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Original poster

Husband orders expensive alcohol when I am paying

112 replies

Prontehpronto · 03/08/2024 23:20

It's all one pot I know but Im getting very irritated by my husband ordering expensive alcohol when we go out for a meal as a family. I don't drink so will have water or soft drink. Sometimes his drink is over quarter of the bill, think its irresponsible as we are trying to watch our spending and bit rich he seems to do it more when I'm paying... I suppose he does pay the mortgage...

OP posts:
Original poster
Prontehpronto · 04/08/2024 10:09

Hobnobswantshernameback · 04/08/2024 10:07

That's a drip feed and a half

Whats a drip feed...

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 04/08/2024 10:09

Prontehpronto · 04/08/2024 10:04

It prob stems from some gambling debt he got us into few years back £80k, I found out cos we had to remortgage and he had taken credit cards out in my name, so I resent how frivolous he is, and yes he has the same amount each month as the bills are set, I have said we should have one account for bills and family stuff and have a separate bit if money we can each spend on ourselves, he doesn't want this, I think it's because then I'll actually have sight if what the bills are and what he is spending

Show quote history

Oh yes, prob 😳.

FFS, what a huge drip feed!

I was going to suggest not going out to dinner if money was tight but you have chosen to stay with someone with a gambling addiction-none of this is important really, is it?

Useruserdoubleuser · 04/08/2024 10:08

It does sound as though he’s generally a bit crap with money. It can be draining to be careful and frugal when there seems no point when the person you are inextricably financially tied with isn’t on board.

My ex used to irritate me in this way. Wouldn’t stint himself ever. Essentially. You should have the same personal money. If not why not?

PhilosophicalCheeseSandwich · 04/08/2024 10:08

Oh. A glass of wine is not the problem here then.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 04/08/2024 10:07

That's a drip feed and a half

sunsetsandboardwalks · 04/08/2024 10:07

Prontehpronto · 04/08/2024 10:04

It prob stems from some gambling debt he got us into few years back £80k, I found out cos we had to remortgage and he had taken credit cards out in my name, so I resent how frivolous he is, and yes he has the same amount each month as the bills are set, I have said we should have one account for bills and family stuff and have a separate bit if money we can each spend on ourselves, he doesn't want this, I think it's because then I'll actually have sight if what the bills are and what he is spending

Show quote history

Why the bloody hell are you with someone who got you into 80k worth of gambling debt?

Talk about a drip feed Hmm

Merryoldgoat · 04/08/2024 10:06

Talk about massive drip feed - Jesus 🙄

Original poster
Prontehpronto · 04/08/2024 10:04

KateDelRick · 04/08/2024 09:58

You're married. It's one pot. What's at the root of this resentment? You're going to need to talk to him because it'll fester and get worse. Do you feel like a lesser partner in the marriage?

It prob stems from some gambling debt he got us into few years back £80k, I found out cos we had to remortgage and he had taken credit cards out in my name, so I resent how frivolous he is, and yes he has the same amount each month as the bills are set, I have said we should have one account for bills and family stuff and have a separate bit if money we can each spend on ourselves, he doesn't want this, I think it's because then I'll actually have sight if what the bills are and what he is spending

OP posts:
KateDelRick · 04/08/2024 09:58

You're married. It's one pot. What's at the root of this resentment? You're going to need to talk to him because it'll fester and get worse. Do you feel like a lesser partner in the marriage?

Merryoldgoat · 04/08/2024 09:55

You need to manage your finances better. You’re married - act like a partnership and have joint goals and agree spending limits together.

Lazery · 04/08/2024 09:54

Begrudging your husband some wine with his meal. Really? Confused

AnnaMagnani · 04/08/2024 09:52

Does your way of splitting the bills end up with both you and your DH having similar amount of spending money?

Or has it worked out that because he pays set things like the mortgage, he always has the same amount for himself. But as you are doing something harder to budget, him having the most expensive cocktail several times a week is having a big impact on you?

You would probably be better off having a proper one pot system as you would be less resentful and he would be more exposed to the consequences of his spending.

Hoppinggreen · 04/08/2024 09:50

Mean responses?
I don't see any at all here.
Unless his drinking is excessive and causing issues generally or he is spending so much on booze you can't afford other things then let the man drink what he wants.
If you don't drink alcohol thats your choice (unless its medical) but it doesn't mean he can't

PhilosophicalCheeseSandwich · 04/08/2024 09:40

I imagine it all balances out and you also get your fair share of treats. You don't see the value of an alcoholic drink but he does, so he can have it if he wants.

Boredlass · 04/08/2024 09:36

I do this. If I pay then I’ll get lager, if my DH pays, I’ll have a wine. He just laughs about it. No resentment at all

TeenToTwenties · 04/08/2024 09:32

Maybe you should gave a joint account you pay into proportionately and then meals our come from that. Or separate budgets for children v holidays/eating out so alcohol reduces going out rather than impacting the kids?

sunsetsandboardwalks · 04/08/2024 09:28

Nobody has been mean, they were just clarifying your post.

If you're married, surely it doesn't make a difference who pays?

ViciousCurrentBun · 04/08/2024 09:25

I hardly ever drink due to health reasons, DH is also a light drinker but when out for dinner always has a drink. Likes a pre dinner G&T and then a decent wine, Alcohol is expensive but you sound a bit parsimonious about it. We went out with family last week and alcohol was a third of the bill. Have a reasoned chat with him. If you have family money then you need to agree on what amount is fair for each of you to spend. This is the exact reason DH and I have never had one pot. No one is telling me how much I can spend on x y and z with my money as long as joint expenses are covered.

DarkForces · 04/08/2024 09:06

A nice drink makes a meal complete. If you're feeling resentful you should discuss your finances with dh and reach an agreement about your spending limits but I'd hate dh to police me getting a nice bottle of wine now and then.

LikeAFineMerlot · 04/08/2024 08:57

Mean?

You posted something that wasn't really clear, hence many questioned.

If you had said "husband spends too much of family funds etc " then you would maybe have got different answers.

You posted in AIBU which is traditionally a really tough section

Original poster
Prontehpronto · 04/08/2024 08:40

Not one pot really, I mean that in a broader sense. I guess the point I'm making is as a family we try to budget, he pays bills and I pay for clothes, going out, holidays, unbudgeted unexpected exp. like when the break pads go, so my point is that him ordering alcohol (which is expensive) when we go out is unfair as it dismishes the rest of the pot for us all. In terms of what I spend on myself, I'm very frugal. And it isnt once a week, he will also go out for lunches etc over the week. But thank you all for your messages, hadn't realised my op would illicit such mean responses,

OP posts:
circular1985 · 04/08/2024 00:13

Would he be upset if you ordered a steak and he had a burger?

Maryamlouise · 04/08/2024 00:02

I think if you are the more frugal one you maybe notice more the discrepancy in spending joint money. I would feel bad if my share was way more and it was from the joint account which is probably silly as PP say it should even out over time. I can't help but notice though when it is often alcohol etc that he buys - it only really bothers me though if he comments on an instance when I spend more as that feels unfair when he generally is the bigger spender. How do you actually budget? Is it joint money?

SamW98 · 03/08/2024 23:53

Bit confused. Is it one shared pot of shared money or are you personally paying?

And just because you choose not to drink alcohol doesn’t mean he shouldn’t enjoy a few drinks.

woodenicelollystick · 03/08/2024 23:51

If it's 1 pot then it's more a case of you not agreeing about the amount of money spent on alcohol. Not that he does it when you pay.