Husband orders expensive alcohol when I am paying

My honest advice is to leave. His deception has damaged your relationship and turned you into someone who resents him. I don't blame you. If he didn't get angry when you try to talk maybe there would be some hope but he has ruined you and is unrepentant and abusive. I can't see how you can rebuild from this. Better to cut your losses and leave. I'm sorry. It sounds horrendous

Before I saw this second post about the gambling, I was going to suggest a joint account which you both pay into which covers things like meals out together.

But if he is a gambler (is, not was - all addictions are life-long even when not actively being pursued), then NEVER have a joint account.

You need to know what his wages/salary is, what the mortgage is, what the regular bills are that he pays, and do the maths to see what he has left for spending. And you need access to the mortgage account and all the other bill accounts to check that it has all been paid every month.

Then you need to add up everything you spend on the household and DC, to check whether your 'spending' money is roughly equal to his (or perhaps you both get spends proportional to income if not equal). If the situation is not fair, he needs to pick up another cost to even it out.

Then you need to check all this again every three months or so, and keep an eye on your own credit record.

That is if you don't just split up and separate your lives and finances.

To sort out the immediate problem, tell him you will be asking for a split bill when you next go for a meal. If he objects, then he can pay for the lot.

Op, it means people will read the op, offer advice based on that, then notice the huge extra bit of information which would absolutely change their advice. New posters hop onto the thread, only read the op, then you get completely contradictory advice, making the whole thing pointless for you.

with the drip feed, along with the op, your husband cannot manage money and is incredibly selfish. On top of that, his actions were criminal!

based on the op i was going to say what we do, as when dh comes out for meals he doubles the bill so i tend not to take him but we have a jug of water for the table and one bought drink only.

based on the drip feed id say dont take him out for meals and actually divorce.

Mumsnet is better than therapy

I think DH feels that way! I actually find it quite stressful … I get torn between letting everyone eat normally and enjoy themselves and monitoring her angst.

This is giving me the ick. You’re a nicer person than me. I’d be ordering steaks for the kids and ratcheting up the bill just to watch her slowly explode 😂

Sorry, you still don't have visibility of what the bills are and what he is spending despite him having previously got you into £80k debt?

This is madness on your part.

Monies should be split precisely as you've outlined above. You should have complete visibility of family money, other than his "pocket money" for want of a better term. Whether you both have the same amount of "pocket money" is for the two of you to organise.

Based on his previous behaviour, if he won't show you his income and outgoings over the previous 3 months you should have massive concerns.

If my DH had huge gambling debts and taking credit cards out in my name I would have divorced him. So I think him wanting to order alcohol is least of your problems. As you seem to have decided to stay with him there needs to be a blunt conversation about finances and what it means for both of you as a team. It cannot be him doing whatever he pleases and you being frugal.

I definitely think you should look into a joint account with no overdraft facility for mortgage, utilities, food shopping, DC stuff and other joint expenses like family meals out, and keep separate accounts for discretionary stuff like your own clothes, books, hobbies etc. You'll both be able to see all the joint transactions on line.
Maybe also start a separate slush fund that DH can't access for annual costs, like the car insurance etc. with a buffer in case of emergency repairs to boiler, car, whatever. With DH's history, giving him access to that would be like handing the keys to the liquor cabinet to an alcoholic; so probably best to keep that separate or even secret.

He took credit cards out in your name and ran up an £80k debt?!?! And you forgave him?!?!

If you have a tight budget and he likes ordering expensive drinks then I suggest you don't go out for lunch with him and he spends his own pot on money on his meals out. If he asks why then just say you cannot afford it.

I think the problem is that he doesn't seem sorry or insightful about what he put you through.

Essentially you ate frugally trying to rebuild the family finances by living cheaply and he is living high off the hog like a thief who pays back what he stole without interest and with pennies on the pound.

Is it ok for him to take out credit cards in your name and run up £80k of debt too?

As that's apparently what this is really about.

You are married for goodness sake. I earn the most money in my relationship and when we go out for dinner my husband can order whatever he wants. As do I.

How much money are we talking about here, and how often is it happening?

Ah yes. This is a much less trivial topic .

Ok thats the issue!

I think it was op's second post. Puts it in a whole other light and they've acknowledged the drip feed

I was reading it as a post about keeping tabs on other’s orders at a restaurant. 😕

Ah no … missed that bit! When did that bulletin drop?

Has your dd run up £80k of gambling debts causing you to remortgage the house and fraudulently taken out credit cards in your name like op's husband? You might be less supportive of the extra spends if they had

… for example if one of my dc ordered a main that was three pounds more, she’d turn to hers immediately after and say “ well are you sure you don’t want to order the such and such in that case?” ( and the dc doesn’t.) When DH ordered an extra side of bread, ( for a young dc who had not enjoyed their main) she said to her DH “well you get an extra cold drink then.” We just let them order what they want without comment - and are perfectly happy to itemise the bill if we have ordered more. But she just cannot relax and it’s quite an offputting character trait.

I’d just let him enjoy himself. It doesn’t sound too extravagant ( lots of people drink); and relationships have to have space for people to enjoy themselves.

I’m afraid I have a friend who micromanages what everyone orders if she thinks the bill might be split and I now avoid eating out with her - certainly as families because it’s too much stress to ensure no one creeps over her boundaries. If it’s just me, I try to mirror her as close to the penny as possible. But it doesn’t make me think well of her and I look forward to spending the time with her less than I otherwise would. You don’t want your own DH feeling that about you over the odd whisky.