To forgive him and try again

Yikes! All of this intensity after a three-month dalliance?! It really wouldn't be for me at all but I value my peace of mind above everything. And if a man didn't recognise all of the things I bring to the table, he'd be an absolute mug. And I wouldn't be interested in an absolute mug.
You could say to him that you want some time of your own to process things and clear your head (which it sounds like you really need) and will meet up with him in three months time and see how you both feel.
If he tries to get you to change your mind or keeps pressuring you...red flag.
If he meets yet another person in that time and has yet another intense relationship...red flag.
I'm not sure how you've got yourself feeling so intensely about someone about such a short space of time. Is he very good at drawing people in or are you desperate for a partner?

He said the other girl was nothing like us, he never said he loved her etc, she was just there but he was thinking of me the whole time. I know that sounds cliche

Ick. Is this the script from a bad 90s room-com? You’re being a mug OP. Raise your standards.

he’s ended it with her - are you absolutely sure he ended it with her and not the other way round?

Because if she dumped him he is just bed hopping right now to anything available. I think this will crash and burn. He is telling you everything you want to hear right now and you are falling for it. I hope it works out but I have doubts.

Sounds like you were very over invested; 3 months and a week off work with heartbreak, love like no other? you sound as daft as him.

Most likely he dumped you for her and only came back because it didn't work out.
I wouldn't of given another chance knowing he'd moved on to someone else that also didn't last long, you dont finish with someone when you're in love and it's intense, it's a rubbish lie, he's the type that gets quickly bored after the first few months, I doubt very much it will be a long term relationship.

In Feb something changed

He’d already started making moves on the other woman from your hobby group.

A week later he hooked up with someone else from our shared hobby

Nope, they’d already at minimim been texting, flirting, meeting up for a few weeks before they ‘hooked up’.

Ask him about the overlap between you and her, see what he says.

Good luck. I think you'll need it.

This can't possibly work.

You don't 'try to forgive' someone, you either do or you don't.

If you can't get past his (incredibly shitty) previous behaviour, I'd think it's for a (good) reason and accept it's not going to work.

@WoopsLiza has a really important post that bears reading and re-reading.

What a liar! How can you not see that? He threw her under the bus so fast—do you not realize he made the same speeches to both of you and will say the same thing to the next woman? This is an incredibly narcissistic and shallow person who loves to play at being deep.

It's not a question of forgiveness IMHO. It's a question of trust. Will you always be wondering if he'll change his mind yet again.

I'm quite certain that you cannot.

You'll always be wondering if he's going to do it again.

I'm very sorry you're in this situation. It's so difficult to extract ourselves when we're in love.

I would like to know what he was saying to the other lady about you, during the three months he was dating her and having sex with her. That would be very illuminating.

Try to let go OP. Give yourself more value than this. But I know it's hard, and I doubt if you'll be able to end things with him.

I truly wish you well.

We all do mad things for love = our hearts eat all kind of lies when they’re hungry.

Tell him you need a bit of time and space to heal from the hurt he caused you. If he’s the great guy and love of your life that you believe him to be, he’ll wait because he will want to do what’s right for you.

FWIW, none of the blokes I’ve thought I’ve loved after three months and a break up is the person I’m now married to.

He won’t leave you again @Mumof3MasterofNone . The first time was just a test to see what shit you’d put up with and still take him back. Now he knows you’ll have him even though he said he loved you then instantly went off to date your friend and could rub that in your face constantly. He doesn’t need to leave you now, he’ll just start building on shitty behaviour over time.

Your username suggests you have three children, are they young? Is this the sort of man you’d want around them in the coming years?

Of course you can help how you feel!
If you are looking at the same information you’ve shared with us, then he’s not a very nice person and doesn’t deserve your time and attention. He’s behaved badly to two women, left them struggling at work and socially.

You aren’t a child at the mercy of feelings you can’t control, neither is he. You are both making active choices, his to mess with women, yours to put up with it.

