Won't marry him because I hate his mother

Best of luck 🌺

Keep listening to your gut OP.
Do NOT marry him.
His mother, his problem.

Kindly meant but you need to look at your boundaries.

There would be NO ONE insisting on seeing my children without me.

That he acceeds to that demand is deeply unhealthy and that you have concerns about what she may be saying is toxic.

State clearly to him there will be no marriage.
He hasn't got your back and you need to actively have a fund that gives to an exit should you need it.

Good partners and good father do not tolerate toxic behaviour from grandparents.

Your gut is trying to protect you.
Keep your career.
Keep your finances separate.
Keep family and friends close.

Re-look at your accepting her demands to see YOUR children without you.

Screw that.

Because she didn't have a crystal ball? It literally says in her post that there were no issues before babies, what would you have her do, put the baby back in?

YANBU

Sensible decision.

In your shoes I wouldn't marry him. I'm normally quite pro-marriage but I understand your hesitation. While you aren't married it is easier to walk away if he stops having your back.

It is a great deal easier.

I walked away from my ex after two years of the most vindictive and poisonous bullying by his two 20 something daughters, about which he did nothing. He knew what was going on, he chose to stick his head in the sand and pretend it wasn't happening.

So I found myself a job in my favourite town, rented myself a little one bed flat, I packed my & ds stuff into the car and we left. His inaction was his fault. His loss.

Having separate finances and him having no oversight of my expenditure or my phone records was essential. He couldn't stop me. Mortgages and the rest took a year to sort out but I didn't have to spend that year in misery..

Me too. I wouldn't do it.

So you think it's easier to walk away from the father of your kids just because you are not married. I don't understand how you think this.

Without kids you can easily walk away from a spouse, get divorced and then never see them again.

Do you think you can just walk away, take his children and never see him again just because you are not married?

What's the issue with him seeing his mother with the children?

The children are probably more why he visits, your being married won't change that.

It seems more to me that you're trying to use the not getting married as a tool to control your DP.

It's not working, he is still seeing his family and so are the children.

I am surprised that you are still with a bloke who lets his mother speak to and treat you the way she has.
I would also be extremely worried about the poison she will be dropping into your children's ears each time they are with her.
Why are you accepting this from your bf and his mother? How are you going to explain this set of affairs to your kids

If you use your eyes and read the first few paragraphs again, she says all was well until she had children...

This. I totally get it too. I am divorced. Divorce is savage.

My ex-MIL caused tension and was very disrespectful to me at times. She wasn't even the worst, but all the same, it was not fun, and a source of upset for quite some time.

I would never again marry someone whose family I didn't like. Another poster here said that you do marry the family, and I completely agree.

I disagree why do u need to be married to a toxic situation? Marriage does nothing nowadays it doesnt leave u vulnerable when ur mental health is concerned…if shes having doubts theres a reason why…trust your gut us women are born with it and go with it no one on here knows the full story and we can all give advice and she can listen but at the end of the day to have kids is a big commitment but to not marry is a bigger one ur taking on a new identity their family name. I definitely did not want that because of her ways and behaviour you stand your ground and keep your identity and opinions your kids will always stick with you. My dad cut off his mom for my mom she was toxic as hell but us kids dont blame my mom or dad we love them they will alwsys love u and stick by u dont ever worry about that side of it! ur their number one. And things arent as clear cut as getting married to ur partner. U clearly have doubts already. Trust it they change its their mother even years later my dad now due to his moms old age goes and sees her and u can never stop that no matter what they promise

This

Having had a very difficult relationship with my ex mil from day one, I would say yanbu.

it caused untold stress and arguments in my almost 20 year marriage and the only peace I felt was when I went nc a year before we split. It was bliss. She was vile and it never got better even though I desperately tried to build a relationship with her.

It is possible to come to an agreement about how to handle his mother going forward. Does he see how wrong his mother's treatment of you is? If he allows her to see him and the children and exclude you, I'd question that. Where is his first loyalty?

Me and DH have an agreement that MIL will not be told about any major family events (births, deaths, marriages, for example) at least until the major upheavals have passed. The reason is so she can't make these things difficult (or more difficult).

Having been in a marriage where l didnt particularly get on with his family, l would never advise someone to do this. You have no idea the friction it can cause in future.

The other issue is you need to consider if you husband will also behave this way. Because even if he disagrees with her behaviour, he was raised by this woman and to him her behaviour is normal.

To add the fact he is still seeing her despite her being unreasonable is a case in point. He's telling her he is on her side - or that is how she sees it.

So no, you are not being unreasonable and anyone that tells you otherwise doesn't understand the shit a difficult extended fam can cause.

I think you are wise to be cautious. Some in-laws put so much stress on marriages that they can and do break people up. Our in-laws caused a lot of tension in our marriage. Your DP might do a good job of protecting you from his mother now, but that might change after marriage. People tend to relax a bit once you're locked in.

I'm tempted to say that it doesn't matter whether you're married or not, and that you can easily do it after the old bat passes away.

However, a) that might take decades and b) your DP might resent that you only married him when she was gone - i.e. that you didn't love or trust him enough to do it when she was alive. I know it's not that, but he might see it that way.

Maybe your discomfort is also about marriage and commitment, not just about his mum? Anyway, you clearly don't want to get married right now. So maybe revisit the issue in a few years? You can't get married when you have doubts and don't want to.

Agree dont do it and Be careful here i dont know your partner but have similar situation 10 years in and in the past partner backed me with issues to the point i cut off his family due to how vile they were towarss me but changed over the years and causes massive issues. I have a baby with him and it all changes then but remember ur mom what u say goes. No toxic people around your children and if they cant respect ur boundaries they dont respect u. Toxic and controlling so unless he is willing to cut them off for you id be the same as u and be very cautious. they are in the picture forever.if children are involved its harder to manage i know from exp!

Because OP says there weren't any issues before the babies arrived,

I’m divorced very much due to a similar situation. She was lovely before we got engaged but became very possessive and controlling (of me, she started behaving as I was, someway someone she dictate and rule over) ) as soon as we became engaged. Very much like in your situation, she got batshit crazy protective about DS even when I was still pregnant.

I would say, however, that you are right, being married makes it far more difficult to walk away BUT only because you get a legal claim to the assets in a way that you don’t when you are not married.

You are right, however, that marriage can make the situation with her even more difficult but again, it is all about boundaries, your partner/husband either has your back or he hasn’t. Mine hadn’t and, interestingly, since we split and I set my own boundaries (without ex pussyfooting around her) I have a much better relationship with MIL.

If you don't get married you are not your DHs next of kin which is one reason I'd want to get married in your shoes.

Who is the higher earner of you two. And who has the highest earning potential? If it's you then don't get married but do put all the legal steps necessary in place so that you are not at a disadvantage.

You can always do a quick registry office job if not having her at your wedding is what's really stopping you.

Don't do it.

If she is truly that controlling & toxic then just the thought that you could walk away and get a court order against her more extreme action, may be tempering her behaviour slightly.

It's a very difficult situation, but marrying will only make your relationship closer and that is something you clearly do not want.

If you are financially secure, there is no reason to marry, so don't be bullied. It is something you have to want.