To wonder if “friend” is right and people are judging me (disability)

Eh, who gives a toss what she thinks, opinions are like arseholes- everyone has one.

Never ever allow someone to plant a negative thought like that in your mind, dont water it and feed it. This is about her and her small mindedness. Dig it up and toss it on the compost heap.

She doesnt speak for everyone as this thread has shown OP - you're fine x

Blimey, there is a lot of bitchiness around at the moment! What with the one you encountered and the gym bitch (on another post), they must be very unhappy people.

Your dh is right and you are right he is a keeper. Real friends support you no matter what. You better without her. I've a friend with fibo and I pop to see her when she's got good days. When she's got bad day I text her funny things I know make her laugh. She kind, funny and been supportive of me in other ways. Fibo is awful and of top of the epilepsy you going through a hard time. Have you asked for a medication review at the gp to try and control the epilepsy Abit better (we've a family member with epilepsy).

All of this. People need to mind their own!

She was incredibly cruel. One of the hardest things I had to deal with was that the "bright successful future" working hard and full time that was envisaged when I was younger was snatched from me as I was on the path.

She's a complete bitch. I wonder how long she would last having to live your life? Forget about her. You've got a keeper of a husband, though. How refreshing.

What you should take from this is how bloody lovely your husband is.
Forget about her and her "everyone" judges you. Some people are stupid enough to envy those who can't work because of disabilities. Too stupid to realise that life isn't a picnic and given the choice, you'd rather lose your medical conditions and be able to work.
You are well rid of her and daft opinions!

It’s fantastic that you have managed to find a job that works for you and allows you to balance your needs.

I would hope someone who works for a disability charity is also aware that everyone is different - just because one person can work doesn’t mean everyone can.

Also worth noting that there arent an infinite amount of jobs that let you work when you can from your bed!

If I knew you I’d recognise that you have two significant health conditions that place restrictions on what you can do. (Because I’m not an ignorant idiot like your friend).
Regarding the London trip, I’d be glad you managed to get there. I’d feel sorry for you that you couldn’t do more and had to stay at the hotel. But I’d totally understand why.

I can hardly believe such utter nastiness came out of the mouth of a guest in your home! What gave her the right to deliver such foul comments🤷🏻‍♀️. And she in her arrogance thought you needed to hear what she had to say. I’ve never heard anything approaching this lack of civility.

Try and focus past this incident, how lovely your husband is so supportive.

People who say things like that are unhappy with their lives. Ignore her and you do you.

Don't lose any more sleep over her. She really isn't worth it. I've been unable to work for health reasons a couple of times in my life. I don't think the decent people do judge this negatively. And yes, your husband is great. Definitely give him the Mumsnet Good Bloke Award from us.

Cleaners childminders and nurseries cost money.

Money that the OP may not have.

I also do not work for medical reasons. I worked for 20 years but after a severe accident I am now not able.

Some people are not able to work. That is the way it is.

There are people who don't have much experience of disability who are happy to
Say that anyone who doesn't work is lazy.

I'm surprised to see someone who has significant disability experience call a disabled person lazy for not working.

I’m concerned about all the “my husband says” remarks, though. Can you not think for yourself, on any topic?

You are not well enough to work. Some people may judge you, but those are people who don't understand your condition and the implications on your health. Try not to fret about them - what can you do?

Ad for the "friend" your DH is awesome and 100% right about her. What a bitter, jealous, toxic BITCH.

I am astounded that someone who says that they work for a national disability charity can be so cruel and ignorant and judgemental about people in council housing.

Conditions can vary vastly from person to person. The OP has severe epilepsy and fibromyalgia. Both of these conditions can require a lot of rest to recover from flare ups. It is so unpredictable that there wouldn't be many suitable jobs that could be done in the odd few hours when she is feeling ok. Besides this she needs to be as good as she can be for her young child. She has her priorities right.

In the long term maybe her epilepsy will become more controlled and her fibromyalgia will flare up less often enabling her to consider getting a suitable job. Being pressured to do it now would probably set her back even more.

You and your DH know your true situation regarding you health. You are the ones that live with it and you are the ones that know how to manage your lives around it. No one else knows and no one else has the right to interfere or judge .

Who does that person think she is? It is none of her business. She is not a friend.

Your DH sounds wonderful. With his support you are living the best life you can. You both know that and no one else's opinion matters.

That’s exactly it. As soon as I read it I knew it and then you did a second post. Jealousy is a terrible thing but it’s not excuse. Just because she can’t get pregnant there’s no excuse for her behaviour.

