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Original poster

To wonder if “friend” is right and people are judging me (disability)

166 replies

Redgreenfroggy · 04/08/2024 05:13

This has been on my mind all night and I can’t sleep

in a nut shell I have epilepsy, was diagnosed at 21, had to give up work for a year while I got to grips with the seizures that were never controlled dispite different treatments, medications etc.

I managed to go back to work after a year. 6 years later after having about 2 years of pain I was dignosed with fibromyalgia. The symptoms of this aggravated my epilepsy such as tiredness and pain and I ended up having up to 20 seizures a week, some grand mal and some small.

2 years ago I gave up work as my fibro was bad and I was still having up to 20 seizures a week and went on esa and pip. I was spending the time I was not working sleeping or crying in pain. I was not able to do things with my son and DH. DH was taking full responsibility for the house dispite working full time (he never complained). It just got to a point where I was either working, sleeping, recovering from seizures or in terrible pain. Work was becoming impossible and they were making moves to get rid of me on health grounds as I was having so much time off.

Now I am still having as many seizures and am in pain but I do manage to do some house work and get out and about with my husband and little boy. I feel removing work from the equation means I am less tired and not in as much pain. When I increase my levels of doing stuff the pain gets worse so I need to plan that if I am really busy one day the next day I am likely to be wiped out the next day or even a couple of days. I also seem to get more intense seizures with the pain and tiredness increase that take longer to recover from.

A friend came round today that I have known since high school and to tell you the truth if we met now we would not be friends as we have very little in common. She asked when I would be going back to work. I said at the moment I have no plans to but in the future maybe. She then said everyone judges me behind my back. My DH who overheard asked her who is judging me, when she did not name anyone he asked if she judged me. When she said yes DH asked her to leave.

As she left she said that I was the clever one at school and it should be me with the big house in a posh area instead of her and it’s a shame my son has to live on a half council estate. (Our area is about half council and half privately owned). My husband said she was a nasty bitch and i am worth a million of her. She was then out the door and my husband slammed it behind her. I will never talk to her again. Her husband is a friend of my DHs unfortunately but he said he is willing to let the friendship go if he has to same stupid opinions as his wife.

I am not worried those people I think of as friends are judging me. I don’t have any joint friends with her. My husband said my real friends will never judge but I just feel like I have had the wind taken out of me.

OP posts:
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XenoBitch · 08/08/2024 18:35

Ponoka7 · 08/08/2024 18:33

Yes but they were seperate to epilepsy. She describes the psychosomatic as non epileptic seizures and is keen to point out that they are still medical in base.

Show quote history

A seizure is a seizure.. still debilitating... and writing them off as psychosomatic - something "in your head" is almost blaming anyone with them for not trying hard enough to prevent them.
In any case, OP was asking about if her friend is s knob (yes!) for judging her... she was not after advice on her seizures.

Ponoka7 · 08/08/2024 18:33

Lose6pounds · 04/08/2024 09:01

@Ponoka7 i read in the neurologist Suzanne O Sullivan’s book that roughly 25% of seizures are psychosomatic in nature

Yes but they were seperate to epilepsy. She describes the psychosomatic as non epileptic seizures and is keen to point out that they are still medical in base.

Katemax82 · 04/08/2024 19:35

Why the hell would any sane person judge a person with your health issues for not working??? That's awful, ignore this batch your best off without her

LaurieFairyCake · 04/08/2024 17:43

So sad to read this, I just didn't know it was possible to have seizures that didn't respond to medication Flowers

Your husbands a good 'un, your ex-mate's a massive Cunt

velvetcoat · 04/08/2024 15:48

Redgreenfroggy · 04/08/2024 14:29

DH has also just told me that my friends DH used to fancy me like mad and made comments to my DH (then boyfriend) that I was out of his league.

I asked why DH put up with that and he grinned and said “I was the one who had you and he was the one who wanted you” He then started going out with my friend.

There you go then. We all said it was about her and now you know why!!

PinkyPonkyLittleDonkey · 04/08/2024 15:43

This bit of info adds an interesting twist. She’s definitely jealous.

PinkyPonkyLittleDonkey · 04/08/2024 15:41

Chipsahoy · 04/08/2024 14:48

You have every reason not to work. I don’t work and I’m physically capable of working. Haven’t worked in 6 yrs because I don’t want to and we can afford for me not to. Honestly I suspect I’m judged.
I cannot comprehend why anyone would judge you. Your friend is no friend. Sounds like she’s actually jealous of you.

I stopped working as soon as I was engaged. My dream was to be a housewife and my husband is a wonderful, kind man who was / is very happy to have a traditional family set-up. Each to their own and whatever works for you, your family and circumstances.

PinkyPonkyLittleDonkey · 04/08/2024 15:39

NewGreenDuck · 04/08/2024 14:41

You have a chronic, lifelong condition and I fully understand why you aren't working. In fact, working would be detrimental to your health. I certainly would not judge you for that. And, along with others, I think she is jealous. And your DH is a great bloke. Hope that has made him blush a bit more. Carry on with your life as it is, in the future things might be better, new meds might appear and control the seizures, but until that day, enjoy each day with your family.

Beautifully said.

Thepurplecar · 04/08/2024 15:32

Sweetteaplease · 04/08/2024 05:23

Well it sounds you have a genuine reason not to work so who cares what anyone thinks. And good on your DH for telling her where to go

As opposed to the 'non-genuine' reasons eh?

Who decides what's genuine, or do we all get a say? Oh goody.

Let's hope all these non-working disabled people have the education and capacity to present a well thought out, reasoned argument - that's how we identify the 'genuine' ones from the scroungers isn't it?

