To wonder if “friend” is right and people are judging me (disability)

It’s really, really hard to live with fear of others’/societal judgment. I’m sorry you didn’t sleep last night, I hope you can rest today and that it doesn’t make you ill. Can you look for a counsellor or therapist? Expensive but you’re worth it if you can find the money. And/or the book a pp mentioned, talking to your real friends and your husband. To try to let go of others’ opinions.

You know you’re doing your best, that’s all that matters. You also have a solid wanker-filter: if you had the job and big house this awful woman might not have revealed her awfulness and you might still be hanging out with her.

i’ve a friend and a family member who can’t work: I wish they were well. I’m glad they don’t have to work on top of all their pain and disabilities, though I wish they had the option of something really flexible and very part time and interesting to give them another dimension to life and more money, but I don’t value them based on their ability or lack of to do paid work. One of them is a mum too, and she gives her all to that, which is work too, even if most of us are lucky to have capacity for paid work on top.

Wishing you a good laugh very soon with your real friends, OP, and a good day with your husband and child, and the strength to shrug off others’ opinions. 💐

Your ‘friend’ sounds awful and probably jealous of the fact you have a child, however your husband sounds great.

You have a great husband. And you're very wise for putting your health and wellness first by stopping work. No job is worth that. Well done for having the clarity to realise that. Your 'friend' is deeply unpleasant, as is anyone who holds those views. Don't live your life guessing what other people think though, just get on with your own life and if peoples nasty opinions come to the surface than show them the door.

Where are these work from home jobs with no experience? I'm also sure those jobs have fixed hours too and you couldn't just work when you can?

I judge you to have a quality husband and excellent decision making skills. She sounds like she has found to her cost that the big house doesn’t count for much if you don’t like your life.

You and your DH sound like a brilliant team. I think your life will be much better without that woman in it.

Also it will free up space for nicer friends.

What an awful friend! So glad you are cutting her loose. One of my very close friends has epilepsy and doesn't work but I don't judge, if it's easier for her not to work then so be it, we have other things in common aside from work. Your hubby sounds amazing, what a guy! I can only dream that my DP would defend me like that if he ever had to.

I wasn't judging or being goady. Just putting across a point of view.

Anyone who truly knows and cares for you will not judge because you are obviously in a difficult position health wise, plus it's nobody's business whether one partner stays at home out of choice! I also have fibromyalgia and it flares with stress in particular, i manage it partly by work only part time despite my kids being adults.

She presents as relatively well because she manages her condition by resting for the day and a half, while others enjoyed themselves and finishing the night early. Compared to people her own age, she is debilitated. I could say that if she threw work into the mix, then the trip wouldn't have happened because she'd be using leave to rest. But no employer will work around seizures. Their occupational health would insist on terminating the employment.

These threads always show that most people don't have a clue on living with chronic conditions. There are enough documentaries and personal stories about that it is easy to educate yourself.

She does sound quite intensely nasty.

He sounds very special.

And I don't believe anyone with any empathy judges someone e we it’s a serious and life threatening condition like epilepsy. It is perfectly acceptable to be a stay at home mum, with it without epilepsy. You are right to focus on the people who love and support you.

Sorry didn’t read full thread and that’s not a friend! Your husband did/does your proud.

LOL at the poster who thinks epilepsy is psychosomatic.

Interesting that the nasty bitch could not name one person who agreed with her. That’s because there isn’t any. She’s the one doing the judging, and if she ever experienced a seizure she’d change her mind sharpish.

Good on your DH for not putting up with her bullshit. Don’t dwell on what she said, she simply wanted to hurt you. There was no friendship in her, in the bin she goes.

I guess that was kind of my point. Presenting as relatively well whilst with her friends is likely to skew their opinions when op reports that she is debilitated for much of the time.

Do you not think it's horrifying that we expect people with disabilities to work in bed rather than supporting them adequately in this country? I assume this is something your employer campaigns on!

It being an average of 3 a day doesn't mean that everyday someone will have seizures everyday.

You have 20 seizures a week, and you were able to go to London, for the weekend? That is an average of 3 per day. Perhaps your friends feel you're over egging things if over that weekend, you didnt have any?

@Lose6pounds you think that epilepsy is a psychosomatic disorder?
@thelonelyones the OP has 20 seizures a week, there's no way to make reasonable adjustments around those. Being a wheelchair user, having cancer etc doesn't really compare. You can use childminders etc but why would you go to work to spend all your wages on outside help, while having no quality of life and it being incredibly damaging to your child? The DH would have to do even more and working would take everything, so no relationship would happen. I don't know what you do but you shouldn't be advising people who have epilepsy. There are conditions that you can't work around and that's why disability benefits were introduced. Do you think that you can function while having a seizure and immediately after?

Sadly everyone judges .in my role ww have to do a 2 day subconscious bias course to help us realise and manage it.
What was she expecting you to do with the information?

What your friend said wasn’t nice but of course people judge others for all kinds of things - their house, the area they live, how they parent, their job and especially not working as it’s frowned upon. Fibromyalgia has psychological causes so is probably judged more than other disabilities because of that sadly. I think encouraging you to work towards going back to work and wanting you to fulfil your potential is valid. However your friend should be doing that in a supportive way, not bringing you down.

Your DH did absolutely the right thing.

Her comments say a lot about her. Is she jealous you have a DC and a fabulous, supportive DH?

Sadly, I fear something will befall her and she'll understand ill health very soon. I'm not wishing it on her, but I find this happens when people are that oddly outspoken about something they don't understand or appreciate.

I do hope you are taking hemp cbd capsules, they help reduce the pain my step daughter suffers due to fibro.

Apologies I have no exp with epilepsy. Maybe someone could suggest a good supplement that may help.

Do not fret about what others think they have zero idea what youre going through.

I hope the seizures reduce, stress will only add to your illheath so sending positive energy your way x

It is so hard coping with your epilepsy and fibro already, you don't need vile people like that in yojr life. I hope she's at home feeling ashamed of what she said and your DH is amazing the way he defended you (I'd be extremely proud of him). I think when tou have a long term condition you do feel judged I definitely do I have a condition where some days I need my stick others I can walk ok (but painfully) I feel like everytime I leave the house with or without my stick I'm being judged but in reality I doubt anyone really takes much notice at all it's just how makes me.feel.

Pity the people who have to put up with this friend as you don’t have to any more.
I totally get your situation, mine is similar in that I can no longer work in the traditional sense due to long term conditions. It took me a long time to get used to the fact as before I became ill I saw myself as a high-flyer. So it was my ego that was hurt as well - giving up my lovely home to move back into my teenage bedroom was an absolute joy…
I do know this - the friends I lost who judged me are long gone. My DH proposed to me knowing me as I am now. He works FT, I am at home and like you I try to keep in top of the house. My old life meant a good day if I got a promotion. Now it’s if I’ve managed to clean the bathroom. Like you, if we do manage to get a break I am often in the hotel room.
It is not what I wanted for myself, I’m lucky in that I do a bit of WFH when I can. I have a few wonderful friends who absolutely support me. And I’ve realised in life that’s all you need.
As for your friend I hope nothing happens to her health and she’s left wondering if people are talking about her.
And she’s lying by telling you ‘people’ are talking. If friends know of your conditions as you’ve explained to posters on here, they will absolutely understand.
She was just being vile and I’m thrilled your DH literally showed her the door.
I am so sorry your body goes through so much every day. However, the less stress you have the better. Having a few key people in your life who love you means you are doing very well indeed.
Who cares what you were meant to be at school? Saying that at least your ‘friend’ has been consistent - horrible then, and even worse now!