To forgive him and try again

You should not 'love the bones of' some bloke you've been dating for a few weeks. You're in lust, which is fine if it's enjoyable but he's making a fool of you, shagging his way round the hobby group and you're believing his drivel.

Yeah I'm gonna put myself out there and give the total opposite perspective to everyone here. My relationship started pretty much the same. Except I didn't know the woman and I didn't "mourn" over him in that time, I got back out there and dated. I was out on a date the night He did his big "I want you back" and he had to come back the next night. I set firm boundaries that I would only take him back if he was committed and serious and that if he let me down that was it. He had his reasons which I won't go into but that I believe were perfectly valid, was he right to do it? No. Do I understand why he essentially ran away from happiness, 100 percent.

We're incredible. There is not a part of our relationship that I would change. We are a fantastic team, we talk through disagreements, no one is ever angry, everyone pulls their weight. We talk and respect eachother. He's an incredible father, looks after me, cherishes me. We both know there is nothing better out there. What it would feel like to lose what we have. I trust him immensely, he would never throw this away, he has lost me once and was faced with the idea that he could have lost me forever.

It took a short while to get there though, I do remember some doubt at the beginning, a resistance to let myself love him again. But he consistently showed me that he loved me and was committed and was reliable and trustworthy. It's actions, not words that build that trust. I don't think we could be who we are without that happening tbh. We talked about it alot, he answered every single question without hesitation that I asked. He's never tried to minimise or defend or excuse.

People put up with being treated terribly by their partners. People have relationships with people that threaten to leave but never do. That clearly don't love them, or that they don't love. And they all just stay together miserably.

He was unsure of your relationship so he broke up with you. That's actually not a crime. He decided that he fucked up and asked you take him back. The important thing is how he treats you, does he treat you with respect. Can you talk to him about your concerns without him deflecting or getting frustrated? Are you happy?

You know you can't actually believe in the images he conjours of your relationship and how amazing it is. You already know he is a man who says things that aren't true in the traditional sense. He says thing he truly wants you to hear, because he likes how you respond. If he was so not into the other woman, why all the lovey dovey posts? If the relationship with you was so intense and threatening, how come he was so casually unaffected by seeing you at the shared hobby and so completely uninterested in what affect his PDAs with his other girlfriend might have on you. You know, really, that you questioning how to manage your insecurity around his past behaviours is just going to result in you being hyper vigilant and unsettled and hyper focused on his every mood moving forwards, to keep yourself safe from his capricious behaviour. You'll always be on best behaviour and you will always ficus on keeping him happy and that is exactly what he wants out of this relationship. You already know all of this, and you'd see it with such clarity if he was doing this to your best mate. If he does last past initial fun stage, be prepared for a relationship where you will never put a foot wrong but if he is in a bad mood, it will be your job to manage and eventually all your fault. You'll focus on him and gradually empty yourself out. We've all seen it happen. You are worth so much more than this

You don't love him, you love the fantasy of him. The real him is the uncaring man who was able to walk away without a backwards glance when he fancied shagging your friend.

You do realise he will have been saying all the same things to her? Because that's his schtick. and he had the cheek to come out with 'it was moving so fast I got scared' - aaaaaw, the timid woodland creature that he is!

Even the 'vulnerability' is an act - actually especially the vulnerability is an act. It's like Ted Bundy snaring his victims by pretending to have a broken arm to evoke compassion and decrease suspicion.

Think about it - did it ever cross your mind to get with someone else when you were with him? And when it ended - how ready were you to hop into bed with someone else and plaster it over SM? When you love someone, that isn't how you behave. So he doesn't love you, he just says the words.

It's really hard to accept (I know, because I wasted way to many years with an arsehole like this), but you aren't special to him. Relationships with these types of people actually last as long as you are willing to tolerate being idolised, devalued and than discarded, over and over again. Because they always come back. It's any port in a storm, and the minute you have a disagreement, or you are anything less than new and shiny, he'll be back with her, or with someone else like her.

All you've done in taking him back is add yourself to his regular rotation.