The red flag is waving wildly at you, why are you choosing not to look at it?

Take some responsibility and have a happier life as a result. Floating about while he picks you up and puts you down is not going to bring you happiness.

This is extremely intense for someone you dated for only 3 months! Like literally just WEEKS!! Honestly, I think you know you're being a fool but I don't think you're going to listen to anyone until he does it again anyway. Good luck.

This is really good advice @Mumof3MasterofNone.

It is understandable if he felt things were getting too intense and split with you and had some time to reflect on the relationship.

But in your words he hooked up with another woman only a week later and was soon declaring undying love with her!

Most people when they split up with someone even if they instigated the split, need time for themselves and don't find another partner the following week! That indicates complete callousness.

He doesn't know what he really wants but what he doesn't like is being alone.

So when the relationship with this other woman fizzled out he was soon back to bed hopping hoping you'd let him back beneath the covers.

Just block him on absolutely everything.

He has 100% shown you EXACTLY who he is.

You are very foolish.
You want round two of the heartbreak of dating a selfish prick, you are going to get it.

You have shown him he can treat you like shit on his shoe and STILL reel you in for another round.

You can't say you are surprised when it happens again.

Clearly your gut is trying to warn you.

We all do mad things for love

No, we don't. Love is an emotion, a wash of chemicals over your brain. Emotions can be controlled, they don't have to control you.

Your mind is screaming at you that this relationship is wrong, that he's going to hurt you, that you're better off out of it. Why on earth are you ignoring your rational mind for the sake of an endorphin rush?

If you feel it’s worth the risk to open yourself up to potential heartbreak again have you thought of setting clear boundaries with him. What’s acceptable to you and what isn’t? Is he working towards gaining your trust and being consistent in doing what he says he’s going to do? Do his actions match his words and is he going at a pace that’s better for you? Like everything only time will tell. It’s a horrible feeling wanting someone so badly feeling like they could let you down any moment but you’re too afraid to leave in case you’re making a monumental mistake. I do believe people can change but only if they want to. Only if they acknowledge what they have done and the impact it’s had and will do anything for as long as it takes to make things right. Does he have a history of this behaviour I wonder and is he remorseful?

To answer your question @Mumof3MasterofNone will you ever get over this, will you ever be able to trust him again? Well you can get there, like maybe even 99 percent of the way there, but you will never ever be 100 percent, no matter w
what he says or what he does you will never ever be completely and utterly secure in this relationship however long it should last. Next time another woman seems to take a shine to him and he turns his head you will be on tenter hooks, you will always wonder, you will always worry even if it’s just a niggle you push to the back of your mind it will always always be there because you now know exactly what he is capable of!

Look I don’t want to piss on your chips here, maybe it was all a huge mistake, maybe it was too intense and he got scared or whatever and then realised he couldn’t be without you, but you have even said it yourself that you know the odds are against this. Sometimes you just have to see something through even if you know it’s likely to end in disaster, I can understand that. The fact that you have this perspective on things tells me that you know deep down that this won’t end well for you, yet the memories of how good he made you feel the first time means that frankly you don’t care. That’s fine, you are a grown woman and you can make your own choices good or bad, just prepare yourself, this man is like a drug and you are deep in the fog, so please just try to remember to protect yourself and your heart.

I'm in a similar situation. On round 3. Last time i blocked on everything and he came begging. I'm now enjoying our time but no longer trust so if he leaves again that's it.

@Mumof3MasterofNone the only way for you to forgive him and feel secure in the relationship is to give it time. It's not something you can force or take a shortcut. He has to prove over time that he's not going to let you down again before your head will start to believe it.

So take things very slowly. Don't let things get intense like they were before. Don't let him love bomb you - step back a bit, don't be too available to him, maintain your friendships and interests outside the relationship. Don't let this relationship assume so much importance in your life. If he's the kind of person who is hooked on the chase, addicted to the short term thrill, then he'll lose interest when you refuse to respond to this.