Won't marry him because I hate his mother

I was not letting her keep me from having the best life with best man my life is about making me happy. We eloped my Dress cost $50 3 years later I can't even explain how beautiful life is right now. It's your guys relationship not his mother's. She is just a by stander

As someone who has been through a divorce, it absolutely is much much harder to walk away if you're married. The paperwork, the cost, and the length of time is ridiculous and I found it emotionally draining.

YANBU to have doubts. Once you're married, there is a risk he will throw it in your face and tell you you chose to marry into it so now you have to put up with it. I get it.

I can. OP feels that it is the only bit of power she has left.

Bf wants us to get married but I know if I do then I am legally tied in and, if his mothers behaviour escalates again to the point where I can't cope with it, it will make it harder for me to walk away

Given you have children together, I can’t see how what you have written as your rationale is at all relevant?

I can understand your hesitation. My first MIL was a major source of tension, was a pain in the arse in the run up to the wedding and just generally a blight on my life for 15 years.

But you’re kind of locked in now you’ve had kids - so getting married offers you protection should things go tits up.

By the way, ‘baby rabies’ really made me smile.

Surely you can discuss with him the idea of not inviting his mom?

I'd put a stop to her seeing my dc without me, frankly. She doesn't have a right to. And if your dp thinks it's okay for a woman who treats you like shit, to dictate terms, then he's an arsehole too!
Whether I married or not would depend on whether it was beneficial financially and whether dp would support not inviting his mother and putting an end to her dictatorial behaviour.

You beat me to it. Registry office job with two witnesses and job done.

Say you will marry him but his mother is not coming. It works both ways. She doesn't get to refuse you but see the children and then rock up to your wedding. If he insists on his mum being invited and that will show you where you are in the pecking order. It's a tough one.

The fact is your children make you more linked than a marriage. You can divorce and never see or hear from that person again but not so with children. Your children are so young, is there a way around this? How often is he seeing his mum with the children?

Would your boyfriend be able to broker some sort of truce. You have been together for 8 and you say she was fine until the first baby arrived. That is 5 good years. No one is expecting you to be best friends - not now but could there be a polite acknowledgement that enables family events, if only for the sake of the children.

Why didn't you sort your issues before having children with him?

This is all odd

Can you come to some sort of agreement on the issue? Having kids is really more of a commitment than marriage.

She's grandmother to your children. You are tied in, unless your bf decides to cut her off.

If your bf earns more then you, marry him.

Based on your description of events, I think YANBU. In truth, like it or not, when you marry someone you really are also marrying their family in many ways.

In fact, I believe you have more than enough cause for hesitation in marrying a man who has allowed his mother to create a situation where she sees him and the children and completely excludes you. I realise he loves his mother and likely feels torn, but in my opinion his first priority should now be his own little family and ostracising an important member of that family isn't OK. Really, there's an argument to say that he should be telling his mother she sees you all as a family or not at all. She will soon accept it if she has any sense.

Right now, he is allowing you to be disrespected and thinking you would be OK with having his mother there at your wedding when she has shown such utter disregard and contempt for you is frankly ridiculous. You are right to want to keep a foot in the door.

She appears to have no gratitude or respect for you birthing and raising her grandchildren and thinks it is alright for them to see you being left out as though you aren't welcome. And their father should be ensuring that isn't the case, if you ask me.

If you really do love this man, there may need to be a compromise and some swallowing of your pride (but not entirely being walked over obviously) to allow safe, limited contact with his mother. However, he should be willing to accept her part in this and hear about the hurt she has caused. He can't just ignore it and have you excluded for the rest of time and expect you to marry him. Why would you when he's making you feel you aren't even the number one woman in his life?

I'm really sorry you are in this situation. It must be difficult and I hope you can resolve it one way or the other. You deserve better.

Registry Office or Gretna Green. Having said that marriage isn't needed to be a loving family either.

Why have a relationship and kids with him if you can't stand his mum? You should have walked away before it got this far so you're YABU.

Just get down to the registry office with 2 witnesses and have it done. With kids, not being married leaves you in a vulnerable position.

You have children with him, you're already more tied in than marriage would tie you in.

What a bizarre reason not to get married.

Just go off and do it in a registry office.

I think YABU. You'd be marrying him, not his Mum. Just go off and do it with no guests.