good for them. Don’t use that as an excuse to stay. I’m divorced, my kids are fine, their dad has a much better relationship with them (and me to be fair!) now that he doesn’t live with us. Broken home is bullshit. Kids need a stable home with happy parents. Your kids have neither - where’s the stability in being in the car while your dad abandons your mum?

Please read Why does he do that.

I was about to say al this too @itsoverisntit12 @Gerwurtztraminer says it far better than I could.

Living without him will be easier than living like this

your children will bloom before your eyes once you’ve removed this toxic and negative energy from their home.

your username is bang on. You need to end this asap. Get your information and thoughts together and don’t stop or lose focus until you’re away from him.