Husband orders expensive alcohol when I am paying

Is the wider issue differences on how to budget / spend your money?

Alcohol in itself isn't "expensive' in the context of going out for several meals per week. Of course, it may be "more expensive" than perhaps a glass of water or even a can of Diet Coke in a restaurant. But if one of you is happy with that level of discretionary spend, and the other is "frugal", then it's likely the financial planning that's the issue - as opposed to choice of drink.

I'd want full visibility over all finances if I was married to someone with a history of gambling.

He really isn't entitled to privacy around finances after deceiving you and getting you in so much debt.

I think you need to think about how much a mortgage really is.
Who pays the utilises?
Are your wages similar?
If he earns and pays more over all then I think you need to leave but. But do keep a check on your credit online.

OP how long ago did the gambling debt come to light?

You've said you’re still holding some resentment, but do you feel like he owes you frugality to ‘pay back’ the debt? Literally or metaphorically.

The way you split bills made me feel a bit uncomfortable because he has the security of knowing what his expenditure is each month while yours fluctuates. You might be better to both put bills, family outings, holidays and emergency money into a joint account and both retain an equal amount in your personal accounts. Could be the same cash amount or the same percentage of income.

There’s nothing excessive or unreasonable about expecting to have a glass or two of wine with dinner. Gambling away £80k however is beyond the pale. Think you might be focussed on the wrong bit.

I agree. It's a lot to get past and this sort of thing is obviously stressful for the OP.

So he previously racked up 80k of gambling debt which you both had to endure, and yet he still likes to spend more money on himself. Hmmm

True, but lack of visibility is fuelling mistrust/resentment.

I think this where we forget human nature thou. Because we do this in real life too.. it's only as a conversation progresses and ppl.dont get us does all the info start flooding out.. i too feel alot of info was missing and mentioned this in my post to the op to highlight to her why she was getting the responses she was. But in her head she was probably just annoyed about the wine issue which probably just happened. We automatically think the worst in ppl but then maybe we have our guards up because of the many fake posts on here too.

I think that the problem isn't about visibility of bills, more that there is understandable fall out from the gambling debt.

As a partnership you definitely should have visibility of all household bills, whoever pays them.

This. You’ve literally said he does it when you’re paying which implies it’s not one pot.

Yes, this is the crux of the matter, and exactly what I was trying to say.

Well, your update certainly puts a different cast on things. It's very understandable that you're anxious about his spending, and attitude to money, generally. Small things like a glass of wine could create problems because of what's happened in the past.
The resentment is coming from his gambling debt. You're going to need to work through this as a couple, otherwise you will always be resentful.

Op sorry don't want to be mean like you said but your posts aren't clear and not full in context ... you're now saying there's a backstory which is part of the issue. I think you and your husband probably have a deeper issue of trust when it comes to money then just the wine. I think you should consider how you're really feeling and put everything to him. Don't be afraid to say i don't trust you with money and I don't understand why you don't want to be more transparent with me. You don't need to pussy foot around the wine issue just say it how it is for you. 80k is a serious problem you had to deal with, don't take that lightly. I hope you sort it all out and just trust yourself with how you feel.

I know what you mean OP.

I think the issue is you have different attitudes to money. You are generally frugal and understand that taking care of the pennies, the £ take care of themselves.

He is less frugal and prefers to have several £8 glasses of wine with a meal, and spend £8 a day on an office lunch, ignoring the fact he's spending probably £250 a month.

Neither of you is wrong but it's an issue you need to resolve or it will irritate you throughout your married life.

Difficult to undertand here, exactly what's happening. If he had a soft drink, them ordered a lager/glass of wine that would be okay. All money is shared, but you're annoyed because there's a budget he's going over. Are you living hand to mouth? Or is there money to spare? If him ordering a drink means you cannot afford a bill next month, then yes he's selfish, and perhaps stop eating out if you cannot really afford it. If you're just being frugal to save thousands up in the bank, then you're being massively unreasonable. Life's too short, enjoy it (within your means). If I've completely misunderstood and he's ordering a £50 glass of whisky and you're not rich, he's taking liberties.

🤣

When down the pub my wife likes a nice glass of wine which is always more expensive then my bog standard pint. It's all paid for from the same joint account. I guess I could moan about her drinks being more expensive then mine and insist she drinks Blue Nun or I could just chill the fuck out and enjoy our evening out together

Ok. Maybe start with the £80k worth of debt and fraudulently taking out credit in your name. I think you need to invest in joint financial counselling and planning or, if you can't agree, a separation of finances or your relationship. You can't carry on being resentful over a glass of wine. You need to decide on whether you continue together or apart and whatever he wants, whether he gets access to your funds is up to you.

😂😂😂

I get anxious that my husband lights a fire instead of putting on a cardigan. AIBU?

Oh...

Also...

He is a convicted arsonist and once burned down a shopping centre. Forgot to mention this.

When someone leaves very relevant information out of their OP, then drops it further down the thread (normally when the answers aren't going the way they want).