Chipsahoy · 04/08/2024 14:48

You have every reason not to work. I don’t work and I’m physically capable of working. Haven’t worked in 6 yrs because I don’t want to and we can afford for me not to. Honestly I suspect I’m judged.
I cannot comprehend why anyone would judge you. Your friend is no friend. Sounds like she’s actually jealous of you.

NewGreenDuck · 04/08/2024 14:41

You have a chronic, lifelong condition and I fully understand why you aren't working. In fact, working would be detrimental to your health. I certainly would not judge you for that. And, along with others, I think she is jealous. And your DH is a great bloke. Hope that has made him blush a bit more. Carry on with your life as it is, in the future things might be better, new meds might appear and control the seizures, but until that day, enjoy each day with your family.

Original poster
Redgreenfroggy · 04/08/2024 14:29

DH has also just told me that my friends DH used to fancy me like mad and made comments to my DH (then boyfriend) that I was out of his league.

I asked why DH put up with that and he grinned and said “I was the one who had you and he was the one who wanted you” He then started going out with my friend.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 04/08/2024 14:29

You two sound lovely and happy with the life you’ve chosen. Ignore the haters. My guess is she’s jealous.

Original poster
Redgreenfroggy · 04/08/2024 14:25

I have told my DH about the praise on here for him and he blushed bright red and said he is sure he can be an arsehole sometimes to me. I told him he drives me mad at times as I am sure I do to him but he has never really been an arsehole towards me at any time.

He admits he got a bit frustrated with the state of the house when I worked as he felt it was getting on top of us both and he may have shown it at times. He did at times but I knew he was frustrated with the situation and not at me. It was him who pushed me to give up work so I can do more family stuff and look after myself more.

OP posts:
Beth216 · 04/08/2024 14:25

You husband sounds like a star! With friends like her who needs enemies?

StormingNorman · 04/08/2024 14:19

You are certainly not being unreasonable to put your health and your family above work.

As someone in a similar boat, we are only too aware of how our health impacts on our career potential and it doesn’t help when other people make nasty comments.

You and your husband are on the same page. Nobody else really gets an opinion.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/08/2024 14:16

No I wouldn't judge you at all. I dont underatand how anyone could judge another human for something that is in no way their fault. I would however completely judge your 'friend' for being nasty ans horrible

StormingNorman · 04/08/2024 14:15

I’m a little bit in love with your husband ❤️

Readingallthetime · 04/08/2024 14:12

@orangeleopard so glad you cut her off!! I imagine if she spent a week experiencing your levels of pain she'd be in shock.

orangeleopard · 04/08/2024 14:03

I had a very situation with a ‘friend’ and had to cut her off. People like this are not your friend. I’m disabled in severe chronic pain and a single parent to a four year old. Because of my pain, I cannot work - despite wanting to. I live in a council flat and have to rely on benefits to due to my situation. My ‘friend’ would always snear her nose up at me and make snide comments about my situation. She would tell me I’m not exercising enough (I’m in severe pain and I’m a size 4/6 so it’s not like I’m overweight). She would tell me that people like me is why she pays so much tax and whilst I get to live the life I live she can’t. She would tell me that she works long hours and works hard whilst I get to ‘sit at home’. She would say the fact that I get to live in a home ‘paid’ for me whilst she cannot afford to move out of her parents (she can, she just spends her money on holidays, theatres, concerts, eating out, clothes etc). She would make other vile comments towards me, knowing full well how bad my chronic pain was and how badly I would love to work (I worked full time prior to my health declining and was thriving in the job). She made me feel awful every time I spoke to her, and it was like I was ashamed about who I was because she was ashamed of me. I cut her off, I wish I done it better and explained to her what an awful, evil human being she is - so she couldn’t do it to another friend. But instead I ‘ghosted’ her and my life is so much better. You don’t need people who put you down, or degrade who you are and the life you live. People like this obviously have so little worth in their own selves that they project onto other people.

Carebearsonmybed · 04/08/2024 13:57

Disability discrimination is rife. It's normalised in society and some do t even hide it. Especially if you have a hidden disability.

People will resent you aren't slaving away at a job 50 hours a week and you get castigated for claiming the social security you are entitled to.

Ignore them but be wary they are everywhere.

MumblesParty · 04/08/2024 13:34

Readingallthetime · 04/08/2024 10:51

This is such a weird and pointless discussion we are having. Didn't know you were the judge of 'how to respond to an aibu thread'. I have learnt, oh wise one.

Show quote history

I was just reacting to you calling the poster a troll. You don’t need to be sarcastic and stroppy!

TheoriginalMrsDarcy · 04/08/2024 13:19

You're well rid of a friend like that. Only stupid, uneducated ignorant people would judge your situation.

I'd not be worried about losing sleep or friendship with someone so dim.

You have serious medical conditions which prevents you from working. It's not lazy at all. And if your amazing husband doesn't mind you not working, what's it got to do with anyone else? Absolutely nothing. It's not as if you're asking your friend for handouts, so it's nothing to do with her either.

I think you have a wonderful supportive husband. Please tell him so.

MumonabikeE5 · 04/08/2024 12:34

Well your husband is a gem.

fuck her

and take no heed. She obviously has no idea about epilepsy or anything else
and has a huge fat nose and no compassion

PinkyPonkyLittleDonkey · 04/08/2024 12:24

What a nasty piece if work she is! Nasty, mean and cruel. Kind, decent and dare I say normal people do not make pathetic judgements like that. They have empathy, understanding and goodness. Your husband sounds absolutely delightful and gets the Mumsnet Husband of the Year Award! 🥇 Please don’t let her abysmal behaviour get to you. I have family and friends with disabilities with some working and some who can’t. Never once do I judge them but in fact admire them for doing their best despite the trying circumstances.