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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To leave them at home?

62 replies

lanadelcake · 04/08/2024 10:43

I'm a single mum and I've taken my teenage daughters on holiday twice this summer. A week at a hotel in Italy and a couple of days in a beautiful lodge by the beach, here in Scotland.
I'll be honest, some of it has been hard going. Squabbles between them, moaning, sleeping half the day. It's not like they had no input in the holidays, as I accommodated their ideas!
Although parts of it were really good, I did find myself questioning the whole holidays thing - with them - and wondering why I bother. They are currently 18 and 15.
Next summer, it's my dad's 70th birthday. He is very much adored by his kids and grandchildren. The plan is to take him to his favourite place abroad for a family holiday, which we've never done before.
My situation is that ex husband and I take it in turns to holiday with the girls. So it was my turn this summer, and next year he'll take them away. So a part of my reluctance to take the girls on dad's family celebration is financial. Doing it two years in a row is a lot.
And there's also the fact that I'm going to feel much more relaxed without them. There would be X to moan about, or X cousin to find annoying. I'd have the pressure of having to wake them up because everyone is going out for lunch. And because I'm the only single parent in the whole family, I wouldn't have the backing of a partner.
My siblings are going to make it their annual 2 week holiday with their husbands and children. Their own teenage kids have more of a 'get on with it' mentality than mine.
Would I be unreasonable to join my family for 5 nights, and leave my girls at home? They would be the only grandchildren not there Blush
I honestly just don't think I could face it.

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TeaGinandFags · 04/08/2024 11:49

There's no law saying that they can't have 2 summer hols.

If you get on with your ex, you may not, it might be worth talking to him. Or you could ask for next year and he gets the next 2 years.

As for their behaviour, give them come old fashioned caustic. They're both on the verge of adulthood and need to know where the boundaries are. (I'm sure they already know, but a little reminder won't go amiss.)

WigglyVonWaggly · 04/08/2024 11:43

People are saying their kids would be hurt at being excluded. Yours aren’t tiny kids - one is an adult - and when they weren’t excluded they came along and then proceeded to behave so poorly that you ended up stressed and not enjoying your own break. So why would you want to take them again and risk them ruining another holiday? They were pretty selfish and that, unfortunately, has the consequence that you don’t particularly want to repeat that in a hurry.

I’d be upfront with them: tell them you’d like to go away alone this time as it was clear on the last holiday they are a bit too old to come on family holidays when they don’t want to be there. Their lack of enjoyment was clear.

If this then turns into a sulk, then I’d take the tougher approach: well, their behaviour on the last holiday was unacceptable and they are both old enough to know better. Remind them of specific incidents of their behaviour. They spoiled your holiday and you are unprepared to tolerate that sort of behaviour again. Ask what will change to suddenly turn them into pleasant company!

If they seem contrite and you think they’ll mature by the time the next holiday happens, then perhaps they could come. But they can’t be spoiling a special occasion.

headpillowhit · 04/08/2024 11:41

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Rewis · 04/08/2024 11:36

I think they're old enough to have a chat with. Since it is for grandpa I'd ask them if they want to go and then have a talk about what is expected of them.

TipsyJoker · 04/08/2024 11:32

I think if they want to go then they should go but given their ages I think they should have to save up their own spending money, the eldest should also have to contribute to her flight. And I would be telling them that when you’re there you are not looking after them. They are old enough to take responsibility for themselves. That means getting ready on time for meeting the rest of the family. Handling any disputes between them and/or the cousins, behaving like adults or being asked to go back to their room. Just don’t take any nonsense. They’re not children now. They’re young adults. If they moan and whine just tell them to moan to someone else because you’re not interested.

headpillowhit · 04/08/2024 11:30

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headpillowhit · 04/08/2024 11:30

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headpillowhit · 04/08/2024 11:28

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ShanieH · 04/08/2024 11:24

I have 2 the same ages and we have brilliant holidays....they need rules and expectations setting. They don't get to just laze about all day and be grumpy fuckers arguing with one another.