You think this is his last chance, but you know how bad it was last time you split up? Next time is worse, because of the intermittent re-inforcement that has happened - it's increased your biochemical addiction to him.

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour - and that goes for both of you. This 'relationship' (because only you are truly in it) is doomed and will never make you happy. How long that unhappiness lasts is down to you.

Could you do it differently this time to help manage your own emotions - slow things down. Don't let it be intense. Give space and time away from one another.

Op it’s not love.

He gave you something you had been missing. Attention and affection. Then broke your heart. You are ‘in love’ with fantasy that he sold you in those 12 weeks (ish) which turned out not to be true. He quite happily hurt you and then moved on.

He then dated someone you know. He didn’t care about not hurting you then. And surprise, surprise a few months later got bored of her. He used her. Then got you back telling you she was nothing compared to you.

Why would you live a man who does that? Hurts you again and again, uses another woman, gets bored and then talks his time with her down to being pretty meaningless to try and hook you in again. It’s not ok. And you were flattered by him admitting he was using someone else because your self esteem is so low.

You do realise he probably said the same to her? That being with you was nothing compared to being with her?

i am going to guess it’s going to last longer this time. Because he has done it once. But he will do it again and be telling the next one, your relationship with him is nothing compared to theirs.

This man is lovebombing random women, getting a high from the intensity and then ditching them, and for some reason you feel like you’re the ‘different’ one. You aren’t. He clearly has history of doing this. Run, he sounds awful.

Op is up shit creek.. she has already lost one paddle. She is posting on here not to ask if she should throw out her last paddle, but to ask how to be okay when she does.

Listen to this

I wonder if one day that, you'll say that, you care
If you say you love me madly, I'll gladly
Be there
Like a puppet on a string
Love is just like a merry-go-round
With all the fun of a fair
One day I'm feeling down on the ground
Then I'm up in the air
Are you leading me on?
Tomorrow will you be gone?
I wonder if one day that, you'll say that, you care
If you say you love me madly, I'll gladly, be there
Like a puppet on a string
I may win on the roundabout
Then I'll lose on the swings
In or out, there is never a doubt
Just who's pulling the strings
I'm all tied up in you
But where's it leading me to?
I wonder if one day that, you'll say that, you care
If you say you love me madly, I'll gladly, be there
Like a puppet on a string
I wonder if one day that, you'll say that, you care
If you say you love me madly, I'll gladly, be there
Like a puppet on a string
Like a puppet on a...
String

......

Don't allow him to be your puppet master.

If you can’t relax and feel confident then I feel really sorry for you. That’s not a happy relationship that’s a noose tightening around your neck. Every time his phone pings and he takes it out the room with him, every time he doesn’t text you back right away, when a new woman starts at his work... you’ll never know. If you can’t trust him it’s nothing. You could have the most perfect day together but if the next day he goes home and you’re left wondering if he’s having that same perfect day with someone else then what is the point?

In what way did you 'not let him back lightly'? Other than telling him how much it hurt you when he dumped you for this other woman-which really just tells him how much you are willing to put up with in order to be with him. What did you make him do, to get you back?

This. I think you'll look back on this and cringe OP.

I had a very similar intense thing in my 20s which went much the same way, total love bombing stuff but eventually he went back to an ex and I was utterly heartbroken. It didn't work out with the ex so back he came and so began the cycle. I was infatuated with him, I have never felt that sort of intensity with anyone, including my husband (because we had a lovely, 'everyone's on the same page, no games' start to our relationship).

The thing is, these people love the intense start to a relationship and everything that comes with that, but then they get bored and off they go, citing all sorts of meaningless excuses. And you get your heart broken over and over again.

It took me a long time to get over it and I wasn't really the same for a long time afterwards. All told it went on for a couple of years.

You say it's 'one chance' but I'm not stupid and I ended up giving several 'last chances' - these men have a way of making you believe them. Just don't do it, I honestly don't think you will end up living happily ever after with this guy. I cringe when I think about how I carried on at the time and how little respect I had for myself.

