Have I messed my relationship up by raising my dissatisfaction

Very much agree with this.

FWIW, I don’t think you’re needy. I just don’t see what he’s done wrong beyond be stressed.

People don’t always act/feel perfect in a relationship. It’s up to you if you continue the relationship, but you’ve stated your needs, he’s stated his.

3/4 of MN has no idea how to actually communicate in a relationship. A quarter is the game playing type (don't look to keen bla , bla ,bla) and the other is the never complain,cool wife type(while quietly seething and taking it out on other posters here) and the last quarter is the so called "strong,independent" type that don't need anyone ever for anything and laugh at those who do.

None of them is a healthy way to start or be in a relationship.

You had an issue, you were straight forward, you put it out there. What's the worst that can happen? You split up. That's better than being in a relationship with someone where you're so afraid you'll lose him/scare him /whatever that you can never express any discontent, because there will always be "something ".

It's not neediness to want to know where you stand or to want to be slightly more than an emotional support animal.

While his behaviour is understandable somewhat , if he can't find it in him to consider your needs too ,however minimal , then history will repeat itself because shit happens in life.

This *^

Set your boundaries now. You are bring used as a whipping boy for his issues abroad.

Imagine being that whipping boy if you stay together in the UK and he has issues of any kind in the future. Will he take it out on you??

Nah, too many red flags. 🚩🚩

Do a slow fade on him and for sure switch your phone off at night. There’s nothing you can do about an emergency abroad at 0400 anyway.

🚩

No, I agree with a PP, for me this does have red flag written all over it.

He's been emotionally dumping on you, OP to the extent of rudeness. Then when you point out that this isn't on, he goes quiet on you and then comes back eventually to tell you that you are wrong.

He's training you to not raise issues with him, because you are his emotional support appliance, and appliances are not meant to have needs too.

Think about how you would treat him if you were under the same stress. I'd bet lots of money you wouldn't be like he has been with you. It isn't needy to expect basic decency from someone. And this is still the start of the relationship, when he's the nicest he'll ever be.

At the very least, I'd suggest taking a break from the relationship until he gets back.

I think it’s just escalating because you aren’t physically together.

I don’t think either of you were being unreasonable. But at some point in any relationship if both people have “emotional needs” that can’t be simultaneously met, someone has to compromise. In this situation, I would suggest that you should as he’s dealing with family stuff, much of which you may not be aware of so early into a relationship.

Saying you feel let down he can’t meet your emotional needs when he’s away with family doing sad stuff is a bit of a red flag for him about you tbh. What about his emotional needs?

I think you need to take a breath, say you understand, and break the stalemate with a comedy gif or something.

Obvs if this becomes a pattern, sure it’s a red flag. But you are 4 months in. Try to be a bit empathetic and don’t minimise what he might be dealing with.

That’s not in the original post I think so can’t really read something better that isn’t there. But will edit my post to clarify in case my response now makes others think it was 4am her time.

Sorry I didn’t see your update but I think at a time of extreme stress and overwhelm for him he is not being unreasonable. And you aren’t being unreasonable either.
maybe just pick things up when you’re back.
he doesn’t have it in him to meet your emotional needs right now.

I think it’s fine.
Try not to overthink it.
you weren’t enjoying the calls. Sounded a bit like he wasn’t either. You didn’t want to hear him all negative and stressed (understandable), you expressed that. He is feeling negative and stressed right now so has cut back on the contact.
im sure it will all get back on track if it’s otherwise good, but maybe not a bad thing to have some space.

i would leave it a bit then message and say you’re thinking of him and sorry he’s having a stressful time and don’t want to add to it. But for him not to feel obliged to call regularly if he doesn’t feel like it, just let you know if he would like a catch up chat.

You've only been together 4 months. Did you know each other beforehand?
I would be tempted to say to him that I understood that he is having a tough time, and to get in touch when he's back and see how things are between you when he returns. It is such a new relationship it doesn't seem worse all the anguish.

People really should read better- he called her at 4am his time not her time.

I don’t think YABU. Your instincts were right. And you can tell a lot about a person from how they are even things are difficult. I’d end it now before wasting any more time on someone who doesn’t value you enough. 💐

Tbh, those sorts of conversations never go well on the phone, and long distance to boot.
Hes obviously stressed, you say you need support so are presumably stressed too, so I’d suggest backing off a bit , and either not contact him till he comes back, or keep it very light in the interim.

It doesn't really matter how much stress he is under, it doesn't give him the right to be moody and bad-tempered with you. You have exerted perfectly reasonable boundaries and expectations, and if he isn't even prepared to make an effort to be nice to you when the relationship is so new, then you really are wasting your time with him.

You've every right to expect him to be pleasant towards you, and you had every right to say so. You aren't messing the relationship up at all. The relationship is four months old, in the first flush when you are both supposed to be making a good impression. If he's like this so early on, imagine what he'd be like in a few years' time.

Nopeeeee. We need to stop this “I shouldn’t have said that” mumbo jumbo. You’re allowed to state if something makes you unhappy.

Time differences are not a new concept. It takes two seconds to check what time it is ‘back home’ and the only reason you call someone up at 4am is because something catastrophic has happened, not to have a whinge!
If he thinks calling you morning, noon and night to complain about his family is fine then he is being disrespectful.
Tell him he can moan for five minutes and then the conversation is moving on to other topics. See if he can manage that.

I'm sorry I think she being so needy and not understanding is a massive red flag. Your boyfriend is going through a tough time abroad and you're upset he isn't calling as much as you want that week?

If you’re compatible and mutually respectful, airing your frustrations are a way to learn and grow in relationships. I think you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of shit if you’re afraid to ever voice your views.

You're walking on eggshells over a perfectly reasonable request.

I think you need to ditch the miserable git.

I would answer at 4am in case something was wrong.