Husband orders expensive alcohol when I am paying

I would delete this thread and start it again and mention the gambling etc in the first post.
tell him he has to pay for his alcohol. Has he switched from gambling to alcoholism?

start separating your finances and stop going out for meals and save the money for a divorce lawyer. How are you to know he’s not running up more debts? Keep a check on your credit score as well.

@Prontehpronto I say this in the kindest way possible, please get a hold of all the bills and household finances and see exactly what is being paid out and what has already been spent. And his earnings if you don’t know already.

A really good friend of mine was in a similar situation with her DH remortgaging the house. But it was much, much worse than she thought. There were other loans taken out, family valuables sold, savings accounts emptied, shares sold… all down to gambling, living beyond his means, oh and prostitutes.

please protect yourself and your children x

Step one is definitely to get visibility of what the money is being spent on.
Then you can take it from there.
If he won't share that information with you, you should be very suspicious and concerned.

Please, Pronte, for your wellbeing, make copies of every bank statement, credit card statement, and mortgage statement you can find and hide them or take them to someone you can trust to hold them for you. Or, assuming the UK postal system is similar, get yourself a post office box and mail them to yourself. Do this as quick as you can. Also, write down everything, in order, of what your husband has done. EVERYTHING. Leave nothing out. Mail that to yourself, too.

if you don’t have them, put passwords on all of your devices. Something he can’t decipher. Not pet’s names, children’s birthdates, best friends names….nothing he with which he would be familiar.

Find a solicitor and make an appointment as soon as possible, like yesterday. Collect all documentation and take with you to the solicitor’s appointment.

Try to remain as calm as possible when talking to the solicitor, though I know after all of this that your husband has done there is no way I wouldn’t be turning into Niagara Falls. Might want to take a box of tissues with you. 🙂

Not only is he a crook, he is abusive, maybe not physically, but verbally. It will only get worse. It does sound like you are afraid of him.

Please, you need to put yourself first. He certainly doesn’t. Forgiveness can only go so far. Good luck. 🩷 Thinking of you.

I get you OP. My husband will order more expensive food , drinks, etc when I am paying. Similar situation as you financially. We joke about it because he will spend on other things. In our case he likes to see me paying for stuff even though in the end it doesnt make much difference who pays what
Do you have luxury spenditure tha he doesn't such as make up, skincare, hairdressers?
I think things even out usually

Do you think the contributions from you both to to family bills/pot are fair ?

once you know this then you post may be clearer to comment on

I'm guessing that the mortgage far outweighs the cost of a few drinks here and there.

Please dont take him for more meals. He is abusive. He is a criminal. You need to speak to your solicitor. Tell them about the debts in your name too and ask for advice on that. You need to be smart here but you must divorce rather than stay separated as what is to stop him continuing to take out loans and credit cards in your name?

youre stressing about the small things because of everything is true. Youre focusing on the meals because you are scared of him and know you should divorce.

Money and finances are a HUGE important part of a relationship and need to be discussed and agreed.

If he is unwilling to discuss finances and even becomes abusive and angry then that would be game over for me.

I'd sit down with him and have this discussion. Plan what you want to say regarding finances (as your current system doesn't sound fair) and if he isn't willing to treat you as an equal and have this important discussion then tell him it's over.

If he won't leave the house then you will need to look at you and the kids moving. Do you have family you could stay with?

I'd start looking up what benefits you'd be entitled to. I'd then make it clear that he needs to move out of the house so you and the kids can live there, and if he refuses then it will have to be sold.

Agree this post.

As I started reading I thought "you sound disproportionately angry about this" op, but reading on - drip r no drip - you have every right to be.

He's put you through a great deal and your anger is manifesting in quite a reasonable way. Has the gambling addiction been substituted with an alcohol addiction? Does spending loads on alcohol mean multiple drinks, or one expensive drink?

No advice but I'm sorry you're feeling sad. That realisation that the prob you thought you had is a bigger problem altogether is quite a tough one x

Be really careful, OP, the whole combination of being angry and abusive and secret debts and not afraid to break the law to get what he wants, could add up to a very dangerous situation for you.

If you need to get out of the house and run with just you and the kids, then thats what you do - your family's safety is more important than anything else. Play your cards close to your chest for now, don't make him suspicious, let him think you're going to keep putting up with his crap.

Yes op it sounds as though you want to leave but are scared.

I understand the drip feed: the issues were unravelling in a back to front order in your own mind because the small ones are easiest to confront. I would seek legal advice.,

If you want to end the marriage, and you obviously should, you need to see a solicitor and get the process started. Your life will to continue to be shit as long as you choose to stay.

Are you scared of what he'll do if you ask him to leave? Trust your instincts. It can be a very dangerous time. There's great advice on the relationships board or from charities like Refuge about leaving safely. Keep very quiet for now, plan carefully and take good advice. If you're searching make sure he's not accessing your history etc. Take care

Ok look: maybe its good that you pisted this way. Why don’t you think aboutvit and write a different post in relatiinships and ask a different wuestion? Because its obvious that you are not being unreasonable to want to throw the whole man out.

In addition front loading the 80 thousand pound debt and the credit card fraud makes it clear that an even split of family finances is inequitable. He should be overpaying you to make up for the fraud and debt. Alllll his money bar a very small amount of picket change should go to discharging his debt snd making it up to you in terms of security. Even if he nominally pays the mortgage now because of his reckless improvidence and theft of family funds he is just digging out of the hole he dug.

No wonder you resent him!

You should sct on this sooner rather than later because it will be very difficult to get rid of him once his drinking kicks his poor health into overdrive. This happened to a good friend of mine and twenty years on she is stillstuck with a drunken, incompetent husband who will never leave her because where would he go? If she had left earlier he would have had time to reset his life instead of collapsing into dependency.

I would suggest a conversation with a solicitor .
Fear of making him angry is an awful way to live .

Yoi are walking on eggshells , when you can’t even discuss important things

OP you really need to consider why you are staying. Your last post doesn’t read as if you’ve recovered from the betrayal and all the small stuff is going to niggle away at you more and more.

Don't stay for the kids because they’ll pick up on tensions and his anger/abusive moods will affect them too.

Don’t stay because it’s hard to leave either. The time will pass regardless and you have the opportunity to be happy a year or two from now, or still be stuck in a miserable marriage.

BTW he does not have to 'agree' to get divorced - you can just go ahead and do it, for your financial protection.
Being married is a legal contract whereby you are responsible for his debts. You need legal divorce even if you both stay together.

'all the gambling and other things'

You can talk us through the other things if you wanted to?

I can understand how making him leave seems overwhelming.

You can get a divorce for financial separation but stay living in the same house together - do some research and perhaps consult a solicitor.

Meanwhile, protect yourself and get into the mindset of having truly separate finances. So do ask for split bills when you eat out. He will have to put up with it or foot the bill himself.
Only treat him when you actually do want to treat him, then you won't feel resentful.

I'm afraid my first thought is that if you have no oversight of his spending, he could still be gambling... you can rack up a lot of loans only paying interest until it all falls apart.

Even more if you don't mind using your partner's name fraudulently again because you got away with it last time.

… and I’m never sure what the level of tolerance for an imbalance across the two families is; but with instances like the watchfulness over the side of bread, I’m sure it’s only a few pounds.