I’ve got epilepsy and I’m pretty sure some people judge me. I just have to let it go because the people closest to me know how it affects me. I’m also wiped out (and sometimes injured) following a seizure, so if I have to cancel something then that’s just the way it goes 🤷‍♀️

What a nasty piece of work. She may be jealous of you being able to have a child but her behaviour was inexcusable.

I have fibromyalgia and am also a full time carer for my DH. If I hadn't been a carer I would have found it very difficult to hold down a "proper" job due to the fluctuations in my condition. It makes me very unreliable and I have to keep cancelling and changing plans because because of flare ups. As it is my poor DH sometimes has to wait hours to be fed and washed if I am having a bad day but he is very understanding.

I can imagine how hard life must be for you when you add epilepsy and a small child into the mix. Anyone who judges you for not working is an ignorant idiot who doesn't deserve your friendship.

Your DH sounds wonderful. Save your good days for him and your child not some theoretical job that this "friend" thinks you should have.

I agree that people do judge, that’s human nature, they come to conclusions influenced by their experiences, world-view and personality.

You’ve judged that she may have hurt leading to jealousy and a wish to lash out and make you hurt.

You’ve judged from a place of wanting to understand her, which imo is a positive place.

From what you’ve posted she’s perhaps judged from a place of wanting to deflect her hurt onto you which is a destructive place to start from.

You don’t know how your other friends have judged you - it could be a positive understanding of how hard things are for you so I’d try not to dwell on it.

What others’ think of us might come to light someday, and it could be very hurtful - but it also has a good chance of being very caring.

Your husband sounds supportive, and you sound like you know your health capabilities and limitations and are making the best of it.

Worrying about what other people think is hard to let go of being also just human nature, but having the positive view that her judgement is more born of her own circumstances than yours is the best you can do.

The notion that people can leap from incapable of work to capable without some intervening stage of increased recovery is ludicrous, as is that intelligence should somehow have protected you from epilepsy or fibromyalgia

Wow, she sounds horrible!

And she also sounds very jealous. Why else would she throw her big house in your face?

You must have something (or things) that she wishes she had and feels entitled to. It's interesting that she said you were the clever one at school.

No wonder you feel winded. That was a very unpleasant scene. Poor you! Just think how nasty you have to be to attack someone who has health issues like that. I'm actually really shocked. She has done you a massive favour, though. You never have to see her again as long as you live.

Go and do something nice for yourself. Internet-stranger hugs to you xxxx

I'm in a similar boat OP, I can't work because of a health condition but often find myself telling people I don't work because I'm a SAHM which is also true but the not working pre-dates the kids.

As someone who has also been through the trials and tribulations of infertility I would say your husband is pretty spot on. I was very sure not to say anything openly but I did end up holding onto a lot of resentment for my friends with children - entirely my own issue of course and nothing to do with their characters. It sounds like your friend is unable to let go of that bitterness and is taking it out on you. Can't help but feel a bit sorry for her but she's definitely not someone you want in your life if she's going to act like this and be so hurtful with her words.

Also, intelligence at school has very little to do with your likelihood to get a big house in a 'nice' area in my experience!

Don't worry about it. Your true friends wouldn't judge you; opposite, would feel compassion for you for being so young and having such illnesses. Anyone who knows of those illnesses would know that it would be very hard to have a steady job.

I have a friend who has chronic issues after an accident, she's still young and won't ever be able to work full time, only minimal part time. I'd never judge her, she's been through enough and only wish she can find happiness despite her circumstances. However, this same friend told me other of her friends were jealous and judgy after the accident. She gave up those bad "friendships".

What a nasty piece of work she is, no loss there. And well done to your DH for calling her out and having your back, in this and in life.

Not that you need any of our validation but you have 2 serious health conditions and have prioritised keeping the little strength you have for family life. That's far more important to your DS than living in a big house or seeing you struggle to work.

She likely gossips about everyone to stir. I expect there is maybe one other bitch, which is her idea of validation that "someone needs to tell her" - no way everyone would think this of someone in your situation with your conditions. Well she's got herself a story now from your DH - wonder how she will spin this one! Maybe get ahead and tell anyone who's opinion you care about the true version of events. Her nastiness also needs to be outed to warn others as she won't just be bitching about you.

It's human nature to judge, however it's also human decency to keep your opinions to yourself where they are unkind and unhelpful. I behave as a decent person even though I admit I sometimes make unkind judgements - but I keep them in my head. I have a friend in a similar situation to you and sometimes I have caught myself make a judgement about how she deals with her family/home but then remind myself I only see the better days and don't experience her reality which is clearly tough. But I NEVER say anything to her, or bitch about it behind her back. I don't envy that she doesn't work which it sounds like this stupid woman does.

In short you are well rid. And it is lovely to hear how quickly and effectively your DH dealt with it!