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AIBU?

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Original poster

To forgive him and try again

110 replies

Mumof3MasterofNone · 04/08/2024 08:10

I’ll try and keep this short.

Met a guy through a mutual hobby, we dated for 3 months (Nov-Feb). It was a whirlwind. Deep, intense. We both said we loved each other (him first)
I was so happy. I’d been in an unhappy marriage for 20 years prior. This was like finally finding true love.
In Feb something changed, I raised it with him and to my shock he ended it and said he didn’t feel the same anymore. I was beyond devastated. Had to have time off work etc

A week later he hooked up with someone else from our shared hobby and they spent 3 months together, all lovey dovey over social media. It was excruciatingly painful. I continued going to the hobby as I refused to lose out even though it hurt me mentally every time.

fast forward to 2 months ago, he stops ne outside the hobby and declares that he made a huge mistake, he’s ended it with her and is very very sorry. A week of long chats and airing everything I decided to try again. I love the bones of him and I missed him. He has been very honest with me even though it wasn’t nice to hear. He got cold feet as our relationship was intense and moving fast. She was a distraction/rebound. I know, I know.

We’ve been dating for 2 months. I love him, he says he loves me and he’s always ok with me airing my concerns about what happened.

But, I’m still struggling, I can’t shake the thought in the back of my mind that he’ll up and leave again. I’m a confident person, I value myself and what I bring to a relationship but I feel like this has left me with a huge scar. I’m constantly overthinking his words and actions like I’m just waiting for it to happen again. I don’t want to be like this, I made a choice to try again but the reality is hard.

AIBU to think I can move on from this with him?

OP posts:
OlympicProcrastinator · 04/08/2024 08:36

“He said the other girl was nothing like us, he never said he loved her etc, she was just there but he was thinking of me the whole time. I know that sounds cliche“

Of course he did. And because he said it you just swallowed it all up didn’t you?

Come on OP, don’t be silly, he’s mugging you off and as soon as another shiny new toy comes along you’ll be dumped a second time. Or cheated on.

Original poster
Mumof3MasterofNone · 04/08/2024 08:32

Fathomless · 04/08/2024 08:16

look up love bombing. That's what he's doing. then he discards. Your gut is telling you everything you need to know, but you're ignoring it.

I’ve thought everything you’ve all posted. Love bombing etc. I said all this to him when he approached me. I did see a raw side to him, he was shameful and incensed by what he’d done. He said the other girl was nothing like us, he never said he loved her etc, she was just there but he was thinking of me the whole time. I know that sounds cliche

I do want to wait and see how things pan out after the 3 months. And I do think he’s genuine this time. He did a bad thing and was immature with his and my feelings but I do worry that I’ll never be able to get over it and it will affect me/us in the future 😞

OP posts:
Lorelaigilmore88 · 04/08/2024 08:21

End it. He will do it again if someone else turns his head and you are worth more than just being worth his time when hes single. Its tough, but you need to take back the control here.
Fact is, if he truly loved you he wouldn't have ended it.

SauviGone · 04/08/2024 08:18

Red flags all over but you’ve gone back. Most wouldn’t touch him with a bargepole after round 1, but these guys seem to have a radar for those that will.

Sounds like he’s working his way around the hobby group and 3 months is his boredom threshold. In about a month you’ll have your answer.

Fathomless · 04/08/2024 08:16

look up love bombing. That's what he's doing. then he discards. Your gut is telling you everything you need to know, but you're ignoring it.

TheSerenePinkOrca · 04/08/2024 08:15

Personally this would ring alarm bells.

The whole super intense relationship then suddenly running a mile and THEN having a super intense relationship with someone else Immediately.

Sounds like he has issues.

I'd run a mile from someone like this.

Actually it reminds me of someone I ran a mile from.

KeirSpoutsTwaddle · 04/08/2024 08:14

No. He’s not a keeper.

Reframe it. You had a great time for a while. You can go and do that all over again with someone else.

People like him shouldn’t get away with playing hot and cold. It’s a him thing. Teach him it matters.

Eyesopenwideawake · 04/08/2024 08:13

Wait another month and you'll probably have your answer. It's possible that he can only keep up his facade for three months at a time. Until then regain your confidence and make sure you have lots of other stuff going on in your life so that you're not dependent on him.

DustyLee123 · 04/08/2024 08:12

As he has dumped you both I’d say it’s very likely he’ll do it again. Take control and end it.

Huckleberries73 · 04/08/2024 08:11

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