Have you spoken to them about how they carried on? Did you set any rules whilst away?

lanadelcake · 04/08/2024 11:23

@headpillowhit

Sixth form after summer. She's a year behind but that's a different story (and completely not her fault).

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lanadelcake · 04/08/2024 11:22

NoraLuka · 04/08/2024 11:17

They might be completely different by next year, especially the 19 year old. If one of them is behaving better that’s likely to have a knock on effect on the other one and also if there are other teenagers that will change the dynamic. Do they get along?

I think it’s one of those situations where neither option is ideal but the fallout from not taking them is potentially worse than taking them.

Edit: I don’t know why I thought one of them was 19 already! But I think the point still stands, they can mature a lot in a year.

Edited

It's funny you should say that because the 18 year old was brilliant in Italy, and 15 year old was a challenge. And then they swapped roles for the lodge Grin
They were EXTREMELY close when they were wee, but squabble a fair bit these days. It doesn't help that they still share a bedroom. But my eldest moving out next month will solve that.
They mean the world to me, but they're just not easy. The younger years were a doddle compared to the teenage ones.
It's not that their behaviour is really wild, or anything like that. I just find them emotionally exhausting and I'm fucking tired.

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headpillowhit · 04/08/2024 11:19

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headpillowhit · 04/08/2024 11:18

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lanadelcake · 04/08/2024 11:17

She has only just turned 18, but I do agree!

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NoraLuka · 04/08/2024 11:17

They might be completely different by next year, especially the 19 year old. If one of them is behaving better that’s likely to have a knock on effect on the other one and also if there are other teenagers that will change the dynamic. Do they get along?

I think it’s one of those situations where neither option is ideal but the fallout from not taking them is potentially worse than taking them.

Edit: I don’t know why I thought one of them was 19 already! But I think the point still stands, they can mature a lot in a year.

headpillowhit · 04/08/2024 11:16

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lanadelcake · 04/08/2024 11:14

Itsallsostressful · 04/08/2024 11:12

I think that if they want to go it would be harsh to leave them at home HOWEVER at their ages they should not being getting you stressed with their behaviours so this needs a serious conversation before you go 🙂

I love my children dearly and they have MANY good points. However taking responsibility isn't one of them. We would have the chat, they would half-heartedly agree and then wouldn't be able to help themselves while in the moment.

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lanadelcake · 04/08/2024 11:12

Sprinkles211 · 04/08/2024 11:08

My kids would be pretty hurt being excluded.

Yeah, same I think. It's really only my dad they're close to though. So they definitely wouldn't be gutted on missing out on time with cousins, etc.

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Itsallsostressful · 04/08/2024 11:12

I think that if they want to go it would be harsh to leave them at home HOWEVER at their ages they should not being getting you stressed with their behaviours so this needs a serious conversation before you go 🙂

cansu · 04/08/2024 11:11

I think you should invite them but it should be part of a sit down discussion about the expectations on them. E.g. They will be expected to be up to go out, that there is to be no moaning and squabbling etc etc.

lanadelcake · 04/08/2024 11:11

Bigearringsbigsmile · 04/08/2024 11:08

I would make sure the holiday was booked when they were with their dads and go alone. Holidays are a privilege and their behaviour shows they don't deserve it. Go snd have a lovely time by yourself.

Thanks but I won't be able to control that.

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Bigearringsbigsmile · 04/08/2024 11:08

I would make sure the holiday was booked when they were with their dads and go alone. Holidays are a privilege and their behaviour shows they don't deserve it. Go snd have a lovely time by yourself.

Sprinkles211 · 04/08/2024 11:08

My kids would be pretty hurt being excluded.

lanadelcake · 04/08/2024 11:06

Adviceneeeeded · 04/08/2024 11:03

Ask them, but highlight ground rules and that you aren't above sending them home or leaving them out of activities of they don't get their acts together. As the holiday is about your dad not them.

Sounds harsh but they aren't little kids!

Edited

No, you're absolutely right.

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lanadelcake · 04/08/2024 11:05

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Och, they're typical teens in many ways, in that they're either at each others' throats or falling over laughing with each other.
I can't lie to you all though, I really didn't always enjoy their company this summer. And it saddens me to say that.

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