You dated for 3 months and when he dumped you you needed time off work? Okay, I’d say that’s quite an extreme reaction. This guy obviously has a strong effect on you and your emotions. Not in a good way. If someone dumps you after three months you shouldn’t be feeling as if a family member has died levels of sadness.

And now you’re putting yourself in a position where that might happen again. Why? Do you not realise there are plenty of fun and lovely guys out there who don’t mess women about, play games and stomp on their hearts?

Please please please move on from this man.

Honestly, I cringe at what the participants in your hobby must be thinking about these two female friends being conned by a total twat.

If it doesn't work he will blame you. It will be because you can't move on from what happened.

You'll believe what you want to believe, but it's clear he's just playing the field. He came back to you because he was bored. If you meant something, he never would half left.

Well he has a pattern of behaviour so don't be shocked when he drops you for someone else in a few months. Why does It all need to be so intense aswell? You keep talking about loving the bones of him and all of this but it doesn't sound like you've even been together that long and he was with someone else a couple of months ago!

Ok, so I am going to ignore the leaving you for someone else but for now as I assume you want this relationship to work. I think that there is (potentially) nothing wrong with people being somewhat flexible in the early days. So let’s focus on where you are right now emotionally.
I do, unfortunately, know exactly how you feel and it takes time to rebuild trust. We had a little wobble at the beginning of our relationship and my partner left me very unexpectedly three months after we started dating. Something minor happened, we talked through it and everything seemed fine. He kissed me good bye and left to work in another city for a few days promising to see me on Wednesday. On Tuesday he called me, told me this isn’t working for him and then refused to meet or talk about it again. It was a horrible way to break up because I felt we had complete trust and openness in the relationship. There was no other woman involved but it felt like a betrayal because he made me feel everything was OK just to go and dump me two days later. On the PHONE! Thank god it wasn’t a text.
We got back together after three weeks. He’s been nothing but kind and supportive since but it took me a whole year before I felt safe again. I went through the craziness of second-guessing everything he does, suspecting he was cheating.. the whole crazy lot. BUT, rather than give into it, I always knew that I feel that way because of what happened in the past and not because something dodgy is going on NOW. Counselling helped, some CBT strategies of questioning the foundation of my thoughts, some compassion-focused therapy exercises. Luckily, I have some relevant training. What also helped was his patience and genuine willingness to work through it together and realisation that the way he did things was wrong.
We worked very hard together and, luckily, came out stronger on the other end.

He will do it again so by all means crack on and inflict more pain on yourself if that’s what you want. Your version of ‘love’ and his are different. Love to him means shagging other women and making a great show of faux regret that you believe.

I think you should take it one day at a time and try to be happy with him because you love him.

Always be honest and build trust but this happens over time when he proves to you he is trustworthy so hang in there.

Good luck x

To answer the question of “will you ever be able to relax and not spend your life waiting for it to happen again”, no I don’t think you will.
I think what happened will have you panic at every change in behaviour or mood, will make you question your own sanity and cause you to be in a constant state of stress.
Even if he’s being completely honest about everything, it almost doesn’t matter. Youl always be watching and waiting for him to hurt you again.

Is he ashamed and incensed by how he treated the woman he dated after you - using her while he was constantly thinking about you. Or was she just collateral damage, a body to be used in his warped romantic saga?

You can do a lot better

How about a compromise? You are going to keep on seeing him anyway by the sounds of it, so in the meantime might you avail yourself of some very good therapy on your own and work through your underlying concerns, hurts, fears and aspirations? And I don't mean just around him - far from it. You could go back to your family life growing up and unpick what you learned about how relationships work and how you learned to fit in, and how your desires, values and boundaries formed.

You are right OP you can’t choose how feel. You CAN choose how you act in response to those feelings.

You can also choose what to believe. You have CHOSEN to believe he has learned, he is genuine and his crocodile tears are indicative of true love. However, this is only because it’s what you WANT to believe.

And because it has no bearing on the reality of the situation, deep down you know it. And therefore that niggling feeling will remain until the inevitable.

Run. Fast. He is an arsehole.