To give 18 year old a curfew?

I had no rules for my adult DC. As long as they weren’t disrupting the house or expecting me to collect them. Whether you like it or not, they are legally an adult and time to let go. I mean I didn’t impose a curfew at 17 either.

It sounds like you've done a good job, let her prove it

My mum used to say I could stay out as long as I liked but over 18 I had household rules, and she rightly pointed out she followed them too:

1. I let her know if i would be home for or would like dinner left for me. She didnt want to waste food and wasnt offering a chef service

1. If I was working I paid board, not becuase she wanted a profit from me but because she said she had two jobs, give me security and teach me independence and independent people contribute

1. No ONS in her home. If he hadn't sat at her table he wasnt sleeping under her roof

1. If I want to go out, fine. But I tell her when Im going to be home by and stick to it, because if Im late she will worry. She wouldn't go away and not tell me

1. Help out round the house, were all in it together

She said as adults we have a responsibility to each other, to make sure we help and communicate with eachother. And if I dont like her rules and want to be inconsiderate or resent chores or board I was old enough to move out if I thought id get a better deal anywhere else. I stayed til I was 25. And I never missed a self imposed home time without ringing her/texting her about any delays. I plan to try and do the same. I think im pretty responsible and it was that balance of trust and accountability she held us both too.

I do feel you my son has just turned 18 .There are no local nightclubs where I live so he is travelling 20miles to the City.I can't sleep until he is in😬4am due to taxis et I'm a zombie where he is still in bed til the afternoon.

I used to go out til 3am at 18 but I was local so we would walk as a group. I haven't imposed a curfew but wish I could I'm aging in dog years🤪

The hell??? You really should have loosened the apron strings a while ago. What made you think it was normal to give a 17 year old a curfew of 11pm?

Why did she have curfews at 17 and 3/4??

Of course you can give her a curfew! If she doesn't like it she can move out. Your house, your rules.

It’s difficult, when DD turned 18 it coincided with her starting university (she stayed at home, not in halls), she went from naught to sixty on the social front and I was a bit blindsided by it. I never said she had to be in by a certain time but when she came in at 5.30am 3 days running on days when we were all getting up at 6.30 for work or school I had to tell her it was unacceptable. We agreed that 2am was a reasonable compromise.

when ds went to university in a different town it was so much easier, what I didn’t know couldn’t hurt me.

Time to let her go, I guess. No one warns you of this when you become a mum.

Well, it is absolutely a normal part of parenting.
It is our role as parents to prepare our dc for the next stage.

You don't send your 11 yr old off to secondary school on the first day of term, never having got a bus before, or never having walked to and from school before - you work up to it over the previous couple of years.
You don't go out and leave them home alone for 6 hours at night as the first time you have left them alone in the house - you work up to it with leaving them for 5 mins then 20 mins then an hour and start by leaving them during the working day.
You don't get them to do the household shop as their first foray into shopping - you stand behind them as they use their pocket money to buy something at the Church Fete, and build up from there.

It's the same with adulthood. No, of course they aren't "a child" until 17 and 364 days, then turn into an adult overnight. You prepare them, and give and take a little and give them the skills to become adults from when they are early / mid teens.

I do feel for you because starting to let them go is never easy. Even allowing them to the park with their friends that first time is nerve wracking. But you've got to remember she's legally an adult now. Clubs don't close until 3/4am. I'd make some rules around coming back in respectfully, not bringing people home without prior agreement and sending a quick text if she's staying out all night. It will all get easier with time and it sounds like you've raised a wonderful young woman so try and relax a little.

This plus more chance of running the phone battery down leaving her unable to call if she needs help.

You can't keep messaging her to ask where she is, OP - imagine how you'd feel if someone did that to you!

Leave her alone when she's out, or she'll just turn off her phone anyway.
But I think it's fair to have some house rules, eg she must always take a key, no coming in late and being noisy, has to start doing housework etc. That is just normal for adults sharing a house.

Could you download the Uber app and link it to her phone so even if she runs out of money she can get home. Also have cash in the house so she can get a taxi if she loses everything. Small power bank she can take out if also a good idea.

My parents always had a no questions ask policy that even if it was 5am I could ring and someone would come for me. I lived away from home by 20 miles at 18 for uni dad once dropped me cash off at 11pm as I lost my card. In second year I moved home, if we were all out the same weekend I had to text when heading home as they stayed out in the same city until they knew I was home safe.

We will have the same rules for DS (currently 11) of give us an estimate so is it an early night at 10pm or shall we see you in the morning. He has a double bed plus his own lounge with a sofa bed if needed his friends can also have the spare rooms but wake us up to let us know the house is full. I would rather him and his friends were safe in our house than rooming the streets as it's too late to go home.

Also I know lots of people think using a tracker is some kind of abuse but my kids have no issue with it because it means I rarely text to check where they are, because I can glance at life360 and see. Peace of mind for me, no annoying texts from mum for them. Also very useful when a phone is stolen or lost....(got my stolen phone back using life360)

You've done well to eek out a curfew to 18. My son just finished his first sixth form year and won't be 18 until he leaves.

For us it's about always having plenty of charge on his phone.
Having an idea of where he's going and how he's getting home.
Communicating when plans change.
Communicating generally.

It's scary and stressful but it's about renegotiating the balance until we are reassured about how they are handling things and can relax a bit more.

You can’t decide what time she stays out until.

But you can set rules for your house. ie if you’re coming home tonight then you need to be home by midnight so I can make sure the house is locked up and I can go to sleep.

if she wants to be out later than you’re happy with her coming home then she needs to make other arrangements.

My dd just turned 18 too and nothing has changed. She never really had a curfew before but she wouldn't be randomly going out, especially late at night without me knowing her plans either. And she knew she was expected to keep in touch and let me know if her plans changed. The same applies now. She has a car and can drive wherever whenever but wouldn't swan off without telling me her plans. It's just courteous to other members of your household to let them know where you are and when you'll be home. I'd expect the same from dh and he's not a teenager!

With the messaging her while she's out - the more she has her phone in and out of her bag or pocket the higher chance there is of her losing it. It also brings it to the attention of would be thieves more often.

My 17yr old doesn't have a curfew, she could legally move out if she wanted too.
The only thing I ask is that she stays together with her friends and they get a taxi home together. I would rather that than her leaving by herself.

As for your daughter coming in at 3am. Good for her. It's such a great time in life for them, my 17yr is definitely living her best life atm and her Summer is jam packed.

Of course YABU but I think you get the idea now.

My 16yo has just left school and currently has no curfew while he's on holidays, he will have when college starts in September but he just needs to let me know where he is. I don't wait up for him either, I just keep my phone on loud when I go to sleep so if he calls me needing anything I'll hear it.

You might find as well she's more open if you don't text
I never felt like I had to say where I was etc but even now at 40 I will tell my dad "off into town tonight"! Because I knew they wouldn't constantly message asking questions I would tell them where I was going and send photos of stuff like a selfie or the cocktail we had

Why did she have a curfew before? We negotiated from 15. By 18 we were at 'text us around 11 and let us know your plans'. A curfew at 18 is completely unreasonable.

When I was still in uni & during summer vacay working for my dad & living at home - I think I was 20 - I still respected my parents’ wishes about coming & going.
Their house, their rules.
I wasn’t paying rent, I was eating their food — the least I could do was be respectful.
It wasn’t difficult.
Except that one night when I cruised in at 3am from a party and woke my dad. I got “the lecture” on boundaries and not abusing them. lol

Yes

Unclench